New to this

Posted by: @kpw0gymtv6

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I have just discovered my long term partner has been dealing with a gambling problem in secret.

I found out completely by accident and it has destroyed me Mentally and Emotionally.

I don’t know what to do. He’s told me it started 6 months ago and spiralled in the space of 3-4 months. He has taken multiple loans and credit cards out totalling six figures.

I can’t wrap my head around it. How he could access and spend that amount of money and financially ruin himself. But the biggest thing I am struggling to understand is how he has been doing this in secret and I haven’t even noticed.

He has said he hasn’t gambled since April and is trying to sort it out financially. But how can I trust this is true?

He has shown me his accounts, the loans and credit cards but I just can’t hold my emotions in when I see it.

I am really concerned about his mental state. I am trying to come to terms with this and support him but I am really worried about my own mental health. I can’t make a decision on our future but I need to support him as he has no one else.

I am trying to listen and understand but I have just cried for 2 days every time we talk. I am emotionally drained.

I called the helpline for him and he spoke to someone who suggested he goes to the drs. He has agreed but has said openly if I didn’t find out, he wouldn’t have told me.

I just don’t know where to begin or how to help.

Hi there ANon816,

Thanks for sharing your story with us, welcome to the GamCare Forum. 

It sounds like things are quite tough for you at the moment. Just to let you know, we offer support for loved ones of those who gamble via our helpline or livechat service. Feel free to reach out any time, we're available 24/7 https://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/talk-to-us-now/
All the best

Mat
Forum Admin

Hi, Sorry to hear this. I know it's hard but try and remember he didn't want to be like this and lose all that money. No one wants to lose money but gambling is like a cancer and when you are gripped by it it's so hard to break free. I've lost ridiculous amounts of savings and now have loans. My wife stuck with me and I'm now 6 weeks gambling free. Take care 

You need to seriously consider your future - this is never going to go away, the simple fact is that you will never trust him again, and you will constantly be thinking when he is out of your sight that he is finding some way to gamble   You need to factor this inevitable loss of trust into any decisions you make.

In 90% of cases that gambling monkey will never peoples backs and the urge will always be there, especially in cases where an individual has gambled to the extent that your partner has.

If you decide there is a future you need to take control - gamblers find it hard to control themselves, it is an addiction.   There are so many tools out there, you can block online, block bank cards and even block from bookies using MOSES (I myself have never gambled online but have used MOSES to the extent that I would have to do a 100 mile round trip to visit a bookies or arcade).   If you implement all of those safeguards and he still actively tries to find a way around them then I am afraid he is a lost cause.

The good part is that if you can break his addiction he will be a new man - I am sure that all of this has generated changes in his behaviour and secretive actions which will have impacted on him, I suspect that every minute of every day has been a nightmare, and he has dug deeper and deeper to get himself out of a whole (not a good approach).   I can speak from personal experience when I say that once you either lose the itch, or make it impossible to scratch, life takes a 1000% turn for the better.