Hello,
I am 26 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, I am worried that he has a bad gambling problem/addiction and would really appreciate any advice. Our relationship was great at the start but for quite a while now we have been arguing more and he seems to have changed alot as a person at times (generally more moody, withdrawn, short tempered) although we do still have some very happy times.
We have lived together for the past 2years and been trying to save a deposit for a house which hasn't been easy. I have always been more committed to saving than him and he has always been a bit difficult and vague when it comes to money. At one point he cleared his ISA after us falling out and said he spent it all on christmas so had to start again and another time after a period of him being awful to live with he admitted to me that he had put £3000 on a credit card which I didn't know about. At the time I believed him that it had just been for general living expenses and agreed to help pay it off but now looking back I'm not sure.
I have always known that he occasionally gambles online after seeing things on his phone but I thought it was just the odd few pound. Last month I was very surprised when he told me he had a big win online which meant we could pay off his credit card and take his son on holiday. He told me that he didn't want to push his luck and had cancelled his online account after this but then afew days later he was again telling me about another big win. I was pleased for him but concerned that he had lied about the account, this time he also promised no more gambling. At the same time a house had come up for sale in the area we wanted. His extra winnings topped up our savings and meant we didn't have to lend money off my family for it, which had previously been the plan. Getting the house is so important to me as it means being closer to my dad who is unwell. We got a mortgage accepted and were both excited that everything seemed to be coming together for our future.
Then out of the blue in the last week he has been very difficult to live with, causing arguments and suddenly saying he wasn't sure about what he wanted. It was only after I left that he sent a message admitting that he has gambled £1500 of the money which is supposed to be for the house deposit due to be paid in the next couple of weeks. He said he was trying to get money to buy me a ring which i don't believe. He then applied for a loan to try and keep this a secret from me, which his mum knew about.
I can't believe that he has done this and am totally lost as to what to do. I have asked him to meet me later today for an open and honest discussion. I know he will tell me this is just a one off but if he is willing to ruin our future surely it must be an addiction? I am worried that he hasn't told me the full extent of things but not sure how to make sure I know the whole truth as he does tend to lie. There are decisions which need to be made this week regarding the house but I feel that I would be stupid to make that kind of commitment with someone I can't trust about money. It has also made me doubt our whole relationship, I do love him but I already have alot of stress trying to support my family through a hard time, so need a partner who is there to support me too. Any advice on what I could say or do would be great.
Hi BL321 no one can say 'do this' or 'don't do that'. Your gut is telling you to take a step back. You are unsettled and every right to be. A big win can be fatal. It never ends well. My advice would be to ask him for credit reports, (there are more than one Experian, noddle, mse)you don't want to be 'surprised' after taking out a mortgage with him. An active gambler can be very moody, lie and manipulate every difficult situation to their advantage. Once challenged they can become very secretive. It's never a good idea to help them pay off any debts no matter how convincing they are. Keep all your finances secure and separate. His cooling off maybe because he's got more debt or he doesn't want to give up his 'gambling' money. Addiction has nothing to do with how much they love you. I would suggest you find out about compulsive gambling. Maybe find a gamanon meeting. Educate yourself. It sounds like his mother may know more. This may have been going on a lot longer and be more of an issue than he's saying. You don't have to end a relationship but you do need to know what you are letting yourself in for. This is progressive and should not be ignored or trivialised.
Hi BL321,
You were right to seek advice, it sounds like your partner has a gambling problem and you are just seeing the tip of the Iceberg. Gamblers live for the buzz of a big win but we cannot control our gambling so will keep going back for more again and again so therefore over the long terms we cannot win. It is an addiction which takes over our lives and we become horrible people as deep down we know what we are doing is wrong but we cannot concieve of stopping gambling for good.
A few crucial points, your partner has to seek help himself, you can advice, beg, pray, what ever, unless he is committed to getting help he will continue on as before. I know you may love him but you have to put yourself first. A bet will always come before you and that is the horrible reality unless he admits he has a problem and gets help asap.
You need to sit down and have a frank discussion, there must be consequences on the table for him. So he hears you out or else its goodbye. If you stay with him and he continues then you are both on the road to ruin. A compulsive gambler as you have seen will lie, deflect blame (arguments help do this) and do whatever it takes to get money to gamble, he has to give full disclosure and access to online accounts, bank accounts, credit reports (these will show any credit cards and loans he may have).
He should find his nearest GA meeting and start attending, you should seek out GamAnon meetings to get support if you continue with the relation ship. I know it might be not what you want to hear but well done on spotting the warning signs, imagine bein gmarried to a compulsive gambler who wont get help while you have a mortgage and kids and you can see how things can get a whole lot worse.
Im not saying he wont hold his hands up and get help but you cant let him manipulate the situation, tough love is the only way as you cannot do it for him.
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