Hi Everyone,
I found out before Christmas that my partner of 9 years had actually not been in recovery for the last 7 but had actually been gambling.
He admitted this to me himself which was a first, and has sought help from a counsellor and is doing well.
I'm 24 years old and I'm a student nurse. I'm finding it emotionally trying working 40 hours on placement (unpaid), 20 hours paid to make ends meet and trying to be supportive for him at the same time. I'm emotionally drained and financially struggling. He is my rock and when we agreed to move out together during my degree I had no idea he was gambling. He's never let us miss a payment on rent and helps out by subbing my half of the rent a lot of months and buying all our food.
It's come to light that he's 20,000 in debt. I can barely make ends meet and this has blown my mind. It's not imminent debt but adds significant monthly payments on top of his (and our) bills and it's destroying his work ethic as he feels he's working for nothing and stuck in a rut. He won't seek a debt management plan as he's already completed one when he began gambling at 17 and his credit was ruined.
It's made me even more stressed because it's making it tougher for us to make ends meet but I'm also concerned it will cause him to gamble again. We were burgled two weeks ago as well and they stole his car so his stress levels and gambling urges are really up there. Due to my working hours I'm not available to him 24/7 when he needs me most and I feel like I'm drowning a bit here.
Can anyone offer any advice or similar experience? I need to know it gets better.
Hi Lou, welcome to the forum 🙂
Ouch, how horrible for you 🙁 Few things jump out from your post firstly his work ethic being destroyed. That really is his problem & something he will need to address moving forwards as it's him that's got you into this mess despite stumping up on occasion for bits of your share. We can use literally anything to fuel our gambling fires so him being happy is as likely to cause him to gamble as him being sad, as is him having money or not having it. Sadly this is an addiction of the mind which hopefully he can bottom out with a counsellor but may then need something longer term if the past 7 years are to go by. You are so young & have enough on your plate without worrying about not being available to him 24/7. If he gets himself to GA, they will give him a phone list of people to lean on who have walked in his shoes.
I'm not surprised you are drowning & the only real advice I can give it to get help for you. Either the helpline or GamAnon would be great starts because living with an active CG is a nightmare. There's a reason why he doesn't want to get a DMP but why should you take on the responsibility of his debt?
It gets better but only with a lot of hard work from him & support for you - ODAAT
Sorry to see the situation you're in. Sounds though like you're doing all the worrying while he's doing a lot of sitting around wallowing and nothing practical.
If he wants to stop there are things he could do which would eliminate his access to cash and funds virtually immediately. Has he offered to do anything at all?
My advice would be to get your own finances under lock and key which will give you the breathing space to see what if anything he plans to do about the situation he's in then decide what you're going to do going forward. You don't need to be available 24/7. Don't let him manipulate you into thinking you do. Read up on the addiction and see what you could be letting yourself in for with life with an active CG. Put yourself first and think hard about what you want and deserve.
Thank you for your advice both!
as we've been together so long I've always been conscious of his addiction and so we both agreed no joint accounts and no access to each others funds. I'm certainly in no position to lend him any but hand on heart he would never ask. He's very focused on consolidating the debt so that he can move forward, and we've talked about a dual signature account for most of his funds to go into so that he won't be able to access them easily. I think I'm just feeling the enormity of what his addiction is. My degree takes up a lot of my emotional resilience and I'm struggling this time to cope. I love him very much, and I know the gambler in him is manipulative but the person he is has always been kind, loving and giving. His gambling is just making it very hard for me to look forward into our future together.
I want to be able to help but I know it's mostly down to him and what he does. He seems to be taking positive steps and is very open now with me when he feels the urge, is down, and let's me have access to his bank accounts and statements as well as his debts. I just live in fear that he could spiral out of control again when we share bigger commitments in the future and that I won't see it coming - much like this time around.
I think what I need to know is how other CG's have coped? Strategies that may have helped them that I could suggest or help with? I know slip ups may inevitably happen but it's being honest about the slip ups and getting back on track that's important. I just hope this honesty can be maintained.
Hi LouT08
Sounds like you are having a difficult time and like the posts above there is help available to you as a non-gambler to get the help you may need.
I'm new to this and i am the gambler, i've been seeking advice on the debt and have now entered into a plan to resolve it. My advice would be to not open a joint account, just get him to pay the money in to yours. The best thing is to not be financially linked to a gambler. Once you are it could help destroy your credit to and if you choose to go down various debt plans by having that financial join will mean you may pay more as your income will be taken in to account.
Does he want to quit, if so get him to join here, get him to GA groups, i too spoend a lot of time on my own due to my wifes work, when i do i come on here, go to a GA group, go on group chat here. I have picked up so many things on this forum to help stop my addiction but i know this will come back if i don't put plans in place to stop me. My wife now deals with all the finances and i get pocket money, i have blocks in place to also stop me going to places to be able to gamble.
One thing i picked up on is that he has helped you out with helping to pay your half of bills etc. Don't let this be an excuse for him, thats what partners do in relationships. You are doing your best by working so many hours and eventually you'll have a career for yourself.
I absolutely second what GFDan says do not under any circumstances have a joint account! I know so far he hasn't took or asked you for money but addicts will get desperate and do what they have to do. If you think there's a chance of relapse then that's all you need to know, don't let it affect your credit rating! My husband is the gambler and his wage is paid to my account. We have nothing joint because he just can't be trusted. His credit is poor and mine is excellent but his name on my credit file would destroy it x
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