Advice please

For me the question comes the other way around.

"if he changed would I take him back?"

I dont think theres is anything you could do that would change him unfortunately, change has to come from him. It certainly isnt your fault he continues to gamble, if he wasnt sad about the break up, he would find some other excuse, thats what compulsive gamblers do.

If it was me, i think id be like you, lots of thinking and sharing of opinions and not rushing into anything.

I will be interested to see how his new round of counselling goes, but the only the thing that reassured me with Mr Pangolin was a really solid commitment to the GA programme and his own recovery independent of me.

So thats why i see it the other way around, i'd want to see the change in him before considering another go, but thats just me.

I would have to agree with Pangolin.

As a CG myself, I see your husband finding excuses to gamble. He is sad so he gambles. His mate called him a slob, so he gambles. His mower won't start so he gambles.

Truth is, until he wants to stop his gambling, he will continue to make excuses for his gambling.

"My question is, do you think he would change if I take him back?"...... I think you should be asking yourself and your husband...why he isn't working on the change now, in the hope that you will take him back.

Best wishes

Thanks for your responses. What you say makes perfect sense. I have been waiting to see him commit to some sort of recovery plan for a while now, I just don’t know how long I can/should wait for him to change before I can walk away and know I couldn’t have done any more – not out of guilt or obligation, but just so I can be at peace with my decision and be sure it’s the right thing to do. The thing is (like so many partners on here) I love him dearly and know that we would be very happy together if he didn’t have this problem. It breaks my heart to see what has happened to us.

My family knows all about it and I have been having counselling too but am feeling really low recently. I just feel trapped and see no end to this misery. I can’t consider buying a house with him, I won’t have children with someone I can’t rely on and I just feel like my life is passing me by. I am 40 this year and time is running out for me! It all just feels so unfair.

Sorry for the self pity. I know that there are others worse off than me but I hate living like this – the whole thing just occupies my thoughts 24/7.

Hi Orchid

As you are aware, living with a gambler is hard work. Remember this tho, none of this is your fault. You are not to blame. The gambler has to want to stop his gambling before any change will take place.

Only you can decide how long or if you should wait for him. However, if he is still gambling on a regular basis whilst attending GA meetings, the wait could be a long time.

Please don't worry about the 'self pity' bit. You need to be able to talk or write about what your feeling. You need to be able to vent your frustration.

Have you thought about attending a GAMANON meeting at all? They would be able to offer you plenty of first hand experience in dealing/coping with your situation.

Best wishes

Thanks Wal1957. I went to the doctors this morning and it all came out. I literally broke down. It has been brewing for a while so maybe I just needed to let it out... I went to one GAMANON meeting but didn't go back. I don't know.... everyone there seemed to be much more at ease with the whole thing while I was just very angry. That was when I just first found out. They all talked about how they support their other halves and I just thought "I don't know if I can or want to do that?" So I never went back....

Sorry orchid.

I think perhaps when people split up from their partners, they move on, so gam anon might be a little too dominated by people who are continuing in the relationships and need ongoing support. Ours is mainly parents and siblings, who have a different persepctive too.

Being at ease with it all comes with time, but we all have the occasional meltdown too. It doesnt sound like you want to stay angry, I didnt want to stay angry, its exhausting, and i didnt want to forgive and forget either, and i havent. Over time, with talking and sharing, I have learned to spearate out the emotions and have some peace, but I havent forgotten how impossible that seems at the start. Gam anon isnt going anywhere, it will be there if you want to come back to it.

Well done for letting it all out at the doctors, its a relief to speak isnt it?

Hi Orchid,

Im sorry to hear that you are struggling 🙁 I am in a very similar situation and I am currently separated from my husband. I am also at the angry phase where I question whether I actually want to try and help him anymore, it sounds selfish but it's such a burden at times.

I've just got a councillor through the gam anon people in my area and it's 1-2-1 as I couldn't face a group meeting. I start my first session on Wednesday and im really hoping it helps to clear my mind and help ease my hurt and anger.

I've had to come to the realisation that if he wants to do it nothing on this earth is going to stop him, not me and not his children and it does hurt an awful lot but for once I'm thinking about us and not him.

I hope you find something that works for you, I vent on here and Pangolin and Wal1957 have been more than helpful in times my mind couldn't function properly 🙂

Thanks GemLou89 and Pangolin.

GemLou89 - I was wondering how you got a counsellor through Gamanon? I don't think a group meeting is right for me either...

I went on the chat on here and spoke to an advisor and they gave me all the details for the one in my area as they are all different. I thought I would be waiting a while but the woman was in touch quickly and I see her on Wednesday. I really hope they can sort something for you too. In the meantime if you need to chat we are all here to help and listen 🙂