At my wits end

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(@xikcl4mgh7)
Posts: 2
Topic starter
 

My ex was a gambling addict. He constantly had no money and had me taking out payday loans, I was young and naïve and he promised me it would help my credit score and stupidly I believed him. He’d have no money and lend money off me, once that was gone he’d have me putting petrol and other things on my credit card. Until that was maxed out too. It wasn’t a good relationship, we split up and reconciled a lot, he’d build me up just so he could knock me down. He would check my phone and message people while I slept. And then he cheated. I’d always said from the beginning if he cheated there would never be a second chance. This is something I’m pleased to say I stood by. I had a bit of a rebound and realised I needed to recover from my previous relationship, before I could give myself to someone again. After 5 years of being on my own I finally met someone. Someone who made me feel things I’d never felt before. This was the first person I had ever been with who had made me think I don’t want to be with anyone else, I just want them and I’d be happy to spend whatever time I had left with them. I was able to come off my anti-depressants and start to look forward to a happy future with them. The first 6 months were bliss. And then after a lad started working with him who bet all of the time he began depositing £250 at a time. We had always done a little £2.50 bet each for the football on a Saturday but I was not comfortable with these high stakes. Thing is he was using my betting account because he told me his ex had opened accounts using his address and information to play the slots so he had placed himself on gamstop so that she couldn’t sign up to anything in his name. I had no reason not to believe him as he had always shown restraint and we had just been doing fun bets. But in March the fun stopped. He spent all of his savings and his wage and so I took out a payday loan so he could pay his bills. He promised me it wouldn’t happen again and we’ve just gone round in a circle every month since then. The last 9 months have been hell. A few months ago he realised he had £600 in an account he’d forgotten about which he thinks he used when he was in Tenerife with his ex a few years ago as he couldn’t bet on the usual sites due to being abroad. He has since deposited on this site which I believe isn’t based in the UK as he shouldn’t have been able to open or use an account due to being on gamstop. I thought at first I would be able to handle it as, as long as he was using my account I could monitor the amount he was spending. I have had to take out at least 4 payday loans since March (which he promised to pay back each month when he got paid, we have borrowed £2000 off my parents to pay for a holiday we had booked, he doesn’t transfer what he owes to me as soon as he gets paid and then he has no money so I’ve mainly paid the payday loans back myself. He swears he isn’t using this site not based in the UK, however we both live with parents and he doesn’t have the overheads that I have. He doesn’t have a car to pay for or insurance or tax. I have been paying his phone bill. So I cant see how else he could be skint after 48 hours. My credit score has dropped from green to red. I am at the end of my tether with our relationship as he wont admit he has any problems and I’m sick of having no money, I see people going on date nights on social media and we haven’t had one since February because we never have any money to do anything because he’s blasted his pay within 48 hours. I have been understanding and I have done nothing but love him and offer support to help him stop, but I don’t think I can keep doing this. He is well aware of what my ex did and how he treat me and he keeps saying he doesn’t want to be like my ex, however his gambling is worse than my ex’s. I just keep thinking what am I doing wrong? How can I make him realise he needs help and to take it? I am scared if I push him he’s going to just leave but I am also scared if I am going to resent him. I have placed a block on card payments to gambling sites on my card and I am going to ask him to do the same.  

Can anyone advise how I would go about reporting this site?

 

 

 
Posted : 27th November 2023 4:30 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Posts: 5964
Admin
 

Dear jessib_91 

Thank you for sharing your situation. You went through a lot in your first relationship and now you find yourself being hurt again in your current one. Despite all your efforts your partner appears to be in denial about his gambling and the gambling is detrimental to your relationship and wellbeing. Understandably, you are not sure what to do for the best and it can take time to work that out, making decisions when you feel saturated by your situation is not easy, but you have taken a great step by talking about it.  We are also here for you 24/7 on our helpline, whereby we can arrange regular support to help you work things through e.g. setting boundaries to protect yourself. We also have a money guidance service to help your protect your finances https://www.gamcare.org.uk/self-help/managing-your-money/

The bank blocks on the card are a good start, you have the option of GamStop and free gambling blocking software GamBan https://www.gamcare.org.uk/talk/  

Best Wishes

Fiona 

Forum Admin

 

 
Posted : 28th November 2023 7:04 am
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)
Posts: 1493
 

Hi Jessieb 

I’m sorry this is happening again. The first thing you have to do is stop paying for everything, sorting his mess. If you give a gambler money they will gamble it. It makes it easy for them to avoid responsibility. This is his mess not yours.

I know it sounds harsh but that is the only way. Your credit rating is littered with payday loans, not his. You’re the one worrying not him. You have to distance yourself and have the same boundary for gambling as you did cheating. In my experience it’s worse.

to help him he needs to relinquish all access to money. Unfortunately that won’t happen until he realises and admits he has a problem. Reporting sites won’t help. 
look up enabling, learn about compulsive gamblers. Read the diaries. This will not get better until you change your behaviour and stop helping out. Good luck

 
Posted : 28th November 2023 7:31 am
(@xg4vtpr9yk)
Posts: 1
 

 

That sounds incredibly tough to deal with. Have you considered reaching out to a support group or a helpline specializing in gambling addiction? They might provide guidance on reporting the site and offer advice on handling this situation. Taking steps to protect yourself financially and emotionally is essential.

This post was modified 5 months ago by Forum admin
 
Posted : 28th November 2023 9:14 am
(@oc0gyh9u3i)
Posts: 25
 

Hi Jessib

I am sorry to hear you're going through all this.

I am the gambler, unfortunately, and I completely understand what you are saying. It is also unfortunate that you've met another problem gambler who is in denial and slowly ruining your life.

I couldn't describe what you need to do better than Fiona and Merry go round above. You have to protect yourself, otherwise his gambling will totally consume every aspect of your life. If it means to leave him, you need to be ready, you have only one life and you control it.

Take care of yourself.

Ergos

 

 
Posted : 28th November 2023 2:01 pm
(@xikcl4mgh7)
Posts: 2
Topic starter
 

So three months later he has finally admitted he has a problem. Sunday night after being paid on Friday he had nothing left. We'd had a few drinks and he begged me to help him sort himself out. Lots of tears later he agreed to set up a standing order so his wage went into my bank account each month and he would get an allowance and I would keep the rest. He has begged me to send him some money so he can go out with the lads from work however after him blowing his whole wage in 48 hours I refused. I said I would put some money on another card of mine and he could use this for going out. He has now told me to forget it and he's not living like this for the rest of his life. He lied to my face. He denied he was using this site and he's been using it since the first time I asked him about it and he made me feel like I was the worst person ever for even thinking it. I cant trust him right now and I have told him this, however I have told him that I want to rebuild that trust and in order to rebuild it I need him to work with me. This week has been a whirlwind of emotions and I don't know what to do for the best. I love him and I don't want to lose him but I feel like I am giving my all to this, I'm being supportive and trying my best to help and he's giving nothing. He's been depressed and I've been there to hold him, to tell him I'm there for him, to tell him when he's ready to talk I'm here and all he has done to me is make me feel like my best isn't good enough. I understand that admitting you have a problem and what he's going through is hard, but its also hard on me. I cant talk to my parents because of what happened to my ex and my mother being a gambler and I cannot talk to his parents as he says they will kick him out and he will leave me if I do. 

 
Posted : 1st March 2024 1:49 pm
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)
Posts: 1493
 

Hi sad and confused 

this is not your mess to sort out. It’s not your debt to borrow money to repay his gambling debts. 
it’s going to sound harsh but if he gambled his money and wants to go out with the boys that’s his problem. You can’t and shouldn’t give him your card. 
if nothing changes nothing changes.

it doesn’t sound like you can tell anyone because of repercussions. From experience secrets just prolong the agony.

you need to find a meeting or call gamcare and get some real help.

this isn’t your fault or responsibility.

 
Posted : 2nd March 2024 11:51 pm
(@trgmz9u2jp)
Posts: 16
 

Hi Sad and confused, I’m sorry to hear your going through all this. I would sugggest if he doesn’t get help to dump him. I’m sorry you’ve taken out loans to fund his gambling. As a gambler now ex gambler I was borrowing money off my adult son to pay the rent. But I always paid him back. If he’s got money he’ll gamble it. If he’s not got money then he can’t and he goes through times not gambling so he should be able to break free once he accepts help from you. I was registered with gamstop 5 years ago then 6 months ago a friend suggested an international site not on gamstop. There are plenty casinos not on gamstop so I would suggest registering him with Gamban too. 

hope you are well and have sorted things out. Big hugs 

 
Posted : 3rd March 2024 11:14 am

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