well most of you won’t be surprised to see me back again after a year or so of believing that we were finally out of this gambling nightmare! My son is now 24 and back in the grips of gambling addiction and in debt yet again. Feel so hurt and let down as I have been on his side ( non judgemental and supportive emotionally and financially) and still he has lied to me again and again! I had full access to his bank account but dropped my guard as all seemed fine. I wanted to show him that I trusted him and I really did ( more fool me). Started to get concerned when password to online account was changed ( accused me of typing the wrong details etc and had me thinking I was going mad). More parking fines also started building up and now after not paying them the council are planning to send in bailiffs if £504 not paid immediately. Well of course he doesn’t have this so do I pay to avoid the bailiffs coming to my home? He already owes us £2000 from another debt as he had been overpaid at work and had to pay them back ( he said!). He lives with my husband and I and his younger brother. I am terrified he will steal from us as he has stolen from his brother in the past. He is gutted of course and asking for help but I have been trying to get him to phone gamcare. He says he is waiting for a referral but I don’t believe him as he will say anything to shut me up. Any advice help or support please? Feeling desperate and worried sick that he will take his own life as this could be worse than I know about!
Hi cw 22 I would say that you really need to find a gamanon meeting. Get some real support. Call the national debt helpline and ask about bailiff situation. He has to face up to his problems. Try and stop paying his debts. The cycle will continue until you say 'no'. If he's suicidal he can call samaritans, your gp should help if he's depressed. He's relying on you to sort it out for him. He's not taking responsibility for his actions. This isn't going away so you need to find the best way to deal with it. Helping pay his debts is not helping him.
Dear CW22
So sorry that your son's gambling is out of control and his behaviour is so worrying for you. I can understand your fears that he may attempt suicide. Merry go round is right, if he's suicidal, he needs help from his GP and the local mental health services. I can also understand your worries about bailiffs, but you would be well advised to check with experts such as National Debtline, Stepchange or Payplan, about any implications his debts have for you. Don't make a decision like paying off his debts based on fears that may be unfounded - get the facts first.
It must be so difficult balancing your concern for him when he's clearly hurting, and protecting yourself and the rest of the family from his behaviour. Can you think about how to protect yourselves from his stealing?
Unfortunately you may never know if he is truly facing up to his gambling and getting support, but it doesn't sound that way right now. Get support for you. We're here for you on the HelpLine 0808 8020 133 and the NetLine.
Take care,
Deirdre
Forum Admin
Hi CW22
So sorry for all that is happening. Mom's tend to make it personal ... hence the disappointment and hurt. How could they do this after all we have done to try and help. What we feel deep down is an incredible amount of fear. Will they lose their job? Will they end up homeless? Will they try to end their own life? All the "what ifs" keep us doing whatever we can to not have to deal with the answer to those questions. Problem is that thinking we have any control over this is just an illusion that stops us from feeling so afraid.
Can you find a Gam Anon group where you can get some face to face support for yourself. It isn't going to help your son stop gambling but will bring some much needed perspective into you and your life.
Please take care of yourself... physically, emotionally and spiritually. This is no picnic.
Cathyx
Thank you so much for the supportive responses- I will try to take the advice on board. Made a start today in making a GP appointment to see if my son is depressed and what support can be offered. Also contacted Stepchange. Have found out that there are 16 unpaid parking tickets ( council ones with many private ones on top!). My husband and I sat our son down this evening and discussed the situation with him- he finally accepts that he needs support and has agreed to see the GP- it’s a start. We have made it clear that the debts are his to sort and that a condition of him living here is that we take full control of his finances to which he has agreed. I am not a fool and realise he has only agreed because he is backed into a corner. He says he has been honest about debts but I never relax as lying is second nature to him. He is such a wonderful boy I cannot comprehend any of this ( I am such a goody two shoes myself and only ever had one parking ticket which I paid immediately). Feeling exhausted but hopeful.
Hi CW 22, just thought I’d pop by to read a few posts and am sorry to be reading what is happening with your son. You’ve done everything to support him with his addiction and it was working. If he’s serious he will let you support him once more and go to the gps and let you take control of his finances again. They can do so well and then bang! It’s a downwards spiral again. I don’t have control of my sons finances anymore, he is in a relationship now and we have the grandchild I never thought we would have due to his gambling. He is doing well though, working hard, his partner knows everything and is in charge of their finances and knows what to look for, he has been very open with her. Although I am over the moon everything is going well for him I still struggle not to worry, I suppose that is a parents ‘thing’ I really do hope that your son can come back from this and het his life back on track. I wish you all the strength at this stressful time. Take care. WCID.
Hi WCID thank you for responding, I hoped I would hear from you as I recall that our situations sounded very similar a while ago. As you say all was going well then bang! Back to square one and in thousands of £ of debt again. The only difference is that this time he will be sorting this out himself and has already set up a DMP. Cannot believe or even begin to comprehend this happening again, I honestly believed that it was in the past and that he would never end up in this mess again- how naive am I? Did your son actually seek help from gamcare to try and cure his addiction? My son has agreed to my husband and I having control of his finances but he is incredibly manipulative and a compulsive liar. Gutted to be back here. Lovely that you have moved on and have a grandchild- how wonderful. Also that you have support from your sons partner so I guess that must ease the pressure but I expect that the worry will never ever leave us no matter how sorted they seem. This is such a curse.
Hi CW22 no my son didn’t get any help from gamcare his turning point was meeting his partner, that In itself was a worrying time, do I tell her do I not tell her? He has been upfront with her admitted he has problems. He has had a couple of set backs while with her but she tightened things up and told him ‘that was it’ time to get serious. He is working very hard and they have a good life. I really hope it continues like this but the worry is never far away. I really hope your son will take all the help he can, you’re a marvellous mum to be supporting him again. You’re right to let him sort paying his debts off himself and sorting that himself. It’s good you have control of his finances again and I agree about the lying it’s so hard as in the end you end up not believing anything they say which in itself causes problems. It’s an awful path for anyone to be on, for the family the person who has the addiction. Such a worrying ans stressful time I hope things improve soon. Love WCID.
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