Biting my tongue until quarantine is over!

I’ve been with my husband who is a CG for 15 years, I’ve known about his problem for most of that time but at the start didn’t really know gambling addiction was a thing and by the time I realised I was sucked in and in love believing he’d change.

our first few years together were so hard, constant falling out, not sleeping knowing he was up gambling online and drinking all night losing all of our money. I’m not an anxious person but this made me feel like I had a constant brick in my chest. We had a few good years around the time we got married where if he had a slip he told me but for the most part he was doing ok. He gave up his credit cards and I took full control of our finances which I still have to this day.

About a year ago I realised he was gambling again and has ran up about £9,000 in credit card and OD debt. Thing is he still doesn’t know I know. I told him years ago I’ll never go back to how it was, the arguments and constant mistrust literally felt like they were driving me insane and looking back at that time I never should have stayed. I didn’t say anything for most of last year as we had a big 3 week Holiday booked for end of The year and then when we got back I decided to be smart and wait until I had money of my own saved to set myself up and pay for a new rental deposit on my own and a car. I reached my target just as the COVID-19 craziness hit and so now I’m having to bite my tongue as I feel like now would be the absolute worst time to start talking about this with the UK pretty much In lockdown and after 15 years I finally feel like I’m ready to pull the plug no matter how hard it is.

I’m turning back into a crazy person! Even though I know full well he’s downstairs right now getting hammered and gambling and there’s nothing I can do so I may as well look after myself and just sleep I’m standing at the bedroom door listening in on his phone call as he has now found himself a gambling buddy at work and when he goes out to smoke spying through the blinds as I can see what he’s doing on his phone from upstairs. He’s gambling pretty much every night now.

From his bank statements (yes I opened his bank statements which I know is wrong but I needed to know what I was dealing with)  it looks like his mum and dad are giving him money all the time, and a lot. I have no idea what reason he’s giving them for needing it as they know we both have really good jobs and no kids. Even more annoying is that they fully well know he has a gambling problem (they went to meetings with him when he was at uni before I even knew him) and I don’t understand how this isn’t a bright red flashing warning light for them. 

The thing is he doesn’t have access to our joint account and salaries. His credit cards and OD are in his name only and we’re getting on great so long as I bite my tongue and say nothing so as to keep the peace. This feels like the most sensible thing I can do right now when we’re stuck in the house 24/7 together but I’m mentally and physically exhausted, hurt, sad and feel like he’s taking me for a total fool. He really seems to think he has the wool pulled over my eyes. Plus he’s drinking so much and back to smoking after giving up so we’re spending a ridiculous amount of money on those as well which I resent.

Its hard as I know that in pretty much every way i’ll be better off on my own but I feel so bad at the thought of leaving him as he’s useless at looking after himself. For the most part I have no one to talk to but his best friend of 25 years knows all about it and the last time he was visiting we had a quick chat and he said something that really resonated with me and I haven’t been able to get out of my head that my husband gets so much from me in this marriage but he can’t see what I’m getting from it ....the answer is pretty much nothing. 

Anyway I know now he’s never going to change as the fact is he doesn’t want to. Plus now it will mean him having to give up his new best friend since we moved here and I know he won’t agree to that.....or he would and then just lie about what he’s doing. Like most CGs he’s an accomplished liar. The fact is he can’t win as I won’t believe him.

Is anyone else feeling totally stuck in a corner at the moment? I feel sad and lonely and that brick is well and truly back on my chest. ?

I feel like the things I’d need to be reassured he wouldn’t do and even then wouldn’t be a total block. I’d want gamblock back on all of our devices including his work phone and laptop, tell his mum and dad, stop seeing his friend, let me see a monthly credit check to see if he has taken out any new debt and hand over his current credit cards and show me his bank/credit card statements monthly. There’s no way he’ll agree to all of that and even then he can gamble at his friends house, go to the casino and pay cash, gambling is everywhere and the long and short of it is I can’t trust him. I just don’t know what to do and if I’m honest the reason I don’t talk to my friend/family is because I know they’ll say it’s time to leave.