Can a relationship survive cg?

Hi, BiS,

Nothing's easy about dealing with an addiction. His choices are about whether to gamble or whether to choose recovery. Yours are about what to tolerate and if you don't want to live your life with his addiction hovering in the background, then don't!

I would never have married an addict if I had known that's what I was doing.

Definitely put yourself first, you get no prizes for being a martyr.

CW

I'm sorry to be negative, but seriously I adored my oh, unconditional love for him, I loved him when he was unlovable, thief cheat, liar and put up with temper tantrum and lived in poverty for 10 years,

I never had a single unselfish thought thrown my way by him, I just enabled his gambling, I was a means to an end, so I wasted my life.

If I knew then what I know now about addiction, id have run for the hills.

Your life, your choice, but seriously...... I will NEVER get those years back, and I wish to god someone had been frank and honest with me about the future with a gambler.

Im guessing you are a lovely caring genuine person, because my darling they choose us! See us coming a mile off and you can bet your bottom dollar ( pun intend) that the second you start putting firm boundaries in place they will turn on you, surest way to P**s off a gambler is to cut off your help enabling covering up and taking responsibility for their actions, try it and see.

Dont waste too long finding out if it's worth it, take full inventory of your own life, dreams and ambitions, do they involve being lied to, and broke for years, having nothing in the bank and always in fear of finding out a little gamble has happened, dealing with all this while your own sense if self is lost amongst the havoc the destruction of gambling causes?

Be brave, know your own worth!

Sending you strength and wisdom! X

Thanks for your comments, I'm extremely emotional today, I'm in the process of like you say, cutting of the type of rescue help I usual give and am trying to help on my terms, on the advice of gam care-it's going terribly because although he thinks he wants to stop and some of the measures he is prepared to accept he doesn't want to stop if that makes sense so he is reluctant to move forward with all measures, it's like leaving a get out exit clear-I'm encouraging professional help but no luck yet. The consequences of not bailing him out this time is so hard to bare and scary, he says I'm making things worse, he says he wishes he never came to me for help, he says he thinks our relationship will never be the same. It's all a big secret still, I need someone to help us, I'm desperate, I don't know what to do.

Hi, BiS,

Oh, really? You're making things worse? There he is, poor man, trying to make everything right, really wanting to stop gambling, really really wanting to save the relationship but he just can't, because of you, you're doing it all wrong, you're failing him. So his hands are tied, better if he gambles.

BiS, you've read that active CGs are manipulative? He's trying to manipulate you, don't give him the responses he's looking for. This will anger him but (subject to your safety and what you are willing to tolerate) don't let that phase you.

He wishes he'd never asked you for help? He wants you to think that you're somehow failing him, he wants to blame you because then it's not down to him. Your response? Something along the lines of: I am supporting you the best way I can but at the end of the day you have to help yourself and I can't do it all for you. I'm not responsible for your choices. I'm doing what I can, I will do what I need to do but what about you? What are you doing, what measures are you taking to get help and accept it? What are you going to do to save our relationship?

If you stop bailing out, if you keep telling him that he is responsible for his own actions, it will make it harder for him to gamble. And there's a real risk that with effective barriers and financial control, the doors to his gambling might actually close. No money no gamble. In other words, he might not be able to gamble when deep down he's not sure that he wants to give it up. His response? Tell you the barriers aren't needed, he's not a child. Your response? You're doing this for your own protection and to support him.

If you don't bail him out and he might actually have to face the direct consequences of his actions, he won't thank you for it, aggression is another tool CGs use to try to make family members back off.

re telling, I told everyone who needed to know, his parents and close family, the school, some of my trusted friends. Not for spite, there's no need to denounce him on FB. But his family and anyone else he may see as a source of cash do need to know. Otherwise you may find yourself jumping through hoops not to enable but his parents are giving him cash instead. Or that everyone does know and is giving him cash but he's persuaded them all to keep quiet to "protect" you and each other.

re finances, get reports from all three agencies in your name and his to see the true state of the debt. If he doesn't cooperate, that's ominous and you should think carefully about what you're prepared to tolerate.

Hope this helps,

CW

can't explain how much better your post just made me feel, thank you

Good morning,

In answer to your question - yes a relationship can survive.

As previously alluded to the gambler must take some life changing steps and life changing decisions.

I last gambled in April 2015. All finances, bank cards, cheque books were passed to my wife. I basically had no cash. If I needed something it was bought for me or I was given cash to buy but receipts to the penny must be provided. I have access to my card again. Have used it twice in 3 months and generally leave it at home.

The gambler will try and manipulate you, blame you and generally make you feel that you are the problem. That is certainly not the case.

When I stopped smoking I became grumpy. So my OH would say "have a cigarette will you to stop being so miserable". Now - I didn't stop quitting. I was told to therefore it's not my fault.

When I hit rock bottom when gambling I was told in a clear, non threatening and concise manner. "If you are ever in the bookies again I will leave you".

Do ultimatums work is another thread on the forum.

It never has been and never will be your fault because your OH gambles - despite what rubbish they may spout and throw towards you.

Never argue with a gambler either. It just won't get you anywhere.

You are at the crossroads of the paths to your future.

I wish you well

Hi, again, BiS,

I was married for nineteen years before the gambling was fully exposed, ie this time round. First time round, I got denial, blame, half measures and the gambling continued. This time round he's serious.

We have four children, I've been in a relationship with him for over half my life, albeit as I've realised, a lot of that time it was in emotional and financial terms an abusive relationship. It's not so easy to walk away.

My husband does know which side his bread is buttered. He is still in the house, abstaining, no longer in denial but still minded to blame me. He handed over full financial control, he goes to GA meetings and more recently he has started therapy, as have I. Efforts are being made but it's about trying to rebuild what he has laid waste to, we hope it's possible but it's hard and it's a huge task. However, it can be done, with the right input from both parties, others have managed. He has to face his demons, abstaining is a pre-requisite but it's not enough, he needs genuine recovery as well. For you, the ideal would be to live a life where your peace of mind and well being aren't dependent on whether he gambles. That normally comes after you have full financial control; fc is a crutch to support him, for you, it ensures your financial safety and peace of mind.

Look after yourself, stay strong.

CW

Your right, it really is a cross roads. Part of the problem is I really don't want to do the necessary , don't get me wrong I will but I don't want to, Im thinking of saying " I want us to be together and share our lives together, I'll be with you every step of the way if you choose to stop gambling and get help but if you want to continue in this cycle then I'm going to have to consider what is best for me and our children's future" what do you think?

Hi, BiS,

You should do what is right for you. Remember that you can inhibit his gambling or you can facilitate it, depending on how you respond to him, but you can't control what he does. You can't control whether he chooses gambling over his family. Therefore any ultimatum is about you, about your life, about what you're prepared to put up with and what boundaries you need if you're to stay together. It's fair enough for you to insist that he does what it takes to stop gambling if you are to stay together, I did that. But in terms of it "working", my husband chose to stop. Had he not, he wouldn't be in our home; him continuing to gamble in our home was not an option.

In other words, an ultimatum need only work for you, it's not about you forcing a change in his behaviour that he's not willing to make. It's about setting out what you will tolerate.

However, never, but never, make an empty threat. If you don't follow through, that would be a weakness ripe for exploitation. You can only do it if you're serious, he needs to understand beyond any doubt that you mean it. Otherwise don't go there.

Take care,

CW

You're right I need to think about if I'm doing it for me or him.

Hi, again, BiS,

One other point, mentioned elsewhere but not on your thread: unchecked, the addiction gets worse. Bills may well be being paid at the moment but what if he "borrows" the rent/mortgage for gambling? There are posts on the other side of the forum about rent ending up in the fruit machines at the casino.

In our case, my husband had been gambling a for a few years before he cleared out the children's savings.

Take care,

CW

Thinking of you. Where are you now in your feelings? X

Hi lucky escape

Thanks for your message and sorry for the slow response on my part.

I'm feeling really low, very tearful. My husband has arranged a counciling appointment so that's positive and I now have complete control of finance including statements and experian, It was only when I got the experian I learnt this week the problem is much worse than I originally thought and of course the realisation that I've been lied too once again since starting this post. I'm trying to take it day at a time, I'm trying not to take it personally but it feels like there has been no consideration for me or our children and although I try to be supportive I find doing so and still being lied too unbareable. I'm constantly thinking about "what if" scenarios which basically outline that if I wasnt a responsible human being with money saved we would be up the creak with no paddle right now and that really upsets me, my hard earnt savings needed for general living with no choice on my part. It's really hard, I don't trust him but I still love him, i don't like telling him how I feel because I feel he thinks Im making him feel worse than he already does and things are bad enough for him without me piling it on so I guess I'll silently take it on the chin to spare the feelings of someone who struggled to consider mine. I'm staying cool as a cucumber but on the inside I'm sobbing.

Hi Bark in Silence

Im the mum of a compulsive gambler.

It took me a very long time to accept that this is not our fault, you have done absolutely nothing wrong, I was made to feel extremely guilty, according to my son Ive ruined his life.

Everyone here has told you how manipulative a compulsive gambler is and how good they are at blaming us for all that is wrong in their lives. As I was reminded by Cynical Wife and my counsellor its easier for them to blame us than accept responsibilty for their actions and this is what I try and remember every day.

Im sure you'll have read my posts, my son isnt in our lives any more and I am shattered, struggling to cope, but I will in time. I know even more than ever that our decsision to tell him to go was absolutely necessary and we will not be changing our minds.

The last time I saw my son he screamed at me that when he kills himself it will be my fault, and a baby I lost was better off dead than have a Mum like me. He was obviously very distressed and lashing out, and still I told him to go and I'd do it again because its whats best for him and us, he has to feel the consequences of his behaviour and so do all cg's

Telling him his behaviour was unacceptable brought out a real monster and he fought back hard, but we learned to stand our ground and put us first. As a mum my instinct was the complete opposite, wanted nothing more than to hug him and tell him it was all going to be ok, but I had to look past that or he would continue to manipulate us and it would never end.

Now that your husbands secret is out he's going to lash out, but please dont listen to any of it, this is not your fault, you havent done anything wrong.

Just because they gamble and behave so badly doesnt mean we stop loving them, but we have to put ourselves first because to a cg we will never be their priority.

Do what is right for you and your children and get as much support as you can.

Take care x