My husband is a gambling addict. He says he has stopped for 4months now, I only found out 3 months ago that he had a problem, as although I knew things weren't good between us I didn't realise why.
He says he wants to stop and says he will never gamble again, has been for counselling and shows me his bank account on a weekly basis, I even see all receipts. So I want to believe he is now being honest with me.
However, it is an addiction and awful as it sounds it's like I'm waiting for him to fall/relapse.
There are no children involved currently, but this is them man that I always thought would be the dad to my children. I now have doubts as the trust is broken and I don't want to put any of my babies through having an addict as a father.
He admitted his problem to me and seems genuine in wanting to stop, but I just don't know if it is something that can be maintained and ironically it'd be like me taking a gamble staying with him.
I don't know what to do for the best.
Dear Helen,
Welcome to the Forum!
The news of your husband's gambling problem is relatively fresh and as you say, it affects the trust in a relationship greatly.
It is good that he has opened up to you and that he has demonstrated motivation to change. Showing you account statements regularly can be both, a helpful strategy for him to ensure that he cannot use money in his account to gamble with as well as a way to work on the trust between the both of you. Maybe you can both even think of additional strategies which would be beneficial, like cutting himself off access to money and/or gambling opportunities.
You seem to be asking a different question though. You seem to be asking whether he now will stop gambling. And I think that you are right, wanting to stop and actually stopping are two different issues.
It seems clear to you that he wants to stop. Whether he will stop, is something that you both have to find out over time. Lapses are not unusual during recovery, they don't have to happen, but often they are part of the process of stopping. It is a learning curve for anyone who embarks on this journey.
This leaves you with an element of uncertainty in life, an uncertainty that is largely out of your control. And this can cause anxiety about the future. Maybe this is what you experience now?
Like recovering from a gambling problem, trust takes time to re-build and recover, too. And just as recovering from a gambling problem, you may experience set-backs with this. There are many paralells as you both embark on a journey which entails change.
Whether you feel that you want (and can) to embark on this
journey is your decision and there is no right or wrong way of doing this. The best way is probably the way which feels right for you.
I hope this helps.
Kind wishes
Gabriele
Hi Helen, welcome to the Forum and well done for sharing this honest and heartfelt post about your husband.
Your husband has done very, very well; I can imagine how hard this must be for you but he has already come further than some ever will by opening up and showing you his bank statements.
I gambled for twenty years before stopping around five years ago. I have also been a part of this forum for seven years, and seen many hundreds come through this; I also know people outside this Forum who have stopped for 20/30 years.
You have every right to feel the way you do my friend; the main thing now is that you maintain that level of honesty - as well as showing you everything, you can ask him to phone you if he is experiencing even the mildest urge; explain that, in order for you to have peace of mind, you need to be aware of how he is feeling - explain that, to you, it won't be acceptable to find out he is gambling again without you at least knowing first.
I am sure he is a kind, decent and honest man without compulsive gambling in his life. It made me anxious, deceitful, emotional, tempremental and much more; without it, I am a world away from feeling like that and couldn't be again.
Please take heart from the fact that he is trying, and doing very well; four months doesn't sound like a great deal but the early days are the hardest by far. He may have some bad days but that's ok, that's fine if he speaks to you first - maybe you could attend a GA meeting together? You wouldn't have to interact, you could just sit at the back of the hall, listening to others, which can be enormously reassuring and liberating.
You seem like a good couple, I sincerely hope you can find a way forward; this doesn't have to be a life sentance my friend if you can work together.
In conclusion, and in response to the topic of your post, he most certainly can stop for good and from the hard work and progress he has made so far, I would say that he has a better chance than many others.
JamesP
Thank you both for your kind words and advice.
I very much appreciate it.
It is a very difficult and less than ideal situation to be in. I know it will take time and effort from us both.
I do take some comfort in your words though so thank you.
You're very welcome Helen, happy to help.
As well as him giving you complete honesty operating on a level of openness, please try and give him the same - don't suffer in silence my friend; if there is any way he can help or ease your state of mind, then tell him and try not to bottle it up.
Try and be positive my friend - he has rare qualities that I have seldom seen in my seven years as part of this Forum.
JamesP
Thank you James P. I have spoken to my husband since my original post about my concerns and I do feel better for it. He was also glad I told him I think.
interesting question for a gambler who keeps going back to it
can i stop for good?
i want to
is that enough?
doesn't seem to be
but i hope i wont gamble today
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
