Cant think straight

Hi, parent of a gambler here so know what you and his parents have been and are now going through again. You have done the right thing by coming here and now I urge you to pick up the telephone and call Gamcare for further advice and support. I would also recommend you tell his parents as well as this is a nightmare situation to try and keep secret and tackle on your own. He sounds like he is digging his heels in and has reached that don't-care stage of who he is hurting. I know it sounds really hard but you need to build some sort of strength up to try and take control of the finances if possible, make sure noone bails him out this time. It is difficult with children involved and only you know what his possible reactions will be but if you are worried get his parents thee when you are talking to him. You and your kids are the most important thing and I hope you remain strong to cope with it. If you get help and research your rights and how to protect yourself as well I think you can be ok.

Take care.

Ive already called gamcare who suggested counselling but I am trapped as all my options are negative with no hsppy outcome.

Hi thanks/ he did tell his parents but not local To us so not in position to provide that sort of help. Last time they blamed me also said must have driven him to it. This time not do much that way but their advice was not to think about it ! They don't seem to fully understand.

If I don't try reduce the debt, monthly minimum commitments that are in joint names will be missed so I get a bad credit file .plus we have school fees that too late give notice on and are legally expected. He's at a point where he can't pay minimum not just his debt.

Ive already called gamcare who suggested counselling but I am trapped as all my options are negative with no hsppy outcome.

Hi thanks/ he did tell his parents but not local To us so not in position to provide that sort of help. Last time they blamed me also said must have driven him to it. This time not do much that way but their advice was not to think about it ! They don't seem to fully understand.

If I don't try reduce the debt, monthly minimum commitments that are in joint names will be missed so I get a bad credit file .plus we have school fees that too late give notice on and are legally expected. He's at a point where he can't pay minimum not just his debt.

Hi,

I think that's the point: it's about you getting help for you to make things better for you. I can relate to feeling trapped and angry and defeated but your immediate problem is that you feel this way, your problem is the effect that he's having on you. That's why you need external help. Reach out and take it because you deserve it, because there are no white knights and no rescuers.

If he wants to help himself, the best route is via GA and there's a lot of practical advice about limiting access to gambling. Leave him to fix him, you worry about fixing you so that you can be there for you and for your children (age appropriate). It's not your job to fix anyone else.

CW

Hi Looktothefuture

Thank you for your reply on my topic "finally asking for a divorce after 23 years" I'm still slightly confused about where to respond to posts etc .

I was amazed reading your story how similar our husbands are in terms of showing no remorse. My husband once said to me, when I was complaining about all the money he had gambled over the years "Tough.....it's gone and forgotten now" That is the problem, he has never ever said sorry properly, never been remorseful and never admitted he had a problem. He also thinks it's my problem too. This is the reason I have finally ended my marriage, because unlike other addicts on here, he has never wanted help.

Being honest your husband sounds a million miles from being ready to change. Like mine he seems oblivious to the hurt he's caused you. This may change but in my husband's case it didn't. He also had no respect for me and spoke to me so disrespectfully in front of the children. You need to be very clear on this and tell him you will not put up with that in front of your children or any other time. Do not let him bully you into signing anything. Why should you lose equity when the debts are his?

You spoke about his lack of concern to your health problems, this is very familiar to me. I once thought I was having a heart attack and he refused to call an ambulance and called me a 'drama queen' I had in fact lost 2.5 pints of blood and spent five days in hospital.

You ask whether you should stay as you think he'd be a bad influence during access visits if you split. He is already a bad influence and now this is 24/7 rather than just on weekend visits.

i cannot tell you to leave him but listening to your story I would certainly consider it. You deserve so much more than this.

Thankyou for your reply. This is what my head trlls me too. Then I feel worried for the children being with him without me and also being without him most of the time as they have good relationship with him as obviously too young to know the truth and my son in particular is close to him. Although is frightened when dad is in a temper. I've been clear about boundaries, he appears to agree. Then uses words like "tough"and you've get to move on as can't dwell on it . In my situation it looks as if I'll have to sign mortgage advance as he can't settle debts any other way - turned down for debt consolidation loans etc sand he is wasting so much money paying off the multiple existing loans -it means debts six off and school fees not paid. I keep deciding I've got to go and then think I can't help kids if I do- access is my real fear.

Have you actually taken advice from anyone other than reading this forum? Sorry if you have already said so, I can't remember.

If I am perfectly honest with myself I think I made my children the excuse for staying with him (not suggesting you are doing that) because I was scared to go it alone. It is a terrifying thought. My daughter was two and my son four and a half (just started school) when we split up the first time. I understand so well your line "Although is frightened when dad is in a temper" You must ask yourself is this right for your son? Should a small child ever feel frightened? My son was and I know that I should have left many years ago. The first few years of my son's life were spent hearing a lot of anger. When my daughter was born it had calmed down a lot and then when she was two I threw him out as he started his games again. By then my son had witnessed more than he should.

So at 11 (daughter) and 14 (son) I am full of regret for waiting this long. If I'd done it years ago we wouldn't be going through this trauma now, now that they are at an age where they will never forget the trauma of the split. At the very worst and damaging time for my son, soon to begin GCSE studies. He is extremely shy, lacks confidence and finds social situations uneasy. However, he has lovely friends, works incredibly hard at school and is achieving. With us at home he us funny and an amazingly great son. Yet I wonder daily did his past experiences change how he might have been.

I don't know what the answer is for you but please take heed and do not turn a blind eye as I did. If access frightens you then this can be discussed and sorted easily. Nothing, and I mean nothing is insurmountable!! Your husband has caused/is causing untold hurt yet his attitude is "so what, stop whinging"

Go and get some advice, it is just that, advice. You don't need to follow it, but you have it and will know your rights. Do you work? I guess your children are at private school....would you consider state school? It may be a way of lessening your outgoings and if it means that you could split (if it came to that) up with less hardship then it is worthwhile considering. A little child in state school living with one parent and no fear is a better outcome.

Take advice before you release equity, it's his mess. What then when he has gambled equity release? Don't make this easy for him.

Good luck

Hi

Mr L went through a phase of suggesting we move when his debts were secretly at their peak and we actually looked into it when it all came to light. I refused in the end. Didn't see why I should lose my home and downsize for his stupidity along with the worry that he might just do it all over again (which he did). I would be very reluctant to secure gambling or any other unsecured debt on my home. That way lies potential eviction. What's to stop your husband doing it all over again and demanding another slice of the equity to bail him out? The debts are his reponsibilty. He ran them up, he can figure out how to repay them. CAB, Payplan and Stepchange would be a good starting point for him. They will negotiate affordable repayments and hopefully get interest and charge frozen for the duration of any management plan.

Telling you to move on and wanting it swept under the carpet is classic manipulation. Don't fall for it. He lost the right to call the shots the instant he took out the first loan behind your back. You have every right to the fine detail of what's been going on. If he won't provide it and hand over control of the finances to you, it's another red flag among the many he's already waving.

He won't give up the gambling until he wants to. If he doesn't, you and the kids are in for more of the same. No-one can advise on what you should do but it's a toxic atmosphere already and it won't get any better unless and until he decides he wants to stop which may be a long way off if ever. Think hard about the kind of atmosphere you and they deserve now and ongoing. Put you and them first.

Hi thanks all - yes I've sought legal advice From a solicitor (very expensive!!) and spoken to financial advisers, citizens advice and the payplan lines (variety) . I know as a result that ny husband doesn't qualify for any payment plan as too much equity in house and I'm at point where he can't pay mortgage let alone e debts- thus I will lose house of status who remains. I have choice to either minimise damage to me by having to countersigned equity release and ensure all cards and l And are settled and closed and retain control of finances (he has given me access and he cannot now access). I have considered moving schools- the area we are in though means are a few schools that are ok but I cannot afford a property here at all other than one we in- no option to downsize unless only two bedrooms which not appropriate for my aged kids as one boy and one girl and even then they are in areas known to be "dodgey" which doesn't inspire me to think it will be better. I can see I'd have to relocAte to buy somewhere that offers a bit of security which is possible but October is when apply for secondary state and my daughter will then be st bottom of pile for states if move as can't imagine be sold Snd in by then and there is wide opportunity for inadequate secondaries. I'm trying to weigh up what risks are if staying and of going.... majority time with children relationship is positive / he not here that much either. He is says by right things like he needs help (on counselling waiting list) and I can have full access to accounts and he won't have but as we speak debts are there and there is no money until end m th to pay them or anything v else Snd so either they bounce or I pay. If they bounce, he's even less likely to clear them with mortgage advance as credit rating will decline and they will say no. In that case there is no option but to sell but solicitor says that actually most likely is debts re will put charge to n house and force sale but all the while it doesn't sell their interest rate goes up. Unless I release money with him on mortgage, house will be lost.

Hi look to the future, I'm trying to work out how to do/ say things that will help. Do you want to stay with him? In same house? Same status re schools? If only way is to release equity then that's what you should do. BUT only do this if all his salary comes directly to you in your own account, you then pay all bills and mortgage. Tell your bank and mortgage company that he is not allowed access. I did this. All loans were in his name, direct debits went from my account. Any gambling that he did was from money he held onto when he was given cash for lunch etc. I thought it would be safe to open isa in his name with 'gift' he got from work. Fatal mistake. We all learn lessons along the way. My solution is no money at all, he agrees........ if you want to leave him then you have to be strong, change schools, maybe rent. ...... or downsize together, .... there are many ways to release the pressure. I think you need to talk and gauge whether he is committed to stopping. Main priority is control of finances, open all post, salary to you today.

Thankyou x

Hi again

The amount of equity in the house shouldn't affect a debt management plan which is an informal arrangement for the unsecured debts which is reviewed regularly. Have you spoken to your mortgage lender? It may be they can help you come to some arrangement with that. If you do go down the equity release route you must make sure it's as difficult as possible for him to get any further credit which means you must have access to and review his credit reports from all three agences very regularly. Mr L has lodged notices of correction with all the agencies stating that he does not wish to be offered or extended any credit even if he applies for it and/or appears to qualify. I also pay for an alert service which will email me should anything change in between the monthly report updates. Unfortunately it's only with one agency but it's better than nothing.

I can't advise on the schools other than to say maybe go and look at them? Statistics alone won't paint an accurate picture. Ask about provision for more able gifted/talented pupils and what the recent results for this group are.

I think Lethe is right. We have a lot of equity and my husband used a debt management plan a few years ago. I'd thought this was because our business was in trouble but now know it was his gambling addiction.

How long has Mr L been clean Lethe? He seems 100% totally committed to beating his addiction and very dedicated to you.

Sorry I forgot to say, the only thing that. On earns me about you releasing equity is that you say your husband isn't remotely remorseful and is acting as though you being upset is an overreaction. You felt he was judging you for being blindsided by his actions. That does not sound good at all. You really need more assurances from him that he will do everything you ask. Releasing equity is such an easy way out for him it won't serve as much of a deterrent for future mistakes.