This may sound ridiculous but I'm at home sitting here like a bag of nerves. I found out in January my husband had been gambling again and it was a lot of money, long story short it almost broke us. It's now last chance saloon and while I know it's a lifelong effort on his part not to gamble and I can't get complacent I can honestly say he's doing very well. Attending meetings and councilling and I have control of all finances and passwords for accounts and credit reports etc. He has complied with everything. He opens up, we speak about everything and I have honestly saw huge changes in him all round. He has been working a lot to pay off his debts and has done well so far but this has meant that he hasn't had much time for himself. So tonight he is off to the pub to meet some friends. Cash in his pocket, bookies 2 doors down from the pub and his friend is a heavy gambler. He has self excluded from all of them in our area but I know it's not 100% it will always work. My question is, how do I know? How can I trust he's just having a few pints and spending time with friends? I suppose you can't ever trust their word again when it comes to this but how do you avoid driving yourself nuts? I don't want to be that wife that won't let him go out and questions everything he does but we're passed the days where I said "well I have his word so I just need to trust him" because he always broke my trust previously. I'm sorry for the huge script but I feel I've had a good purge. Cheers
K
It will get easier with time and you aren't feeling anything unusual. 🙂
Cathyx
I guess you are never going to know and jjust have to think back to the signs from before and watch very carefully. But all you are saying sounds really positive and like he wouldn't want to gamble. The only worrying thing you have said is that he is going out with his friend who is a heavy gmabler. Why is he doing that? Purposefully putting temptation his way? I would have serious questions about whether that friendship can continue.
You will never be 100% sure but if you have the finances tied up the best you can do is reassure yourself that any damage he can do (other than to his own mindset) is minimised. I'd also be very concerned about the heavy gambling friend. Can he see him places gambling isn't accessible? Maybe host him at home?
Yeah it's going to be a case of time will tell. It will take time for him to prove himself and also for me to get over the hurt. He seems to be on the right path and I couldn't fault him so far. With his friend it's a tough one. He has a very good group of friends that he's had since primary school. They're a great group of guys and I like them a lot so I wouldn't want to be giving any ultimatums there. I also think it's real life there will always be a reason to gamble if he wants one so I can't eliminate every possible scenario. His night went well he said he didn't feel the urge to gamble and the drink and pub setting didn't affect him. I know another time it may do but that's going to be up to him to work through if I'm doing everything I can at my end. I don't know if that's wrong? I just feel the minute I start telling him who he can be friends with and trying to control what he does is the minute I'm in a marriage I don't want to be in. Maybe I'm still naive. I'm not saying anyone is wrong for thinking differently x
Hi,
Well, he went out with a heavy gambler to somewhere within reach of slot machines or gambling facilities. Your concerns are obviously well grounded and there's no guarantee that he'll never gamble again. But hard as it is to let go, it's even harder to be on tenterhooks every time he goes out or otherwise be in a chronic state of high alert. It's no good for you and the family. And it's no good asking him in detail when he returns, because you can't rely on his answer anyway. If he were minded to mislead you, he would, which is why locking down the finances gives some reassurance about damage limitation. For me, I don't worry about what my husband does out of the house, he gambled alone on line so a bit different but the finances are locked and there's no evidence of gambling or temptation.
What to do? You can point out the question mark and suggest another activity or venue. But long term, as you say, you have no control over where he goes and with whom and it's not your responsibility. However, your needs (including your need for reassurance) also matter and it's worth pointing that out to him. It's a balancing act but when he does go out, try to do something nice to distract you, have friends in or treat yourself. And if you really can't relax because of what he is doing to trouble your antennae, then it becomes a question about what you are going to do to change your situation.
Look after you.
CW
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