This past weekend I found out my partner has a gambling addiction. I had absolutely no idea. A year ago I woke to him crying over debt he claimed was due to people owing him money and as it was around £5k I turned to my parents who helped him. Fast forward 12 months, we’ve had a baby and everything, so I thought, was going well. We were making plans (based on his lies obviously) and there were no signs that there was anything wrong.
Last Friday I received a text from him and opened thinking it would be to let me know when I could roughly expect him home. Instead it was a suicide message, further followed over the course of that afternoon and I was frantic, in fact I doubt I’ll ever get over the pain it put me through. I contacted his close friends and thankfully with their help he agreed to meet one of them. I stopped making contact as I knew he was safe but was in termoil as I had no idea what led to this. I had hoped that after a nights rest he’d call me, apologise and come home so we could talk, instead I received a phone call much the same as the texts the previous day. He didn’t even sound like himself! At the time I was at my parents with our son and he agreed to drive home, however told me he needed to be alone. We finally saw each other on Sunday morning, although I was scared of walking in and finding him hurt or worse so I went without our son.
It turned out that something he had led me to believe was real from the start of our relationship was a lie, only part of it was true (I’m still waiting to see evidence of this) but that the main issue is his gambling addiction, on Friday afternoon, upon being paid, he managed to pay our rent and a couple of bills then blew the rest on a slot app (£2,500) realising the gravity of what he had done he then then threw up, left work and walked for hours while texting me
After a long heart to heart I collected our son for him to see and he broke down, I think seeing the look of distraught on my face and the happiness in our sons made him realise what he could lose. I gave him conditions for us staying and in fairness to him on Monday he completed a lot of them. He saw a gp, cut up his credit cards, made an account here (he may even read my post), consolidated his debt, opened a new bank account so that I can take control of his finances and has agreed to let me open his mail. I changed the password on the app he uses (he only gambles in this) and he used Gamstop and banned himself for 5 years.
This is all a great step, but I find myself suspicious. He has covered this up so well and I believed his lies. I’ve asked him to prove his salary as he’s told me he’s been promoted during this time. He brought home his contract and this shows his salary increase to be correct. I’ve asked to see paperwork to back another story up, this one is a dealbreaker and while he’s agreed I’m yet to see it. Initially he agreed to go to a ga meeting but now says it won’t help him. He’s also trying to get out of redirecting his pay to the new account out of concern that his bills may bounce. I’ve told him to work out his outgoings and I’ll transfer enough to cover it but he’s still protesting.
He does this my way or I’ll leave, it’s as simple as that. He feels he can simply stop gambling because it’s his choice to do so and that his finances will be fine once he does it, but how likely is this? Can a gambling addict really just stop overnight? He has nothing to gamble with but come payday...
I will not bail him out, this is his debt, but I am paying bills that my name is attached to. I’m good with money and refuse to affect my credit rating over this, however I depend on him as a stay at home mum so I’m scared.
I don’t know what to do/say and what to avoid. I love him but I’m disgusted by him at the same time. I trusted this man 100% and over a weekend he’s destroyed that. I find myself checking everything including his texts and I hate him for turning me into this person! I want to stand by him. I want to believe that he means his promises and I want to believe it’s possible to stop.
Any advice is welcome. Thanks
Hi confused, such a familiar tale. I too had a young boy when my husband 'kind of' confessed, promised never again , and on it goes. This is about you, what will you accept, what help you get? How serious you think this is? I am married to someone who doesn't give 100%, has a secret, suffers depression. My husband had his pay straight to me. He still continued off and on for 15 years using other accounts, isa etc, gambling loans. If you take finances it has to be 100%, credit reports, cash and receipt to the penny. GA meetings and gamanon for you. You have to learn how to deal with the gambler, safeguard yourself and get support. His reluctance is a sign of him wanting to gamble. He is in the grip of addiction. This is going to be a difficult time. No bailouts, no ultimatums. Set boundaries, encourage him to seek help. Read the forum and diaries. Online slots are highly addictive, passwords on apps is not enough, delete them. Gamstop is good but not 100% of sites. Gamban can be downloaded to gadgets. This is forever, always an addict. It's how you move forward that is important, don't wait for him to do it. Find a meeting, call gamcare for counselling, stepchange for debt.
"I don’t know what to do/say and what to avoid. I love him but I’m disgusted by him at the same time. I trusted this man 100% and over a weekend he’s destroyed that. I find myself checking everything including his texts and I hate him for turning me into this person! I want to stand by him. I want to believe that he means his promises and I want to believe it’s possible to stop."
It is like you have plucked this out of my head. I don't know about you but part of me just wants someone to tell me what to do! Unfortunately the truth is, which I am sure you have heard a million times, this has to be your decision. You have to decide what you can accept and what you can't. Worst scenario... 6 months / a year / 5 years down the line he does this again, can you handle it? Can you deal with the disappointment and heartbreak and do what needs to be done to get him and the rest of your family through it. In all honesty I don't know if I can or can't, it's something I am battling with too. But if he does it again (my partner has just relapsed) it doesn't hurt any less, the lies aren't less devasting and you are no less hurt. So what I guess I am saying is... Can you go through this again and survive? It is not fair that you have to be the strong one, that you have to forever watch his and your back and live under a cloud of uncertainty, life is so very unfair. But build barriers, protect yourself and your baby and then you may be able to accept who he is. Give yourself time, insist on it, you just need space to work out what you want, not what is best for him or anything else, just what you want. Good luck with it all, I really hope that it all works out for you.
It's not good enough that he's protesting anything that reassures you. If he had an ounce of self awareness he'd realise that. If he really wanted to stop he'd be desperate to comply with anything that might help, no excuses.Direct debits are easy to transfer to a new account. The bank will do it for him. How can he possibly know GA won't help?
We all want to believe what they say. Truth is we can't. They will all look us in the eye and lie Make sure you see independent proof all is as he says. If he refuses, be wary.
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