Hello,
After reading many of the posts on here I decided to write my own post. I found out a couple of weeks ago that my boyfriend of nearly 6 years has been gambling excessively for our entire relationship. He is in debt with his bank and has taken out credit cards and loans.. all of which I had no idea about! I cannot believe I didn't even know!
About 3 years ago I found out he was gambling and had a credit card.. his parents bailed him out and as far as I was concerned I thought it all would just stop. He promised it would to me and his family. He said he closed his credit card etc. As I was with him for 3 years at this point I didn't get involved with it too much because I didn't think it was that bad! Stupid me..
Now it's worse than ever.. the lies are unbearable. The day I found out he lied up until the moment he finally admitted it was gambling that caused his debt. He hasn't actually admitted he has a problem honestly yet. He has been living with me and my family for the past 2.5 years and we were planning (as I thought) saving for a house for next year!!! He had money given to him from a relative to go towards the house and sold his car for this (because I have a car he can use), obviously all that has gone! Even the day I found out he said he hadn't spent that money because it was 'our' money. I cannot believe how stupid I have been.
At the moment I have suggested things that he can do such as the counselling but I feel like I am instigating everything! I have now got to the point where I've told him to move back home, he can't use my car and I have control of his finances. I don't have a clue what else to do! He claims he's going to counselling next week and really doesn't want to leave my house but I think that if I don't change something in his lifestyle he won't realise he has no money and no car! He still doesn't understand this.
I really do want to support him and hope he gets through it but I don't know how else to deal with it! He hasn't been bailed out this time either, I've said he needs to pay everything off himself, under my complete control.
What hurts the most is that it's ruined all the plan we 'had' and the lies he's told.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Confused and tired!
Hello there,
Welcome to the Forum.
I am sorry to hear that you find yourself in this situation but it sounds like you are finally beginning to put some rules into place and you are asking your boyfriend to take full responsibility. Be kind to yourself and understand that gamblers know how to hide their addiction very well, even from themselves. Your boyfriend is not in a place where he can admit that he has a problem because perhaps it is a very difficult reality to face up to. It can take sometime before he fully recognises that he has a problem and asks for help himself. Until then, you need to protect yourself from his gambling. Although he is saying he is going to have counselling it sounds like that this is in response to you asking him to leave the house and take responsibility for himself, which does not mean necessarily that he is ready to get help. Please, read the information we have on this website on gambling addiction which would help you understand things a bit better. You have taken a step forward by giving him the responsibility and there is no reason for you to feel bad about it. He is able to look after himself and it sounds like he has been relaying on you and your family so far for that, so this would be a positive change.
If you are struggling to deal with this emotionally, GamCare provides advice over the phone and can refer you to face to face counselling, which is free of charge. You can get in touch and speak to an advisor either by phoning 0808 8020 133 or through the Netline by visiting this link:
http://secure.gamcare.org.uk/netline
We're open from 8am until midnight, 7 days a week.
I hope you get some more replies to your post but you can also engage with other members yourself.
Best wishes,
forumadmin
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