DMP

Hi there,

I wouldn't think so, unless you have anything jointed financially, but it would be best to check with a financial advice service like

http://www.adviceuk.org.uk

Best wishes,

Forum admin

How are you doing, Katie?

I 'm v tearful at moment. Someone suggested that I take time off work but actually I need the opposite - a few weeks off the gambling to focus on work and clear the backlog.

BW,

CW

Hi CW,

I'm having a better week thank you for asking. My job has kept me sane, it's the 6 week holiday that I'm dreading! I've had tearful times, loads infact. My close friends that know all the details are amazed at how I appear to be coping- little do they know that my alchol consumption has probably doubled! I have good days and bad. Still hate my weekends, always best to be busy. I too get consumed by it all and crave a day when my head isn't full with it. Even when I'm shopping, driving, trying to sleep- there's just no escape. Sorry, I'm not helping am I?! I think you're right to keep working, just some normality is welcome. I think the tears are probably a necessary stage we have to go through. I hope you feel brighter soon.

Hi, Katie,

Sorry for being slow to reply.

Things are a bit easier, GA is producing some improvement, so I don't know why I'm chronically tearful. Our family are doing better than most but it's still horrific and I don't know how to forgive him or if I do, what example of marriage am I setting for the children? That they should stay married regardless of the CG's abuse? That him having lived the lie all this time doesn't matter? And he's not optimistic that we can get over it, either.

Not very helpful. How was your weekend and are things any better for you?

Best,

CW

Hi CW

just had another awful weekend, more tears. I feel like he's stolen my life. I'm talking to a solicitor later today about divorce- something which I don't want but have no choice. He is not committed to recovery and if I don't financially separate myself I risk loosing my home. How did this happen to me? He talks about leaving the home but I can't face telling our girls. I don't want to break up our home but I can't see any alternative. I need to keep a roof over our heads.

I think forgiveness could come in time but it's early days for you. I could move on from it if he got help because I can see that he has been consumed by the addiction but he's not able to and I can't stand by any longer almost allowing him to do it. I told his family against his will and now he refuses to talk to them. The whole thing is such a mess and I don't know what to do.

For what it's worth I think you are showing your children your strength at dealing with it all.

Hi, Katie,

I'm sorry, it's horrible. And I can fully relate to you thinking that he's stolen your life, I think that too. It's because of the length of time that they've been living the lie. I thought that as a decent wife I was putting up with the ups and downs of married life, now I realise that I was placating addiction. He's short changed me financially and emotionally all these years. Financially the damage could be worse, the debt is manageable for us but that's only because he's drained my inheritance from my hard working father.

There's a sense of needing permission to break up the family because we're supposed to put the children first but the CGs have done the damage, not us. It's not the wrong choice to say that enough is enough and I think that your girls will understand your reasons if it comes to it. At your stage, it would be the best protection for you.

Also, are we supposed to show the kids that once the ring's on, anything goes? My eldest has already said that we shouldn't stay together for the sake of it, which is a move from saying that he'd rather lose his savings than have us divorce.

And yet it's huge to divorce because does that mean that all those years committed to him are wasted?

Don't think I'm helping much but it's a nightmare.

Have a better day,

CW

Hi CW,

i have had a better day thanks- due to being at work! How about you?

Im thinking of my impending divorce as a necessity. We both still love each other which is what makes it so tragic. It's for my security and that's it. I just hope our girls don't think I'm abandoning him. I do feel cheated all these years, but not wasted. I almost feel he needs to feel the reality of his situation in order to recover, if that makes sense?

I hope you're okay.

Hi Katiecola

You and I are in the same boat, at the early stages of going down the divorce route. I went to see my solicitor last week and she has now drafted the letter and the divorce papers etc. It was quite a surreal experience, business as usual for the solicitor I guess but a life changing moment for me which has taken me around 2 years to make a decision on. Like you, I have no option. I asked my husband whether he had been gambling recently and his answer spoke volumes to me. He said "No, I've got no money". Not "No I don't want to do that any more", or "No, I want to stop", but that he has no money.

Interestingly, I can finally feel myself starting to accept my situation. You may have heard of the typical phases that people go through when they grieve. I have been at the 'depressed' stage for quite a while but I can start to feel a glint of my accepting my new reality. It's true that it only takes time, no matter how bad things seem they do pass. I hope you start to feel a glimmer of hope too.

CW - thanks for asking after me on another post. I think you sound like a very sorted, strong person. Take care x

Hi, Katie,

I'm not too bad, thanks, but v jaded and fed up with it all. I thought that I could see marginal improvement but my eldest can't. Am worried because it would be easier in one sense to see it through and come out the other side but I just don't know if I can or if I should. There's still nothing much to love or admire in him as he is now, I can't in all honesty say that we love each other. He's still v closed, probably resigned to it not working out. I want to be able to love and forgive him, it would have been so much easier three years ago but that last three years of lies and denials have killed it for me. I loved what he was but now? Not really. Unless GA perform a miracle.

Hope you do better.

CW

Sorry, Orchid, just seen your post. I'm glad you're coming to terms with it. Thanks for your kind words - perhaps I am stronger than I think. We all are - anyone involved with a CG needs to be.

Best wishes,

CW

It is surreal on the other side of the Solicitor's desk.

Hey CW - you know what...? That's one thing I have been thinking recently. We ARE stronger than we think. Despite everything, I have managed to not only keep a job down over the past couple of years but make a success of myself and be promoted. Despite everything, I have acually managed to get up in the mornings and act as 'normal' as I possibly could. I would never have thought I would have had the strength to do that, but somehow we manage to. I am sure that you are/can too.

Keep strong for you and your kids x

Hi ladies,

you're right. I could never have imagined this outcome in my life but I too have managed to plaster a smile on my face at work (nearly every day!) I can't see that glimmer yet but I am determined that I will one day. Thanks ladies.

Thanks, Orchid, you're quite right and you've made me feel better.

Funny what a difference a day makes….After starting to feel a little more positive the last few days, I am feeling pretty down again today. My husband received the divorce papers yesterday and he has turned it all around onto me and how sad he is. Not in a ‘nasty’ way – he genuinely believes it.

The thing is (and I am not proud of this), I ended up having an affair with someone and my husband is saying that he is sad I didn’t think more of him when I did what I did and that he would have recovered from his gambling if I didn’t do what I did. He says that I just hurt him too much.

I am completely aware of the fact that I too played my role in our marriage breaking down, but I know that what I did was due to me being unhappy in my relationship (caused solely by his gambling – apart from that, he is a great, kind guy). Only someone that has been down that path knows how it feels to be married to a CG – it can be a lonely, frustrating place. Not that that’s an excuse, I just wish that I didn’t do what I did so that I could walk away with my head held high, knowing that it was not my fault.

One part of me is blaming myself for what has happened; the other half is trying to talk some sense to myself thinking about everything that I did try and that this is typical addict behavior looking to blame someone else, rather than take responsibility for his actions. My husband had been gambling for about 10 years before I had the affair so surely that shows him continuing to gamble was not my ‘fault’? Is this just evidence that he is still in denial?

I am just sad as I think it’ll always be in the back of my mind that I had a role to play in him not being able to stop, and I think that’s what he will always believe.