Does counseling work?

Thanks for your thoughts. ldriver, for me, it's not the hard road but the only road. When I lie in bed at night, I wish he was there too, but I know that it's better this way. Last night he said that it was better for me to have it this way. When I said to him to look at how much he had grown the last few weeks, and that it was actually better for him too, he agreed. He's trying to get his whole life back in order now (slowly). He says that he will never go back before, he always thought he could. But that he realises now he has to face up to the actual problem and the full extent of it and the reasons behind why he gambled. He knows what they are, but through counseling he needs to face them. Which is courageous and I hope and pray that he is able to deal with things and change his mind-set.

JC1979, it was the hardest thing to do to get him to leave. Friday before I moved him out (Tuesday) he begged that we stay and that we can fight this, he only admitted to half of it. When I suspected there was more, I knew that he would never recover while living there, that he had put a patch on things before but you can't fix something like this with a patch, you need to start from the very start and face up to the whole truth, which is what i really thought he should do. I called his parents, they already knew he gambled, though he had told them that he had quit, I told them that I was asking him to leave and asked if he could stay there. I knew that if I talked about it with him, my resolve would crumble. I love/d him but knew that we could never have a healthy relationship unless the whole problem was examined. If we just keep putting patches and not facing the extent of things I think this will always lead back to gambling. Even now, he says that he is never going back. I need to prepare myself for the chance that he might, this is a disease, you can't ever make it go away.

JC1979, I will pray that you make the right decision, one thing all of this has done is lead me to the conclusion (again) that there is something bigger than this and that we don't need to worry about everything but just everyday pray and say, this is bigger than me, give me today what i need to handle and deal with this in the best way. It helps me, so give it a go, only if you would like.

I'm still struggling to think that I trust him, I know that I just don't at this stage. I still wonder if there is more to tell me and kind of brace myself for realisations, truths evolving or when I here I story I think, I wonder if that's true? Most silly thing today, I went to the shops and I was so sad because I was buying things just for myself and not for he and I. I miss his company so much, I know that he is my best friend and he values me, but I am really still unconvinced about if I can ever learn to trust him again. I figure that can only be with time.

I wish I was going to counseling this week, but it's not until next week and I've really tried to make myself do uni work this week, so hard to concentrate, my mind is everywhere. I miss him so and know that he is hurting too, which sometimes makes me even sadder. Then I think, that I don't want to be rescuer/nor can I be, but it still doesn't take away the fact that I feel sad for him. I guess that's natural if you love someone. I realise that I have been socially isolating myself and I need to do something about that, but have too much uni on this week.

He read me some of his diary last night and he said that he is still keeping his book of receipts. He is going to GA tonight, so that's good, and will go on Sunday as is working Saturday. He says that he is really enjoying the groups and knows that and that he knows that he can be positive influence on others in the group. There was a new person at a group that he went to for the first time on Sunday and he really felt that the he was looking up to him, saying 'it must have been months since you gambled,' I know this would have happened and I know what he is like because he is so good with people and is an absolute natural leader. Which, when combined with the fact, that he is also a rescuer makes him quite suseptible to helping others when he is the one needing help himself. He said after telling me that story that he knows he is not trying to be the rescuer but it comes to naturally to him, i think he still needs to question his real motives on this. He talks about one day lobbying governments about the gambling problem here, that it is a hidden disease that needs to be brought into light. He says that he thinks he will end up publicly speaking about these issues, a very brave thing. I am pleased he is looking forward and know that he is not rushing things, cause he's not that sort of person far too chilled!

I wonder how to move on at this stage? I miss him and just don't know if i'm throwing my future away if I am with him, or throwing my future away, if i'm not with him? He's honestly the closest to someone i've ever been. Never before have I been so honest, forthcoming about my weaknesses. Kind of ironic, since he was not honest with me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in denial about the honesty too. I wonder if I'm just denying to myself that he lied to me? How do we know that we are actually being aware of what happened and not glazing over it in our minds? It's hard the balance between realism/hope/betrayl/our real purpose in life.

How does someone deal with the fact that it could happen again at any point? Any time? The lies could start all over, that feeling of unease? Getting stressed without really knowing why... How do you learn to live with that?

I think this sounds harsh in my head, is it a trade-off, knowing that they could do it again for what they are to you and how they treat you? (That sounds so love-less, but if it were up to just following our hearts, we'd never face up to this stuff, I wonder?)

hey fourleafclover, I know I'm on the other side of the fence but you cant keep thinking what ifs. I could say what if you end up having the happiest possible life you could dream of with him. it works both ways, we cant live our lives thinking about what ifs. Live for today and plan for tomorrow. when you have your thoughts, just think can I change them are they in my control? WE cant control everything in our lives as mush as we all want to. But learn to accept what we have and we can only try to be the person we want to be. If he's really making the effort things will work out, there are millions of us compulsive gamblers out there and we can all live happy lives again. Its not all doom and gloom. I'm using a book at the moment called "the language of letting go" its a journal and meditation book its has a thought for every day of the year and you can jot your thoughts down on that day. I texted my ex this morning asking to meet up, got a reply this evening, that she is not interested in anything I have to say. Probably still in a bit of shock but its what I expected I suppose I was grasping at straws. But at least I tried doesn't stop the pain. Like I said in my diary i'll pray for her every day and hopefully god will answer my prayers and wrap his arms around her and help her to happiness. Keep the faith fourleaf and try not to be rushing things. This will make you stronger and happier in yourself.

Thanks ldriver, you're right about it not being all doom and gloom. It's all about taking small steps. Sometimes, it's difficult to trust God with things and to try to take them back so that we control them, but God is in control of everything. We don't need to doubt his forgiveness or love, either, I guess.

He went to GA last night. Said it was a different vibe. Think he is happy to be going, that he feels at home there.

Hi FLC

Sorry to come in on the end of your threadbut you started by asking does counselling work? My retort to that is does the person want it to work. I have been in counselling on and off for years and just played the game. Just before Xmas I got real and yes it is now working.

Take care

Steve E

Thanks Steve E, it always helps to know that counseling does work! I hope that he is facing up to everything. Wish so much that I had counseling this week. I hope that he is able to really change for the better. I still don't know what is going to happen in our future. At the moment I am so thankful to his friendship to me. It's amazing how good a friend he is being and I truly value that in him. Not jumping in to anything serious with him though, still at this stage. Things are still so up in the air and it's only been such a short time. But everyday is another day.

Today he suggested that we visit a couple of places so that he can self-exclude. He said he's a bit nervous about it. I'm really proud of him for doing it. I suggested that we go to one where I live (and he used to be at - where I caught him) and he is worried that the guy is going to be a 'smart a**', sure he hasn't gone back there, because it's too far from where he lives now, there's a place to gamble on every street corner, so he wouldn't have come out all this way (since then) and he says he hasn't gambled (and seems to have more money, it's kind of weird to know him with money, he always seemed to be lacking and not able to buy even food or a drink).

So, he is 'officially' self excluded. His photo will be in every TAB, Casino, Keno place and they will be fined if he does gamble. He was quite emotional in the place and spoke a lot of the 'smell', 'noise' and all of the feelings it brought back. Being at home, knowing where everything was, the guilt and the shame as well. He's doing so well. He really wants me to trust him again, but I just can't do that yet. How can you just turn on trust? In any relationship it takes time, let alone one that has had the trust broken. I do miss and love him. I am thankful for knowing him. I was happy to support him today.

I guess the gambling thing has taken a back seat this week with other worries of life. I am going to counseling tomorrow. I can just see how time and time again. I put myself into that drama triangle. Sometimes, I think i even do it at work (actually more than sometimes). I just wish i knew a way to stop it.

He says I keep pushing him away at the moment (because of the other stuff), that people love me and that I just have to let them love me. It's a phrase I've heard before. When I get worried/anxious/stressed about things. i avoid people and or situations and they keep getting mad at me because i just can't deal with them as I would like. Not even sure if that makes sense. I would like to let them help me, but at the same time, it feels like i have to do it their way. if that makes sense. how can i do it their way? i can't? i have to do it my way. everything else is stressing me to the point of oblivion, and I think perhaps it's also an outlet for me to express how hurt and scared I am over the gambling thing.

The other night when we spoke on the phone he was telling me part of the talk that he would like to give to other problem gamblers/teenagers/etc... down the track, his background is in this field so it seems quite natural for him to want to 'teach others' about what's happened to him, when he's doing better. He says it's been 31 days. I hope that's true. I called him last night, after we had finished talking as I had a bad feeling and he said that he was just doing quizes on face book and that it came up with an ad about poker. He said he didn't click on it and that it just came up (i believe that it just came up) just hoping he didn't click on it. I spoke to him about a filter for gambling sites and he was keen to add it, he was also keen that I add it so that only I know the password if he wants to disable it.

Last night we were talking and i said i still didn't know if i trusted him, he wrote down his bank account details and said that he's got nothing to hide. He knows why he's gambled (low self -esteem, childhood issues, other addictions in the family, self-destructive etc... etc...) and that he 'can't go back to it.' he doesn't want to, that's it has destroyed so much of his life. He's reading the Bible and we're doing Bible studies together which focus on hope at the moment. In one of the psalms we read David was praying because he was glorifying God, but didn't want his enemies to win, so he was scared, but he still came back and glorified God. It's o.k. to be scared. I also need to remember to thank God for all of his blessings. This situation now with him and I could not be, if it weren't for him coming into the situation. I feel like we're moving forward. But at the same time, I don't want to get too hopeful, because time and time again you hear of people busting.

Going to GamAnon has been good to hear the perspective that people do bust and that other people have their trust broken. It gives me perspective that it may happen with him again. I just wish I could know if it did. There's just no way of telling if he's lying about it - comes down to the trust issue, i guess. I'm not saying it's impossible, just expressing my feelings that it's so difficult. You don't want to get your hopes up and have them dashed. So I guess it comes back to that balance between hoping for the best (but preparing yourself for the worst).

Now that other things in life have been sorted, I can relax a bit! Have not been focussing on this issue the last couple of days.

Went to counseling, man, that's hard stuff... finding out all different things about yourself and finding out that the way that you are doing things is not working. i am so thankful that it's free as well... not that i couldn't afford to pay for it, but that it's obviously a blessing, because i want to be able to have healthy relationships.

The counselor gave me some literature about how to set appropriate boundaries, but it said that you need to understand why things weren't working before you can move forward. I don't think i'm at that point yet. I wish I could draw the conclusions together and work things out, but i am failing miserably at that! I need some direction about the loose ends that i can see that make me me and how they relate and how i can change things.

i do feel more empowered now, and do feel as though some things i'm doing better in my life. Right now i need to resolve to enjoy the difficult journey and believe that it's leading me in the right direction.

The counselor kept asking me to figure out where my suppressed feelings went? When I was angry as a kid, where did those feelings go? I have no idea....

I have been given an extension for one of my assignments at uni, so that's given me some breathing space for this assignment only thing is that it kind of has taken over time for the next assignment. So am going to try to get everything done reasonably early anyway.

We're still in contact with each other. Seeing him tomorrow. Feels so long away, three days without seeing each other, it's hard when you're used to seeing them everyday. I've missed him a lot this week.l I miss his company. He's been doing well, says it's 35 days since he's last bet. He's working out why he's been betting. He's writing in a diary every day which seems to be helping. He read over it the other day to me. So sad, it was hard hearing about the first few days after I packed up his stuff.

The counselor said that it might be possible for us to have a relationship again that would last if we both want to move forward from the drama triangle. If we are both willing and wanting to not have that anymore. It may be possible to move forward. Will see, i guess, i liked hearing that cause i would like to know there may be a future.

He's going to uni today to meet with the Deans to see if it is possible to go back to uni etc... it may not work out, but that's o.k. there'll be another avenue.

it's been a few days, i can't believe it. when i first found out about this, i had to check on here all the time and i was really trying to write every day. to be honest, the reason that i haven't is because i have been stuck in front of a computer typing an assignment for days on end. a simple assignment but... i just can't seem to get my head around things like i used to... maybe it's a sign of getting older?

saw my doctor and counselor this week. talked to the doctor about my anxiety and i am having a blood test for my vitamin levels to see how things are... he seems to think that medication (anti-depressants) may be appropriate. i think my counselor thinks that my anxiety is because i have not learnt to deal with issues, i suppress emotions and have not developed emotionally to be able to deal with things. that i am the role of the youngest child, the baby, that needs someone else to care for them. i'm not even sure that makes sense. but it was one of the reasons i was attracted to him because he was a 'rescuer' by nature and offered me protection and safe-guarding... interesting... in that he was the one who hurt me so... sometimes i feel like i have forgiven him then sometimes i get really hurt and want to tell him just how much he hurt me. lying and stealing from me... how can you hold your head up high after that? i know that he is forgiven and that it is a disease i guess i just feel hurt, how could he do that to me??? i think i should forgive him of that, but am finding it difficult.... what is forgiveness? letting go... saying they don't owe you? how can i feel like i forgive then the next second feel upset that he still 'owes' me??? i want to forgive him. i want to let go of the hurt. i want to remember what has done so as to be aware in the future, but i don't want to carry the burden of not forgiving him.

Today uni has been doing my head in... but that's a good thing cause i'm focusing on things that i should be rather than on things i shouldn't. we had a long talk last night about our childhoods and how they impact and influence us today.... how i'm expecting him to act in certain ways cause that's what's always happened in the past for me... people change but only for a bit.... i just don't know how to change myself.. starting to notice that i'm on a bit of a dead-end feel with this one... i see i should change and then just can't.... i just can't leave the past behind. i now realise some of the issues that i have been carrying around with me like a suitcase everywhere i go.. making drama for myself and everybody around - feeling responsible for things (e.g. the drama, when someone can't be drawn in without their permission) feeling guilty for being responsible..... feeling like a victim, because deep down i suspect i'm not responsible, even though i've been told that my whole life... how do you break free from these feelings? i feel like i'm going to make him treat me badly because that is so what i'm used to. how do you live life without drama... if i'm not feeling dramatic about something there'll be something else that i make up.... i'm not sure that even make sense. but i guess i mean that if life isn't dramatic, i envoke and create drama. he says it's 43 days... we're communicating really well still. i'm happy, sometimes i doubt him, at gam anon that seems like a theme so i feel like i'm not alone like that. but at the same time i feel guilty for not believing him, justified in my non-belief, satisfied that it means drama that i don't believe him, horrible because i don't want to create drama, confused cause i'm not sure if i'm creating drama or understanding things as they should, then i remember that my whole life i've been framed to (and thus) do not trust my own actions as everything i do has to be okayed by everyone else, but then i remember that i only have to answer to me... and what i really want or think about believing him.

He says he is 46 days in... our relationship has improved so much. I had no idea it would be this good. However... I still feel like at any moment he could bet again. He said the other day if he had a Saturday where I couldn't hang out with him he'd go to the movies by himself... that had me worried and I said that, going to the movies is surely very easy to fake.. just get a ticket stump from someone else even, you don't have to even buy it... then you've got a good couple of hours you're not accounted for... he loves movies so i feel a bit cr** for having said that. He said that it was a fair enough call that I thought movies by himself was not good and we moved on in the conversation...

I'm feeling more accepted at the GamAnon group.. I know it might sound silly but at first I felt like they were judging me for throwing him out.. like why are you here? You're not even sure you want a relationship with him? You've thrown him out, you don't have to deal with it every day like we do.... I honestly don't think the thoughts that were coming from me... maybe they just didn't know me and i was over-reacting. They're a really nice bunch and don't judge which is really helpful..