Does counseling work?

At the moment, i'm learning to manage. To realise that not every disaster is going to lead me to break. I can be strong. Yes I feel pain and angst, regret etc... But, in no way do I need to go to pieces if a bad thing happens or a drama. I am sick of every little thing being a drama. In my own life it feels like it's like that each day. But, it's only because i see it that way, as a problem, when really i should be sticking up for myself so things don't need to effect me. Had a horrible day at work last week.. It still upset me today until I realised that I didn't need to come to pieces over it. I didn't need to let it effect me. I didn't need to be dramatic over it. I don't even need to return to that place anymore if I choose not to (as it's not my place of full time work that I will return to in November).

I had decided a while ago to try and write on here everyday. Funnily enough, I've fogotten a lot of days, because things are going fine. It's 87 days today, i think. I am really keen to know more about gambling prevention and education in schools. i' want to know so much about this stuff. have been researching and researching and only just coming to understanding about some of the consequences. With smoking education we can show a picture of lungs killed by smoke, with gambling education can we show a picture of the consequences as easily? It's difficult to detect and it's something that effects so many people. If 4% of the population gamble excessively (some studies more, some suggest less) and up to 10 people are effected by a compulsive or excessive gambler.... we start adding up the maths... to more and more people. If we believe in medicine prevention and better than cure and we see gambling as a disease and we are fairly certain drug and alcohol awareness programs in youth can be effective, why are we not addressing this more? (Leaving soap box now, just had to get that out). He's doing so well. I'm super proud of him.

91 days today, so happy. he's keeping his journal, has a diary of all of his receipts, we're going to go to a counseling together. the two of us. i guess i think things are going well. am busy with so much study at the moment. i just wish i knew he would never bet again. but you can never know that. am i crazy for thinking that he has stopped? or do some people truly recover? i feel fine then every now and again the doubts creep in... then i feel fine again.

it's 94 days today. a good thing. he says it's like something has changed in his brain. he's started uni officially today as well as working so that'll keep him busy i'm sure! at the moment things are going fine. i hope they stay like that. i'm learning to hate drama!

Had some tests done today. He insisted on coming and being by my side, taking time off work. Which was so nice to know this side of him, charming and caring. He is so excited about everything to do with uni and how much his life has changed now. he's able to fully live his life and work hard for things and actually get them - they are achievable. which is exciting for him. realising that there are sacrifices too, we can discuss things rationally and take time to come back and solve conflict if we need to. i can see when he is acting like a child and don't buy into it. he can see when i'm being distraught over small things and need time to reflect and see it from his perspective. a friend once said to me that the strength of a relationship is how you solve conflict. i was thinking about that tonight as we were discussing something and both had different view points (whether he should renew his soccer membership and if giving up buying coffee would account for the cost of it). it was a good conversation and one in which we are both still undecided as to who is right. Clearly I think I am :)) but isn't that they point of an 'argument?' but we'll see what happens. he is happy for me to get the house in my name so he can't touch it. which is a good thing. i love and cherish him and just pray that this continues like this every day. cause he is special and i do appreciate him and he is my best friend. he's making a pro-longed commitment to G.A. and church and we're pretty much finished our counseling except to go together. i'm hoping it stays like this and i hope that he continues to grow as a person. On the flip side, i'm getting really interested in gambling education and what we can do to prevent this in other people so that the 10 extra people affected are not affected as much.

97 days today. Getting closer to 100, which is his personal target, but one day at a time. I guess every now and again I get scared that he could go back. He's keeping pretty busy with uni and work, so doesn't have much time and says that he doesn't desire to gamble again at all. he doesn't miss it because it destroyed so much of him. is that an o.k. thing to think?

Hello fourleafedclover!

My son has said exactly the same thing to me and just like you I've found it hard to rejoice and see it as the end!

It would be wonderful to believe that it was. I'm sure after some time - the desire fades, and after a really long time it becomes an almost forgotten habit. I have heard though that its just at that moment that a voice can come through saying - its ok now, you've cracked it - one bet won't hurt now.

I know - I took up smoking again after nine years of giving up. I suppose all addicts have to be vigilant that temptation will be there from time to time and what giving in to that temptation will mean. I went on to smoke for four more years before I gave up again.

Fantastic that he's got this far and feels good about himself. Like you said - one day at a time.

Hi Lydia,

Thanks for understanding! I guess the one positive is that he says he knows he has to be vigilant all of the time and that he can't go back. He has to go to GA for the rest of his life. Which is a big thing to say! He also knows that I support him in that.

Another thing that we've done a few times is 'practiced' him calling me up or speaking to me as if he had been tempted to bet. We practice what he would say and what i would say. Every now and again, it feels really real when we do it. Also, it helped so much when he was tempted a few months ago, because he knew what I would say.

We also practice if he says to me that he doesn't want to go to GA what I would say and what he would say back. It's been a good help too.

I wonder if there are any other techniques that people use that are helpful?

I am thankful so much to sites like this. A chance to be able to say things in an environment and not be judged because this is a place where people understand the lies, hurt, pain, tears, fear and mistrust. I love him and it still hurts, sometimes I don't think he realises how much it hurts and scares me. I'm so scared he'll go back. It's been 100 and something days and I'm so proud of him at the same time. He's really trying hard and he is not the same person. He's all the good bits put together now. We still disagree and fight, but we can resolve things like never before. I think having counseling has been the key to that.

Hi Fourleafclover, you've worked hard at your recovery, and by the sounds of it so has your b/f. The hurt and the fear you talk of, you'll find a way of dealing with it, so it becomes managable. I still have my moments when I become consumed by them, perhaps not as intensely as before, but I'm learning to deal with them and let them go.

I do keep an eye on your diary, you've come so far. 🙂 I wish you well on your continued journey. You are in charge of your destiny. Love Ostrich x

Thanks Ostrich, it's so nice to get encouragement and know that the feelings subside. Today I caught myself, as he had the day off to get uni work done and was going for a break to the park and I asked him if he was taking his wallet, he said nope, there's no need and then rung me when he was there, i felt as though i could trust him without having to think and go over and over it in my head, being afraid. it's amazing now to think of the 'gifts' that have been given to me through the addiction, the chance for me to go to counseling, i am so much a better person for it. the chance to work the program of gam-anon, the chance to improve the communication between us - out of sight. we talk about everything and know that he love me for who i am - there's nothing i need to hide from him. what a relief - i hope he feels the same. i will have to ask.

his first uni assignments are due soon and he's doing so well with them - i'm a little impressed with the quality of work. he's truly a talented writer. i hope that he continues to use his talents and be the person he is destined to be.

we both missed our meeting on sunday night because of my family circumstances. i was happy that he had gone to a meeting on wednesday night because that meant he was still able to get to a meeting this week. we talked and talked about if we should 'miss' the meeting, but, in the end, we pretty much had to choose not to go. It was sad that we missed the meeting, but, necessary.

he's still doing well. it's hard at the moment, as we have a lotto on to win a record amount, so advertisement's are everywhere. which is particularly annoying as it just shows how endemic this is, morning shows are broadcasting that, "you only have hours left to get a ticket", posters are everywhere and i'm SICK of it. i'm also pretty touchy on this as I know a few people have asked him at his work if he wants to 'join in' with them. he said he wasn't tempted, but, at one point, for a second or so, he was sad to realise that he would never 'have the chance' to win, he then said, he doesn't have the chance anyway. but, still it feels a bit scary that he thought about it, in a way. i then talked about how proud of him i was and asked what he did when he had the thought. he said he didn't really do much, because it was just fleeting and he brushed it out of his mind.

i guess what we just have to realise is that it's one day at a time and sometimes it feels sick that we cant' do more than that. but that's how we have to take life, full stop anyway.

I have so many thoughts running through my head. He has not gambled - that I know of, he is still banned, so that makes me feel better. But, I am still finding it hard to trust him. I guess the whole first part of our relationship had so many lies and I know he is trying really hard to make it up so that I can trust him again. He gets really emotional when we talk about things and I ask him what really happened. I ask because I want to know the truth about things, but am I just opening up a wound? I don't know how to think about this one... Is by asking, making things worse, not focusing on the positive? not looking at what he has done, but focusing on the past when it was almost like he was another person. or should i ask, because i want to know about things that he has told me and what the real truth is? i guess i get scared if we fight he might be tempted again too, even though he has always said he is not and that he hates it. i guess as well, if you've been hiding your feelings for so long behind an addiction, dealing with pain is really hard, because you have to actually face it.

I'm so proud of him at the moment. His work has stuffed up their pays and is paying them all late. He knew that he had money in his savings account so has transferred it over and won't have to borrow money from anyone else to get him through this week. He should be paid by tomorrow. We are going to go through his bank statements online on the weekend, just so I can see how he has transferred the money and his pay and everything so that it's all legit. He felt so proud he had his money to use and that he didn't have to worry, he could just transfer and leave it at that. I'm proud, plus he did his first uni exam this morning and passed with flying colours. things that i think he could only have dreamt about are now coming true. things he would have said he would do but never got around to or made up excuses. he now does because he is 'doing' things. he is also really happy because his brother said that he really knows he will do it this time - his brother and him don't catch up much, but i know that news will make his week, to think that his brother believes in him is exactly the boost he needs at the moment, i think.

things are still going well enough. it's 20 weeks today. which he is so proud. everything in life has changed so much. we are looking at our future and trying to work out what we can afford etc... and have real plans. life feels so different. still sometimes i wander and worry. he spoke about how i feel at his GA meeting this week and thankfully the group were supportive and said that how i felt was natural and normal and i had the 'right' the feel like that. i felt better that i wasn't being 'over the top' but sometimes i do feel upset because he doesn't have a car and has to borrow his parents and i do nearly all of the driving. which is annoying, then i get upset with myself for being upset about something that i can't change and is just part of it, then all the 'bad' things start adding up in my head and i start feeling guilty about thinking about them all. i know i just have to be patient and he will have paid back most of his debts and in a few years, finished his first, then second degree, but, i find it hard to be patient, sometimes. he is my best friend and i do love him and spending time with him. one thing that this has brought it honesty to the relationship. i am honest with him, like i have never been in a relationship, i am honest about how i feel and who i am. for that i am thankful, in ways like that, it's the relationship i've always wanted, (minus, the fear, hurt, anger, resentment, desire to control.... 🙂