Does counseling work?

I'm smiling fourleafclover! Smiling for you and your young man. You've come so far. I hope you feel the same pride in yourself, it would have so easy to just walk away when this all blew up. But you didn't, you stood and fought for yourself, which in turn has given strength to your b/f. You faced your fears. I truley wish you both the very best in life, you deserve it. Take care. You ARE in charge of your destiny. Love Ostrich x

Thanks Ostrich, truly appreciate your comment 🙂 I was a little upset at my GamAnon meeting last night. I should have bit my tongue, but I couldn't help it! When it was brought up that someone who used to attend 'let her self get pregnant' to her partner. It was frowned upon so badly. I was told to 'get out while the going is good.' I was quite upset. It's not a group to bring down gamblers is it? I think my relationship with my boyfriend is the best relationship I have ever had. Yes, I don't trust him with money, but that's one small thing that we have strategies for. Are people unlovelable because they have a disease? If we followed that theory there's not too many relationships that would be possible. I know I'd be out for something. All of my close friends that are married or in a relationship have major issues. We are all imperfect. And I hate that I feel like people in my group judge me because I choose to stay with him. Yes, I have the choice to walk away, but walk away from someone who is doing everything right? Walk away from someone who is living their life and is so excited about not having the shame to hide what they are doing? Sure, there are things that I don't like, but, how can you judge if you're not in the situation?

Still not gambling which is a great thing. We celebrated our one year together today. Ended with a horrible argument because there are still some things I worry about regarding finance. How can we ever get ahead? I just worry because he's lost so much and even though we're looking at getting a place next year and his debts paid off by the end of next year (I'm not helping him at all). We still aren't 21 anymore. There are big things in life we need to save for and make sure when we retire, if we're lucky enough to live that long, and if we go to a nursing home that we can have access to health care. If we have children, if we can afford them. I hate that talking about this with him, which I do, impedes his recovery as it is 'stressing' about money. Our lives are at conflict. How do I plan for our futures regarding money and yet not stress? It's scary how much we need to save and how little money we have 🙁

we went to couples therapy last week and the counselor pointed out that i'm trying to do the same things as him often, by keeping him at arm's length and not being vulnerable. he's doing so well, and i think we may worked though some issues, as a couple, but still so far to go. i think we both want the best and both want to take advantage of the counseling.

my friend got engaged, while it's exciting, it's also frustrating. i wish he and i were, but, because of finances (repaying debts for him) i have to wait. also, i have to wait, because i want to at this stage. on friday it will be a half a year. he still attends GA meetings and still says he has a commitment to them for the rest of his life. he's still keeping his receipts and i have his main money in my account. he knows that he will never be able to access the money from the bank. i will have all of the accounts.

i guess, where there is a will there's a way, but that kind of works both ways. he's got a will to stop, so there's a way to stop too.

his computer broke this week, another cost we could soooo do without!

i'm scared sometimes. do i really want to do this, do i really want this in the back of my mind always? does an addiction mean someone shouldn't have a relationship? if that's so, then that's a LOT Of people!

I've been avoiding this site this week, because last time i was on here i was so sad afterwards reading through everyone's stories. I got quite mad at him today because i'm upset that he spent so much of our money - our future and security. where are we going to get that from? i just feel like i don't want to be behind in the game. sometimes i think, am i with him because my self-esteem is so bad? sometimes i just wonder what life would be like if we split up. i guess as a couple we are happy. in my group tonight i was pretty down and they were good in the end at pointing out their wonderful stories ---- it is an ILLNESS and i accept that, i just am scared for our futures!

having just read he thread i feel like i have just entered the same situation as you. I have been with my partner for 4 years although we do not live together. I discovered a few days ago about the gambling and this was only because he had to go to the police and is now facing charges. i feel so let down and heart broken and wonder was our relationship a lie. i love him so much but i dont know what to do for the best- for him or me. Im finding it very hard and dont know where to turn as i can not let my parents find out about the charges if i have any chanc of staying with him- if thats what i decide. I feel the decision has been taken out of my hands and dont know where to start. I am constantly up and down like a yoyo and really dont know what to do. Any advise would be great!

HI confidential. It's a terrible situation when we first find out. I think I cried for days and days and days. I did tell my best friend because i needed to get it out. he is such a wonderful and loving person. but the main thing that i am still struggling with are the lies... oh, so so so many lies! all i can say is brace yourself. through my gam anon group - which i very much recommend if you are able to get to one, i've never heard of anyone that gambles that didn't lie. we are slowly rebuilding things and trust, but it's a SLLLLOOOOOWWW process. i know of couples that have stayed together through it all, while their partner has gone to jail and used the opportunity to grow. i am a better person for dealing with this. still every day or now and then i think i'd be so much better off if i didn't have to deal with it.

My advice in short (ish):

1) Read as much as you can, it's a disease and can never be cured, but can be arrested

2) Find out about counseling, scary and felt like an idiot for going, but we both went separately for free and now we're going together. Make sure you feel comfortable with the counselor.

3) Take over the finances - at the moment, he has his accounts and i log in and check and know EVERYTHING about each part of his money, he keeps receipts and staples them into a book to show what he has bought. he pays board to his parents and they sign a receipt book.

4) Expect to feel like a roller-coaster (it's normal), expect to feel anxious, scared, confused, empowerd...

5) The best thing I did was pray, doesn't matter who to or anything, get it out, and let yourself cry!

6) See if there's a GA/Gam Anon group that you can go to and go together

7) Write and keep a diary on here.

8) You make your choice for you, everyone said to me, you won't be able to decide for months, i still feel like i haven't completely decided sometimes and i need to remind myself that's o.k.

9) Good luck, and know that you are not alone, unfortunately there are far too many of us that understand where you are coming from!

we had some big talks on the weekend. he is going to start working on his self esteem and start to really work the program, get a sponsor etc.... he hasn't gambled but for a few weeks i've felt like things were slipping a bit in terms of dealing with stuff. we had it out on the weekend and he's going to ask around for a sponsor and book some more counseling and we're going to read some books about self esteem. it just feels like the next stage in properly dealing with this illness... actually starting to heal some of the emotional hurt.

Meeting again tonight. Sometimes I feel like the people there are a support, sometimes I feel like they let you down. It's weird kind of like even those married to people believe that they wouldn't stay with their partner if I had the choice to leave... like I do.... but i actually wonder.. would they really? I actually think not. I think they stayed now, they'd stay then. if someone develops an illness before you are married as opposed to after, do you not stay with them because it happened before you said your vows? if someone knows they are sick and is 'taking their medicine' in that, they go to counseling and attend meetings at least weekly for GA and have a meeting with you each night informally would you walk away? If they are doing everything they can to prove that you can trust them? If they acknowledge that they 'owe you' truth more than anyone else. that you have strategies so that any money or assets are in your name only, that you are going to both order regular credit checks online each month to see that they haven't applied for credit. that their close friends know because they have told them and you have talked through strategies to dealing with urges that you have roll played phone conversations and each day they know that it's one day at a time... would walking away be so easy?

I have real friends. I am so lucky. Last night two of my best friends and i had a girls night. They know about the gambling and what they had to say was that we are all flawed. They know what he is doing to work on his problems and that gambling does not make him un lovelable. They are the most supportive friends I could ever hope for. I am truly blessed. They know him and think he is a great guy and when I said that some people in my gam-anon group feel afraid of telling their close friends because of the stigma. My friends turned around and said that everyone has issues and keeping it a secret is making the stigma worse, if we treat it like normal, like we have all done the wrong thing and who are they to judge then the stigma is broken. I am truly blessed.

I just want to thank you for posting your thoughts and feelings. You're strength is truly inspiring.

Thanks Cameo77, I feel sometimes like I'm writing into a giant void, but I guess, that's the point, to get things out and record my feelings, I hope that every now and again someone can relate, but it's a pretty long thread, so i'm not so sure if too many people would read all the way through! It's been 30 weeks. with soooo many challenges and trials. This morning he was in tears realising that we would be so much further along in our lives if he hadn't of gambled, but it's no good looking back. These things have happened. I think for ages I felt resentful and I really had to work work work through it. I miss so many things about having him close. but we are working towards the goal of getting our own place. he is doing his uni and we are working through our lives. He had a work function at a hotel this week.... was scary, but we talked about it, he left me his wallet and I checked his pockets, before he left that day. Then that night I met him there after walking through the gaming areas just to make myself feel better. i know this might offend but i hate gambling. have always disliked it, hated it, how much damage does it cause? what good does it bring?

Hi FLC

I follow your recordings every time you write something. You may be better to write up in the diary section and you will get some responses. Sounds like you are moving forward albeit slowly. However we do have a lifetime to perfect this.

Take care

Steve E

Thanks Stevey, I guess I'm mainly writing on here at the moment to clear my head. I'm feeling angry at him because we are saving for a house whenever we talk about finances (he is still doing everything right as far as I know) it really upsets me that I can save so much more quickly than him because I'm not paying back all of the debts he has. He lost his house so we are buying one. Well I am putting it in my name and we won't be sharing a room until we get married, so we will not be living together officially as a couple. For the total amount saved we are hoping for me to have 75% and him 25% considering he is paying back all his bills and has less to live on a week than I do we will be drawing up documents to say how much of a percentage each person would get if we sold the house. Also, when we move in he will be getting his pay into my account and I will transfer money into an account for him. I worry about two things, if he borrows money or if he sells my things. As he is not gambling I hope these things do not happen, but I guess they are running through the back of my mind. It's been over 200 days for him almost two thirds of a year and he's working the program. We go to counseling together, we attend GA/GAM ANON, but I guess that fear will always be there and I do resent that he can't save as much and has a LOT of bills. I am angry about that. I do wish I had more money, not for money sake but for security. I wonder if that's true and I'd actually just like more money, but I do want to have security, it is important to me and I thought when I met him, great this guy obviously has it together with money, he has a house etc... little did I know!

sometimes it's hard to trust him. like this afternoon he said he had training later than normal hours. after training was supposed to be over, he was 18 minutes late. he said he was booking a cab for the trainer etc... all plausible and i feel like i want to believe him, but it's sooo hard to trust! how can i know? i aim to be o.k. and to let go of control. yep, maybe that's it, again, i've forgotten to give over to 'my higher power.' a reminder of why step one is the hardest. i think in some ways i'll be a long time revisiting it. we're house sitting at the moment together, it's nice to spend so much time with him. i told my dad the other day, he was a lot more generous in his understanding than i expected. still it's been a nice break house sitting and allowing him space to debrief. in time, hopefully, the focus will shift to him and his personality away from 'the issue.'