Does counseling work?

getting there with the trust thing. last night he was home by himself as i had uni. it was helpful that we could talk the whole way home for him on the phone as i knew where he was to some extent, being able to here the background. i was doing some reading this morning for uni about breaking paradynamic assumptions and hegemonic assumptions and it seems to break the cycle critical reflection is integral. questioning what is the belief? E.G. gambling allows me to escape. Really: life is to difficult to deal with I am not coping I have to find a way to deal with these feelings. Where does the belief come from? Have I been conditioned to view life as too difficult for adults. Adults are unhappy and I don't want to grow up. What is incorrect in the assumption and what would be a better thought practice. My amateur take on it!!! 🙂

Hi FLC

I wish my H would admit his problem. He's the same, he just can't seem to save any money. He has lied to me. I only found out because my marriage was crashing down around my ears (still is). I confronted him about the online gambling and was everso calm and offered my support if he wanted to get any help, but no, it wasn't a problem in his eyes, he enjoys it and is interested in it. Then I get my credit report, I have been searched by a loan company as he applied for and got a personal loan at the beginning of the year which I knew nothing about. Also there was a secret loan in 2007. He is adamant that the loans are because he got himself into a mess (but not through gambling he says) yet he won't say why. Thats because it is gambling, I'm not stupid and he is in denial. Now the trust is all gone. Some one in this thread mentioned tough love. I love my H dearly and I wan't the man back that I had 14 years ago before online gambling sites. It's really hard but I am leaving him next month. Maybe thats the tough love bit. Things you start to lose, wife, house, etc. It might be his wake up call.

I wish you all the best FLC and I am so glad that your boyfriend is getting help, but don't let your guard down and trust your instincts.

Well.... it's been a while and am glad to report that all things are good. it's just been a bit tough to get online. he's almost paid of his credit card and i can't believe how fast it's happened! he's getting there with some savings and has only really one person to pay off after the credit card. thanks for your thoughts passads i too read his credit report. he will get one every few months just to prove to me he's not gambling. we still go to our meetings. i tell him it's his medicine. we're going to start looking for a house - we've saved enough and the house will be in MY name ONLY!!!! I'm not letting that get in there! It's all a bit confusing sometimes, because i think in some ways he 'owes' me... just that i can save faster because i have less bills and i don't have a child (which in the essence, i'm talking purely about the money side). we still have our arguments because i resent some of these things. i think i have to learn to forgive otherwise it's going to eat at me and if he's truly sorry and doing everything what else can he do but move forward and not look back? hmmm.... easy words, hard to remember when i'm feeling a little 'life is unfair'.... however, truly, tell me a person that doesn't think that?

fourleaveclover thank you for posting so much detail about what you have been going through. It's really inspiring.

I hope things continue to go well for you both.

I am about to start this journey with my boyfriend who has finally admitted his problem.

Thanks wee_kristy, I hope that things go well. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. I guess I still live with that fear everyday too. Sometimes the fear rears it's head, other times it lays dormant. We're still looking for a house and I guess it might be a while!! Got to find the right place. We had an argument last night and one thing he said was something I hear quite a bit from him was that he "still has some growing up to do." He sees that gambling has caused him to act more like a child. We haven't been to counseling in a while. We missed last session and the counselor was away on holidays before that, however, I kind of think we're ready to fly. Sure, we still fight and still make mistakes communicating with each other, however, it feels different, like we've kind of got relationship wise things under control, not the right words exactly, but it's something that isn't worrying me too much anymore.

Writing things down just makes the head clearer sometimes.

Well I still worry. But maybe not as much. Yesterday my Mum lost $50 in the bin (she threw it out, and did find it). But all I could think was 'please don't let it be that he took it.' I just don't know how I could ever trust him again if money went missing. Has anyone figured out how to do that? How do you balance the understanding of compulsive gambling with the realities of everyday life? It's been 295 days today. I'm so proud of where he's at. He's going to be a super star in life now, I hope. Studying, working, we're buying a house. Still need to find the right one though! Merry Christmas everyone. May things be all used for the good of getting people out of gambling at this emotional time. Sometimes this is what can cause turn arounds and I hope it does for more and more people. So people can be free from the disease that enslaving them.

I am so pleased for you both 🙂

I am the CG with a wonderful husband and I used to steal to feed this from his credit cards, what you say rang a chord.

This month one of his bills did not arrive, in the past that would have been me hiding it....................the thought never occured to him it was me felt the need to ask him about this.

That was the day I realised the trust really had come back and it was the best present I ever had.

Wishing you a happy holiday season and a good new year.

love

W xx

Wow, thanks W. Actually your story made me teary. I am so happy for you. I guess that it is possible to be able to let go that much. I hope that it comes true for me. I think I'm still scared. It hurt so much to find out he was lying to me and stealing from me. I am over that hurt, I think, but I feel stuck on the whole how can I ever trust him again? We have agreed that I can look through the history on the computer to see where he has been which helps and I can go through his phone and bank statements.

Life is a funny thing. Sometimes I wonder if I can handle a relationship with a gambler. I doubt myself and my strength. Even though it's been so many days and we go to GA and Gam-Anon and went to counseling and he says that something inside him has snapped now. It still worries me. I think because he said that he has stopped before for two years. I kind of have this figure in my head that it will feel better after two years. But that's a lot of angst in the mean time and even when/if he makes it to two years can I really let go? Thanks W for your thoughts. I hope that it can be like that for us too.

Its lovely to hear my experience touched you 🙂

Truly the trust point will come for you guys, so much work has been done already.

I think these things happen when they happen. I truly hope you can take one day at a time in your own recovery as a partner.

Naturally it will be slower for yoy as he knew well before you found out.

I wish you a peaceful New Year, in fact new decade.

Treasure the small stuff, getting stressed I have learnt solves nothing at all.

love

W x

PS I have great admiration for all the supporters it must be the hardest thing in the world

Wow! Thanks for your words W. Have been meaning to get back on here, however, it's truly slipped my mind. We've been busy buying a house. Scary in some ways, but so far things have been good. It's not through hard work and times that remind me of being scared, dealing with the hurt and fear of it happening again. He's truly immersing himself in uni, which I think has really been a helpline for him. He's started a new job so that he can focus on uni and doesn't have to travel 2 hours to work and then back again each day. It doesn't pay quite as much, and unfortunately sits directly across from a TAB. Once I was waiting for him and thought I saw him in there, almost ran in front of a bus. I turned around and he was just coming out of his work. It was terrifying. I told him about it, I couldn't help it, I was shaking. It makes me feel a bit better that we can talk about it. But it wasn't him and that's good. This forum is so good to get these thoughts out.

Thanks again W. Yes, i guess in some ways the trust point it coming, and I can feel that it is closer, however, I think he'd like it to be closer than where it is.

hi i didnt read all of your posts but you have come along way.Well done.

I have only just stopped gambling abt 3 weeks.I have a dairy here called Telling my wife

As i have not told her yet, i dont have the strenth i know i will break her heart and of course fear losing her.Alot of people here have said she will be more annoyed that i did not tell her(as she will find out)but i feel i need to prove to myself and her that i have stopped.Maybe another bad decision on my long list.

Best Regards

Micheal42

Hi Michael,

it sounds like you have a journey infront of you. As much as you would like to go in a certain direction, there are two people in the relationship and there needs to be a balance. I ask, is there a balance now? Would she want to know when things are 'all better?' or now when she has the opportunity to use her brain and yours? A challenge, I'm sure for you. It makes complete sense to feel confused as to whether or not to tell her. And truthfully, I would not know what to do in your situation. i hope that you can both meet the certain challenges that are in front of you both.

I guess, when I think, I did know all along that something was happening. It wasn't until I thought that day I would walk past, I almost didn't I walked to my car even, turned around and walked back. Almost like I had to know. i suspected enough so I had to know.

Sure, we have had our ups and downs, however, we would not be where we were except for professional help as well as groups like GA and GamAnon. As the person supporting, it is just as much about yourself as it is about them. It's about becoming real with yourself, learning how not to control, learning that there is no sure fire solution to the problem, learning that things will never be all better, cause it's one day at a time.

On to the good news though... It's one year today. I bought him a wallet. It was a really nice one and it seemed fitting, his was dying and this was all about starting afresh, this money had not been compromised, this wallet, was clean and fresh. I hope that makes sense.

I had an interesting chat with my friend this week. She has an eating disorder and she was saying it was harder to stop because her partner knew about it. My response was, no it's not harder because they know, it's harder because they accept it. I could never accept his gambling. I could and do accept him, but will never ever ever ever ever accept gambling from him or myself.

One year today!

Today i sit in the home that he and I have bought. I am the one whose name is on the mortgage. I have access to his accounts, I hold his money and cash when he asks, otherwise I know what is in his wallet. Sometimes I need to reassure myself of this though. It is hard to reconcile the hurt and loss of trust. But I do love him and we are working on things. I definitely trust him more now and it is starting to grow again. Am i stupid for thinking that if I let up, he will? he tells me he has stopped for good.

We were watching a short report on gambling problems on t.v. the other night, his response was that he thought that it was bull... the people were involved in Mickey Mouse games as he thinks that GA really is the only genuine way of stopping. Not to say counseling didn't help, just that GA is what keeps him inline every week. The twelve step program helped not only him, but me too. I feel better for it too. It's amazing how much life has changed.

i wish sometimes I could absolutely trust my partner in life, but i don't. God, I hope I will one day.

Well things are still going well. I spoke in my group the other week that I find it hard to not ask nearly every day if he has gambled. So they suggested I just ask once every two days, or try twice a week. I tried and it's helping so much. Sometimes when I ask I get a 'no' sometimes, I get a 'no, why do you have to keep asking.' This would worry me because I would start thinking he was being defensive, then probe more. When we talked he said that when i asked it brought back heaps of bad feelings so he was reacting to them. I have now stopped asking so much and it feels like i'm not so fixated on it now. Yes, it still bothers me and I most certainly checked his bank balances today as I do regularly, and I have asked him, but it seems like, we're starting to focus more on 'us' rather than 'gambling then us.' Interesting conundrum to be in, if you ask will it cause them to remember when they're trying to forget? Not his words, just my thoughts on the matter.

it's hard to remember to write on here, when things are going well. But, I think it's important to do so, it's important to remember that sometimes it's the hard times that make us who we are. I hope every day that he won't bust today. However, in some ways, it does fade. I do think about it though and sometimes think, i don't know if i want to think about this for the rest of my life. But, overall, I choose to stay and infact, are grateful for a relationship that has succeeded through what I hope is one of life's most diffiicult times. We have a home to live in, are paying the mortgage together, he is almost half way through his degree and we both have jobs. We still go to GA and GAM anon every week too and he says he will be going his whole life.