Hi,
I found out a month ago about my husband's gambling addiction. He went through a bad spate about 10 years ago but I naively put this down to age (we were young at the time, no real financial commitments). On that occasion we sorted the debt out and I thought that was that, but we never actually spent time on his issues which I now realise was wrong.
I have just found out he has been betting for a year. The debt is huge, all our savings are gone and that doesn't cover half of it. The debt is huge and I feel like my future plans have been stolen from me.
I want to help him. He is my husband of 6 years who I love so much and I very much view his addiction as an illness. If (god forbid) he had a physical illness, depression or something similar I would never walk away, I would help. And that is what I want to do now.
My deep rooted worry, though, is that this will happen again. He said he will never bet again and I actually think he believes this himself. He has accepted he has an addiction and is doing all the right things in terms of help and support. But I know that addictions are complex and that whilst he might think right now he won't do it again, there is no guarantee.
I think what I am seeking is some encouragement that people actually can overcome this addiction (I know addiction is always with you and is something that you just have to manage). But that with the right support, people can go on to live normal, happy lives with healthy relationships and not stray into the dark place again that we find ourselves in at the moment. Or am I again being naive to think that we have any chance of a happy future together with this addiction?
I have literally only joined today so I don't really know how this works but if anyone wants to get in touch with me if you have any advice or even if you are just in a similar situation yourself I would be so grateful just to know I am not alone.
Thank you for reading.
Hello and Welcome.
You are in the right place for information and advice.
Its difficult to give you all the words you want to hear but key factors will get better when you are aware and no longer complacent about this addiction.
You need to protect yourself because knowledge and strength can only be a benefit to you and him.
Its a drug addiction and mental illness. A proper recovery is needed and he can never be complacent about it for the rest of his life.
He will need all the help he can get and its good that you want to support him. However you need your eyes wide open and can not be a shrinking violet about this.
You need to know where the money is coming from and who is controlling it. You will both need financial advice and the best advice again is protect yourself and keep finances separate.
There is a positive future if he is genuinely ready to stop and accept help. It is however one of the most dangerous addictions and cold turkey will be needed just like a substance addiction.
You are not alone and I hope you can talk to family and friends for moral support. Its not your fault and there is no shame in a brand of tough love which can only help him.
If you follow the tried and trusted advice, you have a job on. If its a relationship worth saving its effort you will gladly put in.
Mark my words though. You do this while finances are protected. You can only help from a position of financial safety, knowledge and moral strength
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hi Morgan11 and welcome to the forum.
Like yourself I am married to a gambling addict in recovery. I can relate to a lot of the points you made.
Like you I have stood by my husband, believing that gambling is a mental illness. Similarly though, I have days where I struggle. It has affected our past and future, and I have moments where I feel we could have had more/done more, had a better life.
These feelings come and go, but generally we are happy. I think we are both more honest with each other now and both make more effort within the marriage to spend time together and enjoy the simple things in life. Oddly, dealing with his addiction has brought us closer together.
The addiction is always there and as Joydivider said, you can never be complacent. You have to have your eyes wide open to it. Your husband needs to be fully committed to abstaining. With that in mind, it is possible to go on to lead a happy, fulfilling life.
Wishing you both all the best.
J
Hi Jess and Joydivider,
Thank you for your responses.
Jess, it is really encouraging to hear that you are happy because I am in a place at the moment where happiness seems such a long way off but I truly hope we can get back to that. And whilst I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's comforting to know that I am not alone and that others have faced what my husband and I are facing.
Joydivider, thank you for your response too. I know it wouldn't be beneficial to just be told what I want to hear and I really appreciate your advice.
Morgan
Hi Morgan,
The first few weeks and months were very tough for me. Probably the hardest time of my life really as we had been married for years and I had no idea that he had been gambling for 10-15 years. I was devastated and felt such a fool. It has taken time to begin to build trust and I am so cautious now but we are happier. We are getting straight financially and building up savings and that helps me to feel more secure. It's a slow process but time does heal.
There are friends and family chat rooms on here and the advisers are very supportive if you need advice and information. There is also access to counselling for both of you through here if you think it would help.
Take care.
J
Hi Morgan
I have just joined today and I'm in a very very similar situation to you. Honestly I 100% relate to how you're feeling so please don't feel alone.
My husband has huge debts and all our savings have gone. I'm finding it difficult to accept and wondering how to move forward from this.
I also forgave my husband the first time and almost brushed it under the carpet after he had some counselling sessions. But unfortunately, the problem has returned but a million times worse.
The advice I have been given in protecting myself financially split everything, have your own savings and watch his every move. But I also understand this doesn't sound healthy. Unfortunately, the worry of the gambling returning is always going to be there.
Hi Lilly,
Sorry I have only just seen your post - when I first found out I became a bit obsessed with these forums so over the last few days I've tried to check less often.
Thank you for reaching out - whilst I wouldn't wish this on anyone it really is comforting to know I am not alone.
Everything I have read supports what you have said in that I will have to take full control of everything. I wish this wasn't the way - I wish there was a "cure" but ultimately there isn't and if we choose to stand by our husbands we are signing up to a life of full control.
I have suggested it should work both ways - so that he can also see my banking (with no actual access might I add!) as I really don't want to feel like his mother.
I hope you are doing okay and getting the support you need. I'll check this thread more often so please just shout if you need any support.
Take care
Morgan x
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