Do I still have time?

Hi, I'm still new to all this so maybe not the best help. I've only just recently discovered my husbands gambling addiction. I'm determined to make it work and I'm hopeful I can sort out the mess caused this time, however if I thought this is what my life would have turned into I can't honestly say I would have chosen it. 

That might sound very harsh and I suppose it is but the reality that I'm now facing is..

losing my home - this the house that I've brought my children home to and been raising them in their whole lives. It's all they've ever known.

I personally never mind my husband now has a poor credit score therefore no back up for money in emergencies.

The anxiety I have at the minute is overwhelming. It has had a big impact on my mental health which in turn will probably have an impact on my children.

I get nervous every time I see him on his phone, when there's a knock at the door or a letter in the post. 

I have been dealing with it on my own as I don't want to put that stress and worry in my family. It's hard keeping everything "normal" for the kids.

He has promised not to do it again and has blocking software and restrictions in place and no access to money. He genuinely wants help and to change but at the minute the whatif's are still a big worry.

Personally it doesn't sound like your partner is ready to change. You say there's been no improvement and broken promises. He has to want it for himself and put the work in. Questions I would ask myself before living together, marriage or children would be..

How has this been affecting you since you've learned of his addiction?

Has he made any effort to get help and improve?

Can I live the rest of my life with the possibility of a relapse?

If I moved in or got married how would this impact me financially?

Would I end up resenting them?

If I where to have children how would it impact their lives? Am I financially able to support them solely if it came down to it? 

Advise I would give myself would be trust your gut. If something doesn't sound or feel right it usually isn't. Unfortunately I fell for the lies and brushed it off. Make sure you're in control of the finances especially important bills.

I'm not saying your partner can't or won't change so I'm not telling you to leave him and start over, just some questions that might help give you some insight. Loving someone is hard and it's not an easy decision to just walk away.

I'm sure someone with more experience will be along and able to share better advice and experience soon. 

I found ringing the helpline and speaking to an advisor incredibly helpful too. It seems a bit scary to talk to a stranger but they're lovely people and are there is support you too not just your partner.

@oapwniz1f2 

Hi, I appreciate your honesty and openness about your current situation. I'm deeply sorry to hear about the challenges you and your family are facing, and I genuinely hope that this marks the end of the gambling cycle for your husband.

I cant imagine the weight your carrying for you and your family and the consistent worry and anxiety your going experiencing. You sound like an amazing women and amazing mum!

My partner has reached for out support and help over the last couple of years such as putting a block on their bank account, however, everytime I think things are getting better they manage to get worse. I found out they have instead been going to the shops with cash to gamble. I don’t know why but this feels worse, I understand it’s an addiction and an impulse but this time I can’t get my head around how much thought, effort and lying has gone in to this, they had all of that time to think about their actions. As we don’t live together I’m at a dead end, how I can now find a way to keep tabs on there location.

My life has already been affected by the addiction before I even know about it. There was never enough money to stretch and I put it down to management of money. I’ve seen friend move on in their relationship such as buying a house, marriages, holidays and we are still stuck in which we can never move forward due to the lack of money. I find myself lying to all of my close friend & family “when are you moving in together?” “We are saving to buy a house” deep down I know this will never happen.

I think deep down after answering all those questions I know what it is I want it’s just so hard to let go. You love someone but the addiction turns them in to a completely different person and it can be really hard to separate the two and pull yourself away.

@69nm8ep1dr 

Hi lovely, I'm so sorry you're going through this I know how hurtful the lies can be. I find myself asking the same questions and it's so hard to try and put yourself in their shoes when all you can think of is, how can you keep carrying on knowing the damage you're causing yourself and those around you? As you said I understand it's an illness and they don't have control but it's just so frustrating!

You seem like such a supportive and understanding partner and have done all you can to help support his journey. He has to be accountable for his actions. Try not to put it all on yourself to "babysit" him, it'll wear you out. 

Just a few suggestions if staying with him is something you want to continue..

If he has a block on his bank account and the software to restrict online gambling and then continuing to go to the shops can he banned from them? I have been reading a few stories on here to gain more perspective and understanding and seen a few people mentioning "moses". As I'm new to all this I'm not quite sure how that works but I'm sure if you reached out someone they could point you in the right direction. I've also seen someone mention their partner has them on live 365 to keep an eye on their location. I appreciate that's a time consuming thing to have to do and would possibly have an effect on you have to constantly check it and he would also have to be willing to keep it turned on. The only other thing I could suggest would be getting him to hand over his bank card to you and you giving him an "allowance" again I know that could be difficult with not living together and a lot of pressure is put on you. That's not to say he won't find ways of borrowing money of other people.

It's hard to see other people move on with their lives and doing the things you so desperately want and have planned for especially through no fault of your own. It sucks when you kind of get dragged into it and feel the need to lie yourself, you nearly feel like their addiction is a part of you too. I've done the same and found myself making excuses and lying too to save worry and embarrassment to family and friends.

That's the worst part about it all it is hard to separate the two. They might not be bad people but it does completely consume them and turn them into someone you don't recognise any more. 

Feel free to reach out to me if you need someone to just listen whatever decision you make and feels right for you. Remember you matter too and your hopes, dreams, thoughts and feelings are valid! 

Hi right123

ive been married to a compulsive gambler for 25 years. My children are definitely affected by this. They know all about the gambling. My daughter saw him coming out of the betting shop when she got off the bus. This was after gambling for years online and at work with loans etc. he was cash only and he changed to betting shop with even just a pound.

i tell her don’t have anything to do with an addict. She doesn’t like people who drink too much, gamble, take drugs. 

its tough but this will affect everything. If you gamble it affects mortgage application, credit scores. There is help but unless you surrender to the addiction and seek help this will continue. 10 years is a long time and you have invested in this relationship. Ask yourself what you can do to change this? A great book to read is ‘women who love too much’

@oapwniz1f2 

Hey lovely, it can be very hard to understand & but also super hurtful.

It’s really nice to hear I often question if I’m doing enough. I’m often told by them I could do more but a small part of me can’t help but feel it may be a way to shift some accountability.

Oh thank you so much for those suggestions I will have a look in to them and see if any would be helpful!

Yes definitely, you find yourself lying to protect them but you’re right it’s like the addiction starts to consume you in a different sense. It’s really hard isn’t it because you feel like you have to pick up all the pieces to protect your family.

Again, I just wanted to say thank you for reaching out and the same goes to you if you ever need a listening ear or some advice please do drop me a message.

@merry-go-round 

Hey, thank you for reaching out! I can imagine the impact this has had - I experienced something very similar so can probably resonate with some of their experiences, which I guess would explain some of my concerns and worries. It sounds although this has impacted your children and yourself, you’ve done an amazing job in being open and guiding them in the right direction through your own experiences.

A small question, if your comfortable answering over the 25 years has their gambling addiction improved? I ask because I’m at an age in my life where I feel the next steps are so important. I have lost 10 years, which is a long time, but ultimately am I losing more time by staying. If I stay I will never be able to buy house, if we move in together I will end up paying all the bills as all the money would have been gambled, my single income would be used to raise our child. It’s like I’m aware of my potential future and it’s not the life I want, but some how I still hold on to the small glimmer of hope or maybe it’s the promises and lies I hold on to.

Thank you so much for your recommendation! I have just brought the book and by the looks of the reviews it’s potentially life changing. I will let you know my thoughts and outlook on the situation once I have finished the book. 

Hi right123

sorry to not reply earlier .

i do have a diary you can read if you can find it. I’m sure a lot is garbled and chaotic. It’s in recovery diaries.

so I could tell you about my experience but it will be different from yours. It’s all about you and what you do and how you react.

I would have all money, his salary to me. I didn’t work . I refused because I felt if I worked I’d pay for everything while he gambled. I looked after the house, garden, money, kids etc. We were very fortunate he had a good job, been there since he left school.

regardless of that he had secret bank accounts etc. I would think he’d stopped and he would come to me with a loan to repay. 

I had to look after me, so I went to meetings. Gamanon. I also did the gamcare counselling. I had to learn not to pay. Debt comes last. I also learnt to detach, it’s not my responsibility. I did learn that paying his debts is enabling. It lets them get more credit and sets them free.

it has been a long road, awful at times.

it has damaged his mental health for sure. He’s bipolar 2. This was diagnosed after years of depression, etc. he was ill health retired at 47! He just couldn’t function in a stressful environment anymore.

even then he gambled because he knew the money was there.

so my point is who knows what they’re doing. They will tell you they are not gambling but they are. 

as I said before it’s not until they surrender. You can’t stop them. They have to want to stop.

gambling in my view is not acceptable. Unfortunately it’s everywhere. We are living in an addictive society. Everyone is on their phones, every ad is a gambling one.

they have to learn new healthy addictions like running, reading, etc. learn to watch sports for fun.  Relax, self care. 

as far as I know he hasn’t gambled for 6 years maybe. But realistically I’ve no idea. He worked on cash and receipts for a long while. Now has a card I put money on, I see all transactions and he shows receipts if he has to pay cash. I don’t check secretly, he asks me to look.

I severed myself financially which means no one can take my share of the house. I made a will leaving everything to my children. This is to protect them and him. My children are adults now. 
There is more help now, credit reports, notifications. But also stricter rules about mortgages and gambling transactions.

its not ok for you to pay everything so he can gamble. They still have to pay their share of bills, food, childcare etc. debt comes last.

setting boundaries is important. But be prepared to stick to it.

this is your life too. Get support and help.

Hey @merry-go-round,

Thank you for reaching out again,

It sounds like you have found the balance of protecting yourself and children but also your boundaries too.

Like yourself I find it really hard to know if they are still gambling as it’s everywhere and you can only take their word.

I may reach out to support as that is something I haven’t done yet they maybe be able to provide some help or provide invaluable advice.