Does the anger subside?

I have met people who dont want to move on, they feed the anger and keep it going for years, but i think even they let it go in the end. Maybe.

I know what you mean about switchign between states of mind, i've been there. Particularly when he first began recovery,it was like I had permission to actually look at the past, lift up the carpet id swept everything under and i was furious at some of the things that had happened when i looked back. Then there was a stage where i despaired at myself for enduring it.

I do get angry now, my temper can flash if he shows any impatience or criticism about how i handle the money, but its not the frustrated, tearful anger that comes with beating your head against a brick wall while you walk on eggshells and other cliches, its a fierce"you put us n this situation so take it or leave it" type comment and its over in seconds, because ive spoken my mind. He's learned alot in GA aboout himself and when to let things go too, so that tends to be the end of it.

You have to go through the anger, its a stage of acceptance of the reality of the situation, all those lies that made you doubt yourself... this is your mind reasserting itself, it was all lies you were right, that would make the most saintly of us furious, but the point is to go through the stage andand come out the other side. then you'll find some serenity in the strength you gain.

No one can tell you how long it takes, but my experience of all this is that nothing happenes gradually, pennies drop suddenly and unexpectedly, one day, today will be the past.

It also helps that these days he is trying to make ammends, so our relationship is a two way thing, whereas previosuly it was just about me coping with him and him being needy, thats alot of pressure in hindsight, no wonder i was a bit tetchy.

Hi

thanks so much for taking the time to reply.

A lot of what you say about it being part of the process of acceptance makes sense. But I can't let go of the anger yet. I understand that it will turn me into a bitter resentful person. But right now I am his support and the back bone of our family and just once I would like him to show some effort- stopping gambling and lying to me would be a start. Then maybe I could begin to move on but whilst I'm still discovering more debt and lies it's just not possible. I don't know if I'll ever have the level of acceptance that you have reached. I hope I will.

Hi half-life

thanks for your comments. I completely hear what you're saying. Be as harsh as you like!! He says he wants to stop but there again he says a lot of things. He says that he needs to recover from his depression. He has already missed a counselling session telling me he doesn't find them helpful. More debt emerged last week but I have now seen the credit report. The thing is he has left us with such huge repayments to make each month that him leaving really doesn't seem financially possible. And I am not gonna loose the roof over my girls head because of his stupidity. Just can't see any happy solution to this mess he has landed me in.

Thanks half-life for your advise but DMP isn't an option- because of his job - they would find out when he next gets vetted and it would be too risky. So far all the sorting out has been driven by me- I rang gam care, I got credit report, I insisted that I saw the statements etc. I have asked him to attend a GA meeting next week. He says he will but I'm not sure. As I say I am trapped in this awful situation with no happy outcome-through no fault of my own.

Katiecola i thought of you at my last gam anon meeting, little words of wisdom that you hear a hundred times and then suddenly they come alive with relevance....

You dont have to make a decsion about staying with him for the rest of your life right now. You can decide to stay for today and see how that goes.

You can decide to stay until he's been to a GA meeting and see how that goes.

You dont have to make enormous life changing decisions now, while your are under this much stress, you dont have to decide your entire future today.

I didnt mention you, it was just a conversation i listened to and i thought of you and some other ladies here.

Things are very hard and it is not any of your fault, its alot to cope with, so breaking it down into smaller tasks and smaller decisions can help, just decide for today.

How are you getting on anyway?

Hi pangolin,

I read your other post just now and just want to wish you a lovely weekend. Thanks for all your advise - it really does help me.

Youre right about not having to decide immediately. I have made an appointment with the citizens advice and a solicitors next week just to clarify my position. I am also going to attend a gam anon meeting next week.

Any way enough about me- go and enjoy yourselves!