Don't know if I can stay

Hi

It was hard for my family when I got more honest with my self.

My wife told me that it was not a money issue it is the fact I kept lying to her and betraying her trust of me.

My wife asked me to be honest each and every day if she asked me if I gambled to be honest with her.

Then I noticed she was nto asking me if I had gambled.

I let it go for some time then asked why are not asking me if I have gambled, she smiled and told me she knew when I was not gambling.

I transfered my pains fears and frsutrations on to her.

Being consumed by my addictions and obsessions was a form of escape when I could not cope emotionally.

In my time I have lost much money yet I think it is lost time that is most important.

Dave L

Posted by: @zoailrwugh

It's been a month since my partner confessed to his addiction. He hid it for 3 years. His debt is very low double figures and while I appreciate this is nothing in the grand scheme of things and some stories I've seen here, it still feels a lot to me. 

I'm very good with my money. I've supported him financially on several occasions before, so to find this all out has been very hard. Especially when we both said we wanted to spend the next few years travelling and now I find out he has no money. 

We've been together 9 years and outside of this he's been a near perfect, loving partner the whole time. But to find out a third of our relationship has had this huge lie over it is really hard to deal with.

When he confessed he immediately put blockers on his phone and has attended 1 GA meeting. But he hasn't sorted counselling yet like he said he would, or told any friends or family.

I don't want to nag him as he has to want to make the change himself. He said seeing me so upset had made him feel accountable and determined to change, but the fact he's not taken all of the agreed steps yet is really irritating me. I appreciate how hard it is for him though and I have of course been supportive. 

Much like other people in this group I just feel like so much has changed. I want to support him but the other half of me feels selfish and I don't want to put my life on hold/feel unable to do the things I want to do. He's shattered my trust and I don't know if I want to wait around to see if it can be rebuilt. 

Any advice is much welcomed x

 

 

If the Debt is very Low doble figures, I personally give him yor support even if he got you into a lot of debt, I dobt very mch it was done intentional, NOT all gamblers are the same, some do have a conscience , and are sick with addiction.Nobody can cre gambling addiction its how your personality is wired, bt you can alter the circits in yor brain by abstaining in other words the Neurological pathways, Circuits can for where your able to arrest the addiction and so yo can't cure being a compulsive gambler but you can stop gambling itself many compulsive gamblers have stopped gambling, the Human brain has a reward centre where it get a rush of adrenaline and Dopamine gamblers search and search for the hit and rush gambling gives them. This is why we do it Neurologists understand why we gamble,  difficulty in regulating their emotions.so they escape these emotions by gambling Drinking and Drug addictions, i know some people will disagree but its a fact, the science is there for all to see.I have been studing neuroscience for 40 years so i have a *** of how the human brain works.nothing special or intelligent about me i just had a fascination in how the Human brain works, i could go and on abot the prefontal cortex area of the brain but I don't want to bore everyone, on a positive note anyone can stop gambling and restore your brain into healthy thinking and Living. all the best to every one reagrds John 

Sounds to me you have already been supportive as you haven't just left the relationship and you are offering to help him through this.

Find a moment to talk to him again and ask him if he's doing ok? How he is feeling and if he's thought anymore about the help on offer out there.

Don't be fooled by low double figures on here compared to others, for years I put my own gambling down as not too bad as mine was low compared to stories I was reading but compared to my wage my loss was high to me and my situation, when all the borrowing added up to more than my yearly wage that when I realised.

Be strong and keep talking to him, if he doesn't like it then tell him you'll back off a little once you know he's getting some help.

The affects of gambling sadly affect both people in a relationship, trust, financial responsibility, two components of a relationship that can be the hardest to fix when broken.

Don't feel selfish about wanting to live your life and do things, sadly that's another consequence of gambling and he needs to understand that.

Good luck to you both ??

Sounds to me you have already been supportive as you haven't just left the relationship and you are offering to help him through this.

Find a moment to talk to him again and ask him if he's doing ok? How he is feeling and if he's thought anymore about the help on offer out there.

Don't be fooled by low double figures on here compared to others, for years I put my own gambling down as not too bad as mine was low compared to stories I was reading but compared to my wage my loss was high to me and my situation, when all the borrowing added up to more than my yearly wage that when I realised.

Be strong and keep talking to him, if he doesn't like it then tell him you'll back off a little once you know he's getting some help.

The affects of gambling sadly affect both people in a relationship, trust, financial responsibility, two components of a relationship that can be the hardest to fix when broken.

Don't feel selfish about wanting to live your life and do things, sadly that's another consequence of gambling and he needs to understand that.

Good luck to you both ??

@brownie889

Thanks all for your comments. Yesterday was 4 weeks since he told me so I asked to see his bank account for the first time. Turns out he was gambling again the day after he told me, and every day up until about ten days ago. Since then it does appear he's managed to stop. 

But in the last four weeks I've asked him in multiple occasions how he's feeling, if he's gambled etc and he outright lied. Even last night he tried to hide certain payments from his account from me and I found out he had another small loan he hadn't told me about. This feels different to before because I didn't know before, but now he knows I know now and am here to support him and yet he's lying to my face?? I'm so disappointed and angry.

I know it's an addiction, I want to support him but I really don't know if I can. He still hasn't got therapy or told his family or anything. He says he'll call to set up therapy on Monday (we're away this weekend) so I really hope he does. Otherwise I'm not sure how much longer I can deal if he isn't even trying to change 🙁