drowning

Hi

What a terrible position you are in. I am a former gambler who hit rock bottom before making the drastic changes to my life, to save my marriage. There are several things about your situation that concern me. As a recovering gambling addict your partner should have absolutely no access to anything that enables him to gamble. Myself and many others here have handed full control to their partners. I will tell you my situation, I handed over all my credit cards I used to gamble with, my wife has my debit card, which she changed the pin number. If I need money for petrol/food etc, I provide receipts for everything. We also check my credit file every 2 weeks so my wife can check I am not obtaining further credit behind her back. My wife and I even joke about that now, that she has all the money as I cannot be trusted with it. My point is simple, if your partner is serious about beating this problem he should be willing to hand over all finance to you, why has this not happened.

I do not believe he is taking the necessary steps to help himself or your family. He is also blaming you because of his selfish actions, if you are ending this relationship it is 100% his fault. A classic gamblers trait is to blame everbody but themselves, we do not take responsibility for our actions.

You need to think about yourself and kids now, as the only person he is thinking about is himself. If he is serious about beating this addiction he should be taking the advice we gamblers are all given. Firstly admit to having a problem, secondly hand over all financial control to a partner or family member. Go to counselling if necessary. This addiction takes time to beat so removing financial temptation immediately is absolutely critical. Please click on my name and read how I ended up here if it helps, many stories are similar but the successful people have the right blocks in place. Keep posting as there are some good people here who will want to help.

All the best

Hi.. Thanks for reply, it sounds stupid but I haven't dared ask in the past, I think because I know the answer will be no.... Then it will tell me he's not ready to give it up... When I so desperately want him to end this behaviour ... He is better than this, that's what kills me ... Why can't he see that ? I know it An addiction , I can only imagine the pain he goes through every time he decides to do this knowing he's hurting me and hurting our kids ... My counsellor has said he may be afraid to give it up for fear of having emptiness , like he's got nothing to replace with something that has taken up so much time and thought in his life ... He doesn't even want to talk at minute ... He can't process what is being said to him... I know he sees how frustrated I am... It must kill him... He knows he can't do both , he can't have a family and continue to gamble... I can't live like this , maybe he doesn't want to stop , maybe I have no choice now , he's conflicted about it all, which I understand ... I have told him I will stand by him if he's trying ... I will try and help and support him... But if he doesn't want to beat it then I can't do anything , I'm backed into a corner now ... I feel so heartbroken and beaten by it all... How can I walk away from someone I love so desperately ? Im so scared now .... I worry about him also... He's not coping with his uncle who is dying ,,, if he now goes because he can't beat this or doesn't want to then will he hurt himself ... Where will he go ... He will have nothing ... I worry all the time about hurting him and having him he desperately sad and low and no one to face ... We are at crisis point now .. This is the worst it's ever been as I'm facing up to the fact he may not want to even beat it... Why can't he beat it for his kids , me and more importantly himself

Hi Holhol,

I hope you are doing ok. I feel your pain and despair you are going through. I went through the ups and downs with my cg for over 6 years. It is soul destroying to see somebody you love be taken over by such a horrible disease and to feel so hopeless.

I hope he gets the help he needs, just try and focus on yourself and your girls as much as you can, I know it's easier said than done, I am still working on it but getting there day by day X

Hi thanks for reply ... Has you cg stopped now? Has it got better ? We are at 5 years... When my baby was born I preyed it would end....., I got through it with her being here.... Knowing I needed to keep sane.... Due to being scared of post natal depression... I blocked all the gambling and hurt out to keep me feeling ok.... With all this now and the realisation he may not stop is making me feel anxious... Like I can't catch my breath .... I don't want to be around anyone... He's home today from offshore after only a day and I'm dreading him coming home x

Hi Holhol85

I understand how torn you are, in trying to do the right thing. You really need to talk with him but be really firm, do not accept lies and lame excuses. The question you need to ask him is simple, 'Is he ready and willing to fight this addiction'. If the answer is yes, then he needs to put the blocks in place, no finance and you have full access to his credit file. Do not back down or compromise on this. Demand receipts for essentials he buys. He cannot gamble without money. Believe me, it has worked so well for me, I have not relapsed because I have not had access to money, thankfully.

However, I should tell you that I am 100% committed to beating this horrible addiction and was honest about all the debts, credit cards etc. No more secrets and lies anymore and I feel so much better for it. I knew I had a choice, Choose a life of gambling and lose my family, or save my marriage and beat this with the support of my wife.

You deserve to know what he really wants. If he cannot commit to beating this problem properly, then I'm afraid your family will continue to suffer financially and emotionally. Please be firm and stand up to him, you do not need to scream and yell but let him know it's you or the gambling.

All the best and keep posting

I have done all this ... I even show him your reply ... He said I have full access to everything , which I do ... I have his internet banking , access to his credit file , access to his email... So I do find out when he gambles via that... Iv previously found a secret bank account as I am good at finding stuff out and knowing when something is not right ... The last 3-4 times he has admitted it to me without me finding out... I cope in different ways when this happens ... I am calmer and ready to accept this won't be easy and may not end over night ... This time he has lied though and gave me a stupid excuse , he done it , then let me , we had a coffee and a laugh and we're happy , he then begged me not to go to gym ( this is my only free child time and makes me feel better and lifts my mood) so I gave in and let him go to the driving range to golf... Whilst I had our baby... He then even felt the need to go back again and do another £100 whilst coming back... That hurts ... He moans if I need money for stuff... Like new clothes and says I need to be more responsible with money then he does this ... Iv woken up again feeling conflicted ... He's back home today and I have no idea what to do ... Iv told him we need to talk... He is licking his wounds and says he doesn't want to talk, or go for crisis counselling ... He has had enough of telling his life story to people ... I truely think he is very troubled and something bad has happened in his past and he can't talk to me about it , I understand that.... I understand and I'm aware that I don't need to know everything, he used to make out I was controlling , he does whatever he wants whenever , I have never tried to stop him living life , I love my own space , my friends , my baby groups and plans ... So he is not stifled by me , far from it ... We spend quality time together then we both do what we want ... He even went to Vegas when our baby was 4 weeks old with my recovering from a c section ... He took 4K with me ... I allowed this as he done private work to get the money ... So I really feel he has abused my trust , my kindness... Truth is I can't bear to let him go when I love him so desperately ... I can't watch the man I love ... Love someone else , I can never ever imagine having someone else in my life ... So I'm so torn with all this , he says he wants to beat it ... But only does certain things ... He agreed to see a counsellor .. Which is helping him,,, and it has reduced it all... But I think it's helping him more with the troubles in his past than the gambling ... Which is great... I'm glad he gets other help... But is it even working now ? X thanks for your reply ... It helps hearing it from someone else's side

Hi Holhol85

Just a quick comment as I am sure you have heard enough now. It seems you have access to his credit file and bank etc, but he is still gambling, it's all pointless if he has access to funds and just carries on regardless. I think he has only admitted gambling the last 3 or 4 times as he knows you will find out anyway when you check his bank account. Sorry to sound harsh but he is deinitely not committed to quitting the gambling. I am sure some other posters will be along to comment on your story, and I do not believe anyone is going to find your partners behaviour acceptable.

All the best

Hi holhol as greenflash says how is he getting money? Is his counsellor specialised in addiction? A counsellor only hears what the person tells them. If your cg wants to deal with his traumatic past then that's what they deal with. A cg gambles because they want to, it's a 'go to', a bubble, a safe place. It's their fix, same as drinker, drugs etc. You cannot decide what he deals with. He also could be lying. Don't be persuaded to change your plans for his. Think totally about yourself. Stop worrying what he's doing. Why do you dread his return but love him so much? Try and work out what you want. If you want to stay you need financial control, not half hearted, 100% he has no access whatsoever. All money straight to you, no cards, cash and receipts. Credit alerts. Not wanting to repeat his story is an excuse.

Thanks green flash.. I understand what you are saying ... And I know you are right .... That's the hard thing .... I know deep down he's not commited and it makes me feel physically sick ... As Iv tried so hard... To help to support ... Believing he wants to change... But knowing deep down that's not the case... It's not the case at all... He's saying he wants to stop but I know he's saying it to try and keep hold of us.... It's not the case of giving him ultimatums but I truely cannot live with a cg.... The lies that come with it are slowly destroying me.... I think this will eventually end in me hating him.... Falling out of love with him... I don't want that ... But I'm powerless to do anything , I get help, I use different approaches ... But nothing works... He's hell bent on destroying us and he doesn't even know it ... Wish I had a magic wand to escape this hell.... I know I need to look out for myself and kids ... Which I'm trying to do... But it's making me ill.... x

Hi merry go round ... He has access to his wages through his bank account... I see all trans.... From what I have spoken to him about means he is not willing to do this and hand over to me ... So it's clear he's not commited to beating this..... He says he is... Gets angry at me for questioning it.... He says he's trying and says it till he's blue in the face ... But I know it's not the case.... Instead it's turned around to me .... I'm the one not letting up.... I'm so desperate .... So sad.... I don't want him coming home as I can't face arguments.... I can't face any of it.... Iv told him to go.... He needs to leave .... He goes into shock.... I told him we need to have a break... He tells me that's not an option .... He's either with me or he's not ... I want to tell his dad it all..... I want to tell his dad what he's put us through and his grandkids.... But I know then it will be the final straw and he won't accept people knowing ... And hate me and be angry at this.... He has backed me into a corner and keeps telling me I'm the one making this decision to end it... I keep pleading with him... Telling him it isn't my choice... It's been taken out of my hands x

Hi Hol,

I posted my story on Friday (split with my CG, why does it hurt?) will give u a bit of background.

Between Oct-Dec I had weeks of him gambling, every time I thought I blocked him, he would find another way. I was feeling desperate. All my time was spent playing detective as that was the only way to get the truth. He would still even lie when I had evidence and make me out to be crazy!

Finding out he cheated on me with a girl from work was the most painful thing ever and the final straw for me. I feel like he used this girl as a way to escape his reality (she seen him as a great guy and doesn't know his past) and therefore he thought I was the problem, trying to control him/nag him etc..

It hurt that even after losing his family he still never hit rock bottom. Instead, has carried on seeing this girl (continues to lie to me about this as he wants to come home) his gambling got really out of control. He has taking out payday loans, borrowed a lot of money from people and still doesn't think he has a problem.

Like your partner, my ex always seemed to be in emotional pain and used gambling to fill the hole as he said. But he would never talk to me about anything. Now I'm out of the relationship i question was this the truth or just another way to manipulate me to feel sorry for him. He has often made me feel like he was going to take his own life, have me in such a state only to ring the next day and act like nothing happened..it completely messes with your head.

I too used to hold on as I was scared of breaking up my little family and him loving somebody else. But seeing him these last few weeks has just showed me a different side to him, and has made it easier to stand by my decision. It still hurts like hell that he is with somebody else, but it's all based on lies. She has no idea what he is like and he has been manipulating her too.

The whole thing feels like a bad dream, but I am getting to a better place now. Those weeks before Xmas I was running on pilot mode with my kids and not emotionally there for them (which I feel so guilty about) but now I'm not having to watch his every move and live in constant fear of 'what next' I am able to focus on me and really be there mentally with my kids.

I used to dream of winning the lottery and then Mabey he would be happy and we could live a normal life (how sad!) but I realise now that wouldn't have done anything as it's something inside him he needs to fix.

My heart goes out to you and everyone living in this nightmare X

Hi holhol remember you can tell who you like. If that gets you help and support do it. Isolation means you stay in the circle of lies. Once you reach for help it's out in the open. He probably wants you not to talk because he's lied and begged from them as well. A gambler will lie and hoodwink you so they don't have to give it up. Stop pleading, stop arguing, start ignoring and don't let him drag you into the circus!

Stace88, thank you for the reply, it's sad that I almost envy the situation you are in, at least in a way he has put you out of your misery , so the choice has been taken away from you now , you know he's no longer going to hurt himself over this , he's someone else's issue now , I always say to my other half that I think it would be easier having to deal with him with other woman ( my ex done it a LOT , but I could always take out my anger and frustration on them or ) but if he had an issue with other women it would also be easier for me to walk away, as it means he doesn't love me , so it's hard when there's no where I can take my anger out on , apart from smashing up bookies , which will land me in prison lol, I truely hope you find peace now , and your kids are happy , it may feel hard , sad , scary to lose him to someone else , even frustrating but he has shown you his true colours now , and at least you haven't had to walk away from someone you love thinking "what if " xxx

Thanks Merrh go round , I decided not to talk to his dad , his uncle died last night and I don't want to add to their pain and bring more heart ache , his dad has had all this recently with his other son , who's wife come clean , my other half has told his dad 6 months ago about his problem and told him he's actively trying to get help with counselling , we have talked the last few days , been honest ( I hope ) he knows how come he has come to losing us , I can see it in his eyes he's gutted that he's hurt me so much , it's not to say I believe he's ready to try and combat this , but I think I can't be brought down by thinking about this no more , Easter has been ruined for my girls as Iv been elsewhere with my thoughts and sad about it all, so I feel awful due to that and want to concentrate on them having a good half term , I'm well aware i could be in this situation in another few months , but I need to work on my plan B which Iv been told by my counsellor , I have my savings so j need to work on keeping them topped up incase he leaves , I also have a job interview next week which sounds promising , ( I decided after baby to not go back to work as she's my last one but I know that's not possible now in order to be able to maybe live on my own and provide for my kids ) he will take the car also , which then takes away my self employed job options , so I need to get more in savings for a car IF it's needed and to pay 6 months of rent upfront , I am well aware that this could be the one thing that ends us , he knows it too , I just need to be in a better situation incase it happens , I love him dearly , I Want to help him to save him , but I know he's the only one who can do that , I can't lose myself in the process though , my girls don't deserve that , he has agreed to self exclude, so I need to look into the best way to get it sorted and sit with him one night and do it together , then we will see where this takes us , I'm still confused and very sad , but I need to take each day as it comes and stop worrying about " next time " I know it will happen , but hopefully next time I'll be stronger to cope with it xxx