drowning

The problems of addiction and co-addiction run deep, they’re serious emotional issues that take a lifelong commitment to manage. It’s more than “making” him stop, stopping is just the beginning. And of course no one can “make” another person do or not do anything. To use or not to use is his choice and his responsibility. But all the posts so far have been about him, his family, his problems, what about you? And, sorry, no disputing that you’re having a bad time but what about your responsibility for your choices? You didn’t choose or cause the gambling, but you chose the relationship.

“...I love him dearly, I want to help to save him...”

If his issue is compulsive gambling, your issue is choosing men who need saving by you and once you have saved them and moulded them into who you think they should be, you’ll be happy together. Except it never happens because the reality of a gambling addict (or possibly a s*x addict?) is that they’re no more emotionally available than you are (they’re busy using, you’re busy fixing), you can’t actually save or change them so you suffer along the way but ultimately it doesn’t work. And it’s a pattern repeated over, based on the lessons that you learned in childhood about life and love. If suffering feels familiar, then maybe it’s time for you to change you and not your other half.

It’s hard to define love between equal life partners but it doesn’t amount to one saving the other and it doesn’t amount to one abusing the other. It’s about two human beings (not angels) committed to their relationship, both with their strengths and vulnerabilities, their competence and weaknesses, both being able to be themselves.

Change starts with you. Protect yourself and your children financially and physically but then focus on what you need to do for you and not for everyone else. Try meetings, GamAnon and CoDA to learn how to look after you and read up on addiction and codependency. You can change your life and break the cycle for the next generation, nothing’s easy but it’s doable.

Look after you,

CW

I didn't willingly go into any of these relationships wanting to fix them, my first partner was a gambler , I never knew , he ended up being sacked from work for stealing, I had a baby with him and found out when she was 1, I tried to live normally for her sake, but the Shame of stealing made me end it, that was 8 years ago, I was strong at the time to save my baby, moved on to a weird relationship where I was always being lied to , second guessing what girls he was sleeping with, it changed me completely , I became angry, aggressive , negative, I HAD to leave for my own sanity when I started to imagine what it would feel like to hurt myself , my girl didn't deserve a mummy like that , I admit I wanted to save that one , be the girl that changed him and his womanising ways , I didn't love him, I was obsessed with changing him , being a winner , having him love me enough to not ever go near anyone else , it was a dangerous game , I'm ashamed of the stuff I done , how I was , even who I was ! I made a promise then that I would never ever let anyone effect me like that ! I was strong , I am strong ! Then I met the man of my dreams , he was perfect , he knew my past and what I came from , he Obv wanted us together so never disclosed what he was like , we fell hard in love , we are still in love , but now we have this demon between us , I don't want to save him to feel like a hero , I want to help as he is an amazing human , fantastic father , makes me feel amazing , when we got together I couldn't believe my luck! After my bad luck that I had his amazing man love me ! Then it hit me , the realisation of his issues , it's been hard , so awful , I want to stand by him , not for praise , but so that he realises what he's capable of , I tell him all the time he's amazing , he's selfless , he gives us everything even if he does gamble , I am confused , right now I am unhappy ... I love him , our family, I know I need to accept this and prey one day he sees the light ! My counsellor has told me that I'm so frustrated as I am normally in control , I know what I want out of life , and I'm powerless to do anything about this , and that is why I feel like this , maybe if I let go and accepted this is totally out of my control I'd feel better ? I know I need to do that , and I am slowly getting there , i know the sad thing is , is that I may have to walk away and think what if for the rest of my life , X

Holhol being powerless is the part I hate the most. It makes me feel so hopeless my fate is in someone else’s hands and I hate that!

HolHol, how can someone who’s busy gambling and who has lied to you really be such a fantastic life partner and father? Handsome is what handsome does. Feeding an addiction is not selfless, it’s actually the most selfish activity going because it’s done at the expense of everyone else. What’s actually happening to you in reality and what’s your fantasy of who he could be if only he would shape up. If he’s going to shape up, he’ll do it whether you’re there or not.

if you leave this relationship, what will you do to avoid the same pattern in the next? Because good givers do attract great takers. What if? What if you look after yourself and look at who you are and what you need?

Praying that he sees the light is about you controlling outcomes or trying to. He probably won’t see anything beyond the next fix until he’s ready because he is who he is and he does what he does. The question isn’t how to change him, it’s how you respond to what’s really there. And rather than dedicating your life to have him fulfil your idea of his potential (it won’t happen), how about you settting the example and fulfilling your own potential? Looking at who you are (perfectly human, not inhumanly perfect), what you want and need, what is and isn’t acceptable to you?

The answers lie within you.

CW

I know who I want to be , what I want to be and I'm working on achieving it , Iv set goals , I want him to be apart of it though ? I'm doing an advanced learner course , going back to work soon , will be aiming to open a business in next year becoming a personal trainer , he is my ideal man, this doesn't define who he is , this is just a big part .... I believe he loves me , I know he does , he is struggling with this demon in his head , and right now I'm being weak and let it effect me , I know what you are saying and I appreciate it , he saved me , he has made me a better person , even with his faults , if it wasn't for him I would be a completely different person

Hi Holhol85

I'm still following your story. I agree entirely with the post of Cynical wife, your partner cannot be amazing and selfless while being a compulsive gambler, lying, cheating and wasting all that money made me a selfish waster with no thought for anyone else.

I do not see how your partner can give you everything while having this problem. You are on this forum looking for support because your partner has no doubt caused you untold stress, anxiety and many sleepless nights worrying.

Maybe he is your ideal man and a fantastic father but only without the gambling problem, how will you feel if you check his bank account occasionally and discover he has gambled loads of money, money that could have been used towards a lovely family holiday, a new car, mortgage payments etc. These are the the things that are part of a happy family, things will never improve long term until your partner accepts his problem and that includes giving you control of all finances.

I really do wish you well

what's wrong with me thinking the best ? To get me through this s**t ? It's the only thing I have right now ! Is believing he loves me , our family and our kids , In the meantime I will make provisions for my kids , it doesn't matter about me , keeping me safe , it matters about my kids ! That's all it is , I can deal with heartache if this ends , I can't deal with them being hurt and I will die protecting my girls ! People can change , yes granted they have to want to , but one day he will wake up , what's wrong with having hope ?? A life is better to live with hope than not ! In the mean time I will provide for my girls , knowing that I may not get my happy ending that I thought I wanted , I will have a different ending which will be happy non the less with Just me and my girls

Hi Holhol, sorry to hear you feeling so low 🙁

This is going to be another “ouch” but I have to warn you that I grew up in a household of addiction & it’s not a healthy place to be. Hope is fine but it won’t pay the bills or stop your loved ones feeling your pain...I hoped throughout my entire gambling career (nigh on close to 3 decades) that I would become rich & moreso that my mum would stop gambling. As she approaches her 70th year, a lifetime of lies, deceit, theft, manipulation & heartache, I’m guessing she too is hoping for a better life whereas I sought help, took myself off to GA, acted & now hope has nothing to do with money & everything to do with happiness!

I’m guessing you may feel under attack @ the moment but it’s only because people here really care & for many of us have finally accepted that burying our heads in the sand doesn’t make all the awful stuff go away.

An amazing man does not leave someone 4 weeks after a C section to go to Vegas 🙁

Somewhere along the line you’ve learned the wrong lessons, no criticism, join the club. Someone has taught you that you don’t matter, that it’s your role to sort out everyone else and that you don’t deserve to be treated well in an equal life partnership.The problem is, not only do you suffer for it, but the same lessons get taught to the next generation.

You matter. As for your kids, you need to be whole to provide for them. The best real life example of this is the drill on the plane about what to do if the oxygen masks come down. You need to put on your own mask first, otherwise you won’t physically be able to help anyone else. Try putting theirs on before yours and you’ll both pass out through lack of oxygen.

Hope is fine, denying reality stops you from doing what you need to do, to reach out for the help you need to heal yourself.

It’s not just about whether or not he loves you. Partnerships are two way, is what he gives you really enough for you (ie what he gives you as at today, not the fantasy of what he would give you if only he wasn’t a gambler)? He can love you in his own way, but if that love involves lying, cheating, taking family money, limiting you, etc, then why do you want to accept that brand of love?

Look after you.

CW

Yeah , you are all right , that's the problem, I don't want to admit this s**t , he loves that more than he loves us , we have been bad , one minute I'm talking to him, the next just ignoring him , I can't even bear to talk to him, feeling like my last 5 years have been a lie and constantly overshadowed by this s**t ! Even with the birth of our baby , I thought he would stop , it's pointless even having him deal with cash, I found out yesterday he borrowed 600 of someone he done orivate work for last year , he's going back there in 2 weeks to re pay what he borrowed , how utterly pathetic that he needs more time away from our baby whilst he pays this s**t back , I am full of anger and resentment , it's hard to keep cool now , who else does he owe ?? It's shameful , the lies he tells them to get the money also , if only they all knew , this is destroying him and he's too pig headed to see, instead tells me that my kids never go without, he even pulled the card of allowing me to not go back to work and that's the reason the kids don't have as much , let's not forget though that he doesn't barely have to have the baby as I'm always here and looking after her , only break I get is gym when my family have her , whilst he sits in the bath after work , or even when he's not working on his phone on online games , Iv made the decision to come clean to his dad now , just need to pick the right time , as j know he will finish with me , which is what I want now j think , but his family will know , and then he can step up and hopefully get help he needs by being shamed by it all , I have my job interview on weds , so j need to wait I think, I can't deal with pressure and not concentrate on this , as this is what I need to gain some financial freedom and live my own life . It's all so s**t , but couples end every day , Iv tried to help , I really have , so I can at least walk out of this with my head held hi ! Whatever lies he tells people to cover us splitting is down to him , the people who matter to me will know the reasons , I wanted to save my family and give us the best life , even up against this constantly for 5 years , Iv rebuilt my life twice already , I'll do it again , my girls will not live in a household where they see it's the norm to lie about everything all the time , it's not healthy

Hi Hol,

Hope you are doing ok? You seem to be sounding stronger with each post. It's such a rubbish situation to be in, and you are right, my ex cheating was probably a blessing in disguise as it gave me the kick up up the backside I needed to end things instead of living in limbo hoping he would change.

You getting yourself in a position to be independent for your girls is great. I think that's why I felt so rubbish as I too am a stay at home mum, and as everything happened so suddenly I felt panic about my future as a single parent as I had nothing in place. I also felt at times like I couldn't be mad at my ex's gambling as he was the one working and paying back debts. They can't see how that money could have gone on more important things.

Like many have said on here, don't feel bad about telling his family. I think the more people know, the more the CG has to face up to reality. This could be a good thing for your partner. If he does get mad it is probably because he's not ready to stop.

You are right, it's not normal for kids to grow up in a house full of tension where lies are the norm, everyday I see this more clearly.

Good luck with your job interview, and everything else, your girls are very lucky to have such a strong role model for a mum! X

o*g , reading your post is like living my life everyday . I am going through exactly the same process . Years of lies , money missing, my bank cards being used , etc etc . My husband has gambled £2500 since Xmas , he has pawned his wedding rings , a watch I bought for our engagement and my little girls laptop which breaks my heart. His reasons are always that he’s trying to protect me from stress and money worries and that it’s my fault because I’m unapproachable when it comes to money . I don’t understand their illness but it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one going through this horrible addiction

Thanks Stace ... It has all calmed down a bit , he has gone away for 3 weeks working which I think is well needed .... I have backed down on what I said ( standard ) but my position is awful at the minute with money , I need to get his job , then I can st least afford my rent if it does go the wrong way, he's agreed to self exclude ... Which I am hopeful with , and he is not taking cash out , it has been awful to be fair , but I need the break now , things have changed completely this time which is strange , I don't feel the same anymore , Iv told him he needs to get it under control because it's making me change towards him , normally I'm weak and backing down, this time Iv been angry , but not reacting , he's found it hard with me ignoring him and going cold , your comment did make me cry ... So thank you .... I need to be strong for the girls and concentrate on us , if he feels like he needs to carry on then he can , but he will be living a single life , you don't get both options ... Here's hoping there's some sort of light xx

Hi Rebecca... Sorry your going through it all ... In a way it's comforting to know we are not going crazy and it does happen to other people .... I thought I was the only one! It seems to have a massive grip on a lot of people, I often look about at these " perfect " relationships and wonder is it all so perfect? I never come across to my friends as struggling, they see a healthy relationship , not 1 in the grip of addiction , my close friends and family know , ( not my dad as his brother commited sucided through gambling , so I don't want to hurt him ) but everyone else must look in and think what a perfect life we have, that's what is so tragic I think , could we could have that if it wasn't for this , I get help via Breakeven , if you haven't got help yet I really would suggest it .... Although I can't control what he does , at least I'm no longer blaming myself ( I spent years thinking what I was doing to drive him to do this, or why I was triggering him ) me getting help has also stalled him doing it , as he knows I can't be manipulated by the excuses anymore , so me being a factor in him doing it is no longer brought up , I used to lash out at him when I found out , I don't anymore so that's helped me, it's so hard, and it's almost on my mind as much as I can imagine it being on his mind, it's a lonely place to be living with a partner who has it, this site helps me, I feel like no one else understand as they don't live with it , all my friends tell me to leave him , to give him ultimatums Ect, they mean well but they haven't gone through it, at least people here are living it , coping ( kind of ) I know I have bad days where I can't focus, I know it's not an easy fix , I just want him to try, he's self excluded from bookies, not dealing in cash no more, so that's a small step , I'm here if you want to rant , vent or cry over it .... Xx take care and try to look after yourself and your little one xx