Hi, so this is me taking the 1st step in trying to get some help. I will try to keep this short, I need some advice please.....
My husband is a compulsive gambler. Since I've known him he's enjoyed a flutter on a fruit machine, I often used to join him when we were younger (only like ВЈ10 or something small - then I would stop) we've been together nearly 14 years, married for 6, 2 young kids and everything that comes with (mortgage etc) i cannot list all the times I have found he has gambled else I would be here all day. It's usually only a couple of ВЈ100, the most I ever discovered was ВЈ1200 which made me feel physically sick. We have had various discussions about it in the past, he knows it upsets me and it makes me so angry that he can't stop. (I do understand its an addiction, but it can't carry on) We've tried me having his bank card etc and me checking his account weekly. But then after say a month I begin to trust him again and then slowly he starts all over again, it gets progressively worse each time untill I find out. I know when he's gambling as he hides his phone from me, never leaves it lying around etc. When I ask he lies to me, the other day he lied to me and said the cashier at the supermarket accidentally gave him ВЈ50 cashback instead of £5, so he used the cash to put fuel in the car. I drove the car a couple of days later after it had done a few miles to town and back and it was on empty! I've taken to checking his account secretly (which I hate doing but I feel I have to to protect our finances and our kids!!) I now know he deposited the cash into his account and gambled it. He's raided our savings account, our reward accounts and I just can't let it continue. We try so hard to save money, we would love a bigger house etc as currebtly renting (long story) what do I do? How to I broach the conversation? Last time he got mad at me for questioning it as he says it's his money (he's very much the bread winner of the relationship) but we made that decision as a family when we decides to have kids!
Sorry for the essay, I could go on but I just feel helpless. Please help. Thank you
Hi yellow bird sorry you are here but it's good you are seeking help. First thing you need to do is safeguard your money. No joint accounts, no access. You can download software to gadgets that blocks gambling sites, k9, gamban, google it. Credit checks too. So if you can see his accounts you have seen what he's doing. My cg used to get loans to gamble. He's in denial so if you ask he denies. I got my father in law to come and talk to him, didn't really help but got it 'out there'. For us being in control of finance meant his salary came straight to my account. That meant all bills and mortgage paid. Call gamcare they will give you advice on how to approach him. Don't believe what he says, don't trust him. This is forever. I thought my cg had stopped but he used lunch money and continued. Any savings they will gamble, so you have to take his name off or move to your sole name. It's tough but worth it. We go to GA and gamanon. Real life support for both of us. It sounds like he's chasing his losses which just leads to more debt. They just can't stop. Get help and support today. Good luck, keep posting here others will come on and give their experience.
Thank you so much, I need to wait till he's at work but I will definitely give them a call! I just feel like it's gone on too long now but I've tried every alley to get him to stop, except professional help! I've even threatened that I will leave him and locked him out the house when I found out once but at the end of the day I'm not going to leave him, we've got 2 beautiful kids and a life together that we've built. I love him and I don't want to give up on him. - and he knows that!! Which is maybe why he carries on...... who Knows. Thanks again, id love to hear anyone elses experiences too? Anyone challenged their partner on it? What if hes not willing to let me take charge of the finances?
Hi Yellowbird..
I'm sorry to hear about your husbands problem.
I'm a Compulsive gambler and whilst im in the early days of my 'latest' attempt at recovery I'm sorry to say that you are going to need to prepare yourself for some drastic action, which ultimately may mean you leaving your husband.
More positively you don't have to make such a decision right now but whilst you have clearly recognised the need to get some help, this is serious and there are consequences.
Sorry for butting in, I read your posts that you are specifically asking for the f&f help which is understandable and there are some truly amazing people sadly floating around this forum who have been affected by the choices of people like myself. MGR is one such individual who offers such fantastic perspective, Lethe, Cynical Wife are among some of the others.
As you have already identified your husband is lying directly to your face, even after his addiction has been discussed. I lied to my wife, I'm not even sure when that started but it was initially deflection, then excuses all of which eveolved into outright lies. I have gambled for over 20 years, with some breaks and with some very full on efforts at stopping. I spent £900 at one stage on 1-2-1 counselling, it helped and I abstained for a long while, then I brought a scratchcard and the slippery slope became a reality. I've been convinced for most of my twenty years of gambling that I would make things right - it's always been two years...two years away from being back on the straight and narrow. I've had wins, some big, inheritence and bail outs - all of which have essentially kept feeding the addiction. The amount I have managed to keep hidden from my wife is scary - very scary and she has really struggled to comprehend just how big my secret life was, we live in a tiny house, we have children, I work long hours, I've also managed to keep the wolf from the door in regards bills. Many times by the skin of my teeth. Ive kicked post under the sofa as she has come into the room and then sworn blind that there was no post or it was just a flyer.
I've spent money in her name, I've taken £30 out of the house money for petrol and then need to fill up the next day so have used her bank card - then blamed it on a delay in processing time and it must of been from a few days before. The lengths I've gone to are shameful, embarrasing and disgusting. I love my wife, my children. I've convinced myself on many occassions that I was making the decisions to give them a better life. Even now, being open and honest I can hear my inner voice telling me that was true. but was it. was it really the case or was it just another sign of my addiction, another excuse that I needed. I'm a very just person, I believe a lot in respect yet I've done all that and a whole lot more to my family. Honestly it is very hard at times to live with what I have done, very hard.
You need to think about you and the children, you need to put a lot of things in place to protect yourselves, financially and mentally. You don't need to make an immediate decision in regards your husband or your future as a couple but if you don't get things in place now it will only get worse, much worse.
I've written the following as if I'm talking to your husband, hopefully it makes sense to yourself as well. Apologies as well for the length of this post, especially if it's not welcomed from a CG.
Hi,
My name'd Dan, I'm a compuslive gambler and have been for over twenty years. My first bet was a classic 50p into £150 rank outsider that was the worst bet I ever placed. Ever since I have gambled, relentless at times, sporadic at others but ultimately always without control. I've felt stress I can't even begin to describe but It's been a vicious circle. I've made multiple promises to myself and those around me that I can control it, make things better and that I don't really have a big problem. The defaults, hidden bank accounts and late payments throughout my adult life tell a different story. payday loans were always seen as my money, in fact any 'credit' was available money. Not since I was 17 have I actually 'owned' any money, I've lived over twenty years in debt. I'm married and punching well above my weight, talking of which I'm a wreck of the man I used to be, bad teeth, bad hair, bad health, all ruined by neglect as I had an addiciton to feed. The wins have come and gone, inheritence has been spent. The deflection and secrecy morphed into outright lies, i've made so many quit attempts, I'd probably not have any debt if i'd actually stopped on any of the occassions I convinced myself I was going to. Your wife loves you, she loves the life you've created and the children you share. You have a chance here, she knows you gamble, she knows you're addicted. You have a chance to choose life - this is the t junction - she will listen, help and support you but you have to take some big steps to take advantage. You should go for a walk, along the beach, through the woods, then take a deep breath and get EVERYTHING out in the open, credit reports, hidden secrets, the ways you gamble, the hidden you needs to be exposed and you need to stand naked in front of your wife and a mirror, you need to bare your sole and reset. Reach out for help, there is some amazing support out there, you need to take it. Confessing does not mean burdening your wife with additional tasks, you need to take responsibility, you need to sort out whatever mess you are in, you need to take actions, the sooner the better.
I am only 160 gamble free but for the first time in my adult life I am being honest, completely open and transparent. I have a long way to go, a lot of hills and valleys to cross but I have a chance. My marriage might not survive, I may have done too much damage - not financially, although that remains a mess but mentally. I am a liar, deceiptful and maniupalative but I'm also not the man I know I should be or the man I know I want to be. I'm trying to do all I can to be someone my children can respect. I hope I manage that and I hope that helps save my marriage, if it doesn't I won't allow that to throw me back off track, it will be another consequence of my previous choices and one I have to deal with. Right now though I can only control my actions today. And today I am choosing to not gamble.
I wish you well with your addiction and I hope you find a way of making better choices than you are at the moment
regards
Dan
Hi,
Sorry to be brutal but do you understand the danger that you're in? Unchecked, addiction is progressive, things get worse and lower and lower lows are reached. If he's not willing to let you take charge of the finances and you accept that without seeking to protect yourself and the children, then you and they will be dragged down with him. Your rmortgage money will be gambled and you will lose your home, bill money will be gambled and food money will be gambled and you will end up being liable for his debts. (if that's not happening yet, it will if the addiction remains unchecked for long enough.) You have a say in all this, your children don't.
It's precisely because he knows that you would never leave him that allows him to ignore your threats and carry on. No one else can tell you to end the relationship or not to - that's your call. But you should understand what you can and can't achieve . You didn't Cause the gambling, you can't Control the gambling and you can't Cure the gambling. There's nothing that you can say or do to make him gamble or make him stop. But you can consider your responses. You can control you, what you do or don't do, what you'll accept and won't, you can learn how to set and enforce boundaries. You can move your focus from obsessing about what he's doing to clear decisions about how you want to live your life. If you dedicate your life to trying to take care of an addict, what's in it for you? If you want to be a homeowner, what's stopping you from being secure?
The starting point is to get help and support for you, from the Helpline, from GamAnon. Keep the focus on you, look after you. He's an adult, he may want you to do for him what he should do for himself but it's not healthy.
CW
Thank you Dan, very open and honest, I really appreciate you taking the time to write all that. A great message for me to maybe one day show him too! Thank you! I too wish you well with everything. Take care x
Cynical wife wrote:
Hi,
Sorry to be brutal but do you understand the danger that you're in? Unchecked, addiction is progressive, things get worse and lower and lower lows are reached. If he's not willing to let you take charge of the finances and you accept that without seeking to protect yourself and the children, then you and they will be dragged down with him. Your rmortgage money will be gambled and you will lose your home, bill money will be gambled and food money will be gambled and you will end up being liable for his debts. (if that's not happening yet, it will if the addiction remains unchecked for long enough.) You have a say in all this, your children don't.
It's precisely because he knows that you would never leave him that allows him to ignore your threats and carry on. No one else can tell you to end the relationship or not to - that's your call. But you should understand what you can and can't achieve . You didn't Cause the gambling, you can't Control the gambling and you can't Cure the gambling. There's nothing that you can say or do to make him gamble or make him stop. But you can consider your responses. You can control you, what you do or don't do, what you'll accept and won't, you can learn how to set and enforce boundaries. You can move your focus from obsessing about what he's doing to clear decisions about how you want to live your life. If you dedicate your life to trying to take care of an addict, what's in it for you? If you want to be a homeowner, what's stopping you from being secure?
The starting point is to get help and support for you, from the Helpline, from GamAnon. Keep the focus on you, look after you. He's an adult, he may want you to do for him what he should do for himself but it's not healthy.
CW
Thank you CW xx
When you met 14 years ago the UK was a different place when it comes to Gambling, betting shops would open at 10-11am and close 30 minutes after the last race, so in the winter 4pm close, Fruit Machines were 25p a spin, no online gambling sites(I dont think so anyway) no adverts on TV regarding gambling(I dont think so anyway). Today Gambling is all aroud us fueled by fat cats wanting all our cash not our spare disposable income, ALL OF IT, so we borrow and carry on and carry on, more and more. Today a lot of betting shops open at 7am and close at 10pm, online gambling is everywhere, and you can do it anywhere. I would play slots and roulette in my car and knew where all the good 4G spots were too (how sad is that). Your husband is just caught in the trap, like so so many of us, I urge you to watch with him the documentary on addiction posted on here a few days ago it will help him hopefully understand how the real game works, and hopefully something will click, there is always only one winner in the gambling game. Good luck. Keep us posted.
Thanks I will watch that....
Another question if that's ok.....my husband works full time, long hours, and brings home 80% of our total household income. Theres no way i could afford even the rent on our house on my salary alone, let alone every other bill. I can't help but feel I have no right to demand sole custody of the finances and his bank acc. He works hard..... why do I feel guilty about it?
I was the same, when I was with my ex wife she was excellent with money management and how to save etc, she knew I liked to gamble, go racing etc, but it was controlled she had control over finances and I was the main bread winner too, we got divorced in December 2014, we split stuff up and unfofunately for me this relased the gambling beast in me which was under control. All the savings well a big chunk of it gone on gambling I thought I had it under control wins, loses but eventually that little nest egg I had was gone. Got a loan, bought a few things but the majority was unfortunatly gambling, another loan, gone and it went on Idone some other stuff cleared myself, but kept gambling, Got another massive loan in July and now its all gone, I hit the bottom last month and came here, 5 years to pay it back. I am determined to never gamble again. It's not your husbands fault, tell him to read this, tell him you want him to stop, as Gambling will take you down a path neither you, your husband and kids will ever want too see. We all get bored in life, but we dont talk and we will always blame anyone but ourselves, and a Gambling Mind will promise a way out, there is no way out ( a £1 stake to win what £100-200) what you need to do is look at your kids and let them look up to you and your husband, tell him to kick gambling, by any means neccesary, for your kids, for your happiness, Gambling will ruin his life if he does not admit he has a problem, its the reality that many of us one day think, Gambling has beaten me. Therefore I'm Out.
You shouldn't feel guilty about protecting yourself and your children's future. It's also for his good as much as anything, sounds like he just wants to win everything back and without access to money he will be unable to do this. The reality is the debts will mount if he doesn't stop, or hand over control.
Good luck!
Hi yellow bird, no no no. Do not feel guilty. You will save the house, trust me . When all money was gone my cg got loans, loans we could not pay. Do not underestimate this addiction. The deal is finances to you and go to GA. No choice. You may find your 20%is all that's left. Do not ever feel guilty. Does he feel guilty gambling your future together? You have to do this. Another day could be another £50k! That's no joke. Show him CGs letter today. He needs to realise you know and it has to stop. I ignored it, didn't realise thought £50k in loans was enough to make anyone stop. Boy was I wrong. I've had finances for last 15 years. I have taken my eye off him, trusted him to my regret. They will gamble anything if they are not actively fighting this addiction. This is to help you, not scare you. You have to act, you have to safeguard yourself. They can't see for the fog of gambling, the desire, the addiction. Good luck!
Hi ,
If he's willing to try and stop he should be willing to do everything he needs to . If he can't control his own finances you should take over for him. Remember that although he's the bread winner you're married and both adults are equal, I'm guessing you're more proactive on the family side of things and that doesn't have a price or do you receive a pay packet for it. Unfortunately controlling the finances is only the tip of the iceberg because a gambler will always find a way. There's literally tons of ways to gamble even without your finances . I won't put them here because of obviously giving ideas but you need to scrutinise everything you can think off including phone bills, PayPal accounts and so on, if he wants help point him in this direction because the forum is full of ideas and people who will point the way
Thank you everyone! I'm hoping to talk to him tonight once the kids are in bed! Wish me luck!
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