Feeling so low...

Hi, kinger. Thank you for talking to me, you have hit the nail on the head really he does want to provide but it is for his mother and not always me. He is the oldest son from an Indian family and I think something is kicking off but he hasn't told me just know he has been phoning a lot. I actually have gambling and his mother put before me

even though she is on the other side of world.

He was spending hours in the bookies (up to 8 hours sometimes) and it did cause arguments eventually I did what you said I wrote a letter explaining how upset I was that he spent so much time out whilst i'm left waiting in for him. I put the letter in his lunch box and at his break he texted me he wanted to make me happy and that he was sorry and would spend his time with me. This he actually did but it was really stressful as he was like a caged animal desperate to get out. He did this for 3 weekends then off he went again saying he would only be an hour..... when I spoke to him about it he said surely I didn't mean forever....... always feel like I am just going in circles

He told me 2 weeks ago he was leaving and had spent all afternoon looking for somewhere and his friend had helped him, when I asked his friend this was not the case, I explained what was going on (some he already knew) He said he would have a chat to him and think he has which is why my husband is really angry with me. Think he is mad I told him but he hasn't said. Just wish he would try and see what this is doing to me ...His answer is always to leave..

Think I will not nag and just see what happens but carry on as normal and let him get on with it, not sure anyone has ever stood up to him .

Hi Kinger, think you have hit the nail on the head, he does want to provide but unfortunately it is his mum who has priority , he sends money (occassionaly) to her and i know something is happening as he has been constantly on the phone to her, the problem i have with this is he will send our last penny to her and she already has more money than us in her bank. He gambles our money to make some to send home.

I also did write a letter to him a couple of weeks ago how hurt i was that he spent so much time in the bookies with friends than he did with me, sometimes over 8 hours a day.Not always gambling but definately drinking. I put it in his lunch box and he must have read it on his break because he texted me straight away saying he wanted to make me happy and would spend his time with me and he was sorry, he did this for 3 weekends then went back to the bookies, when i said he wasn't going to do that he just said he didn't think i meant forever....it was quite stressful really as he was like a caged animal pacing around, i was on tender hooks worrying he was going to make an excuse and disappear.

I did speak to a friend of his and i think he knows and is mad about that as well. He said a few weeks ago he was going to leave and had spent all afternoon looking for somewhere to move to with his friend, i asked this friend and it was not true, i explained what was going on and he said he would have a word with him and i think he did on sunday and now he seems really cross.

I think again you are right there is nothing i can do untill he decides but am not prepared to carry on being treated like this, i will stop nagging as it only ends with me getting upset, going to let him get on with it....

One thing he keeps saying is wait till the weekend, well that is when he is paid and i have his card so he has no way of getting to his wages, i was just going to give him £40 again, is this still a good idea or should i hand over the card, think he is going to want it as really feel he owes someone some money and will want to pay them back. Don't want to but think he will really kick off and we will be back to a silent week....oh dear so many problems it's so hard...

Sorry for giving you a whole essay once i get going i just don't stop do i ...

SORRY printed it again as thought it hadn't posted

All got a but confusing the forum hiccup didn't it?

Well this is just to say I will be thinking of everyone thus weekend, which I know is a time so many if you dread, stick to your guns, we will all get through it all together, we don't know what the outcomes will be, but we will get each other through in one piece. Chin up!

Well here i am after a horrible day again. Got of to a good start with me breaking the ice (again) and trying to sort our marriage. His wages weren't paid into the bank and i wondered if they would as i had got his card ends up he organised being paid by cash...he collected his money this morning apparently which would explain why his mood changed.He was however consantly asking for his card and won't discuss our marriage.

This afternoon i followed him into town to see what he would be doing (didn't know at this stage he had been paid ) and saw him go to his friends shop, who he does work for as well, when he came out he went straight to the bookies so must have got some money from him, (actually asked his friend who confirmed he had, i was livid they don't have to live with it do they ...) i went into the bookies and he actually was pleased to see me and invited me over !!! so i walked out, he eventually came out all happy as he had won and gave me £350 and said put it in the bank, i'm not at all happy and probably had a face like thunder but he is on a high, he then told me about his wages and then that he has £200 to pay a friend back ....great !!!, i go home and leave him to wait for his friend, he then phones me to get something to eat say ok but he must be there (to often i turn up and am left waiting for him to arrive ) well his not there, busy talking to a friend... i'm fed up and tell him i'm going, He kicks off at me shouting and swearing in front of everyone, ends up in us going home, can smell the alchol on him, nows his shouting he wants his money back and he is definately leaving this time and i have no more chances.....i'm trying to explain he needs to think more about me also told him how much i care about him and only looking out for him...now he is out somewhere half drunk and no money.

Seems his behaviour depends on how much money he has in his pocket. He gets so cross but tells me i'm wrong, maybe i should have waited but just feel he never thinks he even said "am i suspose to wait on the street" well yes he's expecting me to...acts like his god because he gave me his gambled money which i actually don't want but won't give it back as he will gamble and buy more drink....people giving him money don't realise what i have to put up with...its hell

Had enough now think he will have to go.

I have just spoken to the helpline, a lovely lady how i waffled and waffled to (poor lady, got my whole married life story) anyway she said i need councilling so am off to my doctors monday morning (well afternoon, receptionist is horrible in the morning) and get the ball rolling. He is still out and think he is staying out tonight ...

Feel better for pooring my heart out....and she was fair said maybe i was a little controlling with the money which i hadn't thought of but maybe she was right definately felt safer when i had it thats for sure but now thinking about it although he does let me down and lies about money he does eventually give me some i just don't like the way he goes about it......hum something to think about.

You've done the right thing lovely, saving your own sanity is the first and really the only thing you can do. Let go, don't worry about it for now, hot chocolate and a good film and some sleep. Well done 🙂

Hi Lovely

Hmmmm..... The counsellor said that you were a 'little controlling' with money? That is exactly what you should be AND have to be! I would definitely disagree with her on that score.While ever he has access to money, he will gamble. Fact.

Unlesss he gets some help with his gambling, and agrees to counselling/GA, nothing will change.

Be totally open with your counsellor and you will feel much, much better. They need to know everything so they can guide you towards the correct path. Take care of number one...YOU.

Take care

That bothered me too Wal, only last night Mr P was joking how he is like royalty now, he has no money of his own, he just announces that he needs something and it normally appears. My control of the finances is total and none of us would have it any other way, so "a little controlling" is an understatement.

It also bothers me that the phrase "a little controlling" has such negative connotations, when control is so necessary. I hope the counsellor chooses their words more carefully.

I didn't think i was being controlling but he use to have to ask for money infact he use to pester me which is why when he first swopped the banks over i felt a little relief from it thinking he could have the stress for a while but how wrong and stupid was i, woken up this morning exhausted but will try and stay positive.

He didn't come home so expect he will either come back and not speak to me or take his things.

The councillor hardly said anything infact at one time thought she had nodded off..lol...but she was very kind, i explained all sorts of things that had gone on thinking it wasn't gambling related but actually it was mainly based around money but i realised that as i was talking it was becoming clear to me. Didn't want to make it that it was all his doing and that i gave as good as i got but she was very nice.

Also just realised how high he gets when he has money in his pocket and how vile and moody he is when he doesn't, had never put the two together... just as well really as i'd probably made sure he had money all the time just to stop him getting angry!! my....that could have been really expensive!!!

All starts to get clearer when you start talking doesn't it?
I can still gets little pangs of pain when I realise yet another thing from my past was actually all about his gambling, silly things like uniform he had had to replace and we paid for it, but then realising I never saw it. This is the hard but for me, what a fool he made of me, how daft I was not to know sooner, silly mistakes I made thinking I was helping. Its not his gambling that hurt, in the end, its about me and how much of my life he wasted and the time I spent letting myself be exploited. But GAM anon, counsellors, they help you see it all even more clearly, and help you understand that it wasn't the fault if people like us that this happened, tears and anger don't bring the past back. What's done is done, it just is what it is. And then after a while, it was what it was and you move on, a bit scarred but much much stronger.

Hi Lovely

During the early days of my recovery I saw 3 psychologists / counsellors. I just didn't 'gel' with the first one, I was very uncomfortable. The second person I saw I thought was telling me things I wanted to hear, not what I needed to hear. The 3rd person was 'just right'. 🙂 Just like goldilocks and the 3 bears, I had found my match. The difference was amazing. I opened up, felt totally at ease, even with the tough questions. He didn't say too much, but was able to steer me in the right direction. That is my idea of counselling. Through my own reasoning, via his persistent questioning, I was able to sort out my issues. I understood my issues and how to correct / attack the problems because I now understood them.

To gain any benefits from the counselling sessions you have to be willing to open up, feel comfortable with the counsellor, and trust the counsellor. If you don't have confidence in the counsellor I would suggest that you ask for a different person. Sometimes the reason could simply be that your personalities just don't 'click'.

Remember that you are the most important person here. Don't be concerned about hurting anybody's feelings. Look out for number one.

Take care

PS... Pangolin, I was pleased to read that you also had concerns re the 'controlling' message from the counsellor. You definitely have to take control of the finances, otherwise you would eventually/always end up with nothing in the bank. 🙁

I dont think it was a counsellor was it? Surely it was just a gamcare advisor. A trained counsellor wouldnt offer an opinion like that on an initial chat.

Hi day@atime

OOPS! You are right. Lovely was speaking to a lady on the helpline. Not a trained counsellor. I should have read her post more carefully, my mistake.

Yesterday after spending the night away he came and collected somethings, took forever considering it was a tiny bag. I gave him a talking to about how relieved i was feeling not having him around, how just in one day i had got my energy back, plus now he was free to do whatever he liked without me following him, he could also buy the deals on Bacardi in the supermarkets!!! something i won't let him do. I was so calm it was unreal and he listened for once. Told him to leave as i was going out and off he went. Within 5 mins he phoned me, "i don't want to leave, i don't want to be without you " told him ok when i get back i will met him and talk, which we did. Now he is back on a trial basis. When he gets paid we will discuss what is coming up for the week and what money is needed. He will not have the card but only small cash so temptation isn't in the way. Giving this a fortnight trial to see how it goes. Was so surprised in the turn around in him, thought it would never happen but putting it into action maybe harder i am fully aware of that. Have pointed out i am happy to be by myself so if he starts to be all abusive and controlling again he is gone.

You are right Pangolin kept going over all the lies isn't helpful as it makes me want to start argueing with him, i told him yesterday i am aware of all the lies he has told me and reminded him of a few ..... he actually doesn't like to hear it but tough really....i will try to not throw it back at him but have told him i also need time to trust him and he needs to allow for that so lets see how it goes.

I am still going to go to a councillor to discuss my feelings which i think my help me as we do have other issues i need to sort out.