I will no longer allow gambling to ruin my life….

Dear Diary

Sorry it has been a while since I posted. As per, my life has been a rollercoaster mess but seeing as my stupid body clock won’t seem to let me sleep past 4am, now seems like a good time to start catching up.

I’ll also be sure to message everyone that has reached out separately. Thank you all x

Day 6

I definitely woke up feeling slightly better on Friday but remember having (the only way I can think to describe it), is a lurking feeling of Doom.

Then at around midday, I received an email basically informing me that I was being made redundant but I was being offered a pretty decent redundancy package. I had a wave of emotions. The settlement wouldn’t be enough to clear all of my debts (nowhere near) but it would help. Also, what else would I do, how long will it take me to get employed again. Would I be able to find a role that offers as much WFH as my current job. And finally, would I be able to resist a lump sum in my bank account when my urges whilst having no money are strong.

I fell asleep so early on Friday. My brain had been thinking so hard throughout the day that I literally knocked out around 7pm.

At least I didn’t gamble….

Day 7

I made it a week G/f!! 🥳

I believe my longest time of abstinence is 18 days but a week still felt good.

I would pretty much gamble on any day of the week but a Friday and Saturday (today) are always the most worrying. To boot, I had this stressor of redundancy on the brain and wasn’t sure if I’m happy or sad about it. My partner could sense the tension so suggested a romantic dinner out. It was exactly what I needed (and couldn’t afford). I, for some unknown reason insisted on paying and felt a lump come up in my throat as I presented my phones wallet for payment. But then I thought, what the hell is wrong with you Em!!. The amount I spent on the entire dinner (Inc drinks) was in the region of my ‘first’ deposit on a Friday night and I wouldn’t think twice about that or the 50 more deposits I load up over the next 24 hours.

I had a lovely evening and remembered what it was like to actually have a bit of healthy fun. By the time I got home at 10pm, I was completely wiped (and slightly tipsy) so I literally crashed into bed and didn’t stir until the morning.

Day 8

Not much to report. I spent the majority of the day in bed nursing a hangover and watching trash TV but being really glad that for the first time in a long time on a Sunday, I wasn’t waking up in a foggy haze of 30+ heavy gambling deposits and crippling regret. Sunday marked exactly a week since I rejoined Gamcare. That Sunday I spent the entire day trawling diaries not wanting to feel so alone. I don’t want to be there ever again.

All in all, I didn’t even have any urges to gamble over the weekend but not for a minute will I become complacent.

Em x

Day 9

I woke up next to my partner who has been trying to stay with me as much as possible. 

Not being alone does help me. I decided to accept the redundancy package which I believe will be paid with my wages at the end of this week. I actually think it’s time for a new/ fresh start and I’m looking forward to that.

I did have thoughts of gambling today. Fleeting thoughts of how quick it take to triple my settlement figure. What I need to remember is how quickly any/ all winnings are zapped and I’m left feeding my own money again and losing a small fortune. 

I have so much work on this week and I’m still trying to play catchup on admin from the last few months.

Ive been making lists and I really enjoy ticking things off it. I’m certain I have OCD in some capacity🤣

Anyway got through manic Monday with 9 days G/f! Feeling proud 🥲 

Em x

Well done Em! I've been checking regularly to see if you had gotten round to posting and of course worrying that things had gotten too much into a relapse.  So well done 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👍 honestly over the moon your now 9 days in and still focussed.  Sorry to hear about the redundancy that sucks a lot but you should be proud with how you have handled it and how your facing it. You might be right a fresh start might really help. Maybe look to your partner to help out with the plan for the redundancy pay out just so your not tempted. The amount of times I've been there looking at my balance thinking il just round down my wage and take the £83.53 so don't let that mind set creep in! 

Your smashing it Em proud of you! 

Hey Em

So glad you're back here and a huge well done for still being gf!!

Sorry to hear about your redundancy, but you know what I'm a great believer in things happen for a reason, this could be the start of better things for you

We'll done again.....I reached day 10 today, the fog has definitely started to lift, I'm feeling so much better

We've got this girl!! 💪 

Dear Diary

I am in a complete mess! Why?! Because obviously I have been relapsing solidly for the last 5 months. In fact, I can’t even credit myself by calling it relapsing. I have been gambling almost every weekend since January and the outcome… Tens of thousands of pounds in more debt. 

I cannot write much today by way of an explanation because I am physically, emotionally and mentally in a terrible place but about an hour ago, I did something that I am pretty sure will prevent me from being able to gamble again and right now I don’t know whether to feel elated or whether I just ruined the only chance of me getting out of the financial rut I have got myself into without serious repercussions.

Today I can’t read anyone else’s diary’s or comment on anything. I may not be able to do that for a while. I just know I’m going to need somewhere to write down my daily feelings of utter devastation for a while.

Tomorrow every single one of my bills will bounce. I have nobody else to ask to lend me money and I have been refused multiple payday loans. My partner has promised to stand by me but is already in debt due to trying to repeatedly bail us both out. I fear that the rest of my nearest and dearest will soon find out and I am shaking and sick with fear. I don’t have anymore words for today but this time, I promise I’ll be back because this really is my rock bottom. For f*** sake!! I choose LIFE!

Day 1.

What is rock bottom

I realise over my decades of repulsive gambling and self sabotage, that I have used that little phrase ‘rock bottom’ all too freely. The amount of times I have declared myself as hitting ‘rock bottom’ is vast. In my earlier gambling years I could have spent 10hrs straight in a slot shop and leave declaring myself hitting ‘rock bottom’ because that felt like a ridiculous amount of time to spend in a dingy premises that walking out of made me feel like a vampire. Or I could lose a grand within 24 hrs and say I had hit rock bottom because that felt like a lot of money at the time. Needless to say ‘rock bottom’ is relative and everyone’s ’rock bottom’ is different. A millionaire probably wouldn’t hit rock bottom from blowing 10k in one bet at their local bookies.

Yesterday and today I have truly realised what the meaning of ‘rock bottom’ looks like personally to me.

‘Rock bottom’ for me is no way out without serious repercussions and that is what I am going through today. There’s no more loved ones for me to borrow money from, there’s no more overdraft or credit facilities, there’s no more instant pay day loans (at ridiculous interest rates) or big redundancy cheques hitting my bank in a week. There’s currently no salary, no food, no way to pay my rent or minimum payments of the crazy amounts of money I’ve already borrowed.

1st June 2025, I realised what rock bottom TRULY looks like for me. I’m staring right at it, drowning in it and I am absolutely certain that only now, I will have a fighting chance of beginning my recovery.

The reason for this is that I finally had/ have no where to go with my gambling, if I could have pulled more money from anywhere on Sat evening/ Sun morning, I would have. My absolute desperation to try and claw back even a smidgen of my losses caused me to finally lose every penny I had available. As I was desperately repeatedly raking out every last penny from every funding source I had, I recall having the mindset, what’s an extra £200 going to do considering the position im in. £200 wont even touch the sides of all my debts but if I credit it into an online slot casino, then I at least I do have a chance of the ‘big win’ that we all obsessively ponder over. That will fix everything….

‘Bang’, in goes another £200 deposit, just for me to spin aimlessly and lose overall another £1880 total, finally leaving me with not a penny to my name and finally no way of getting any more money to literally throw down the bog!

You see the thing is, that was why I did it. That is why I kept going back to gambling… I had the time and I had some finances  left (albeit dribbles of more credit).

There is only one slight silver lining to my personal ‘rock bottom’ and that is that there is nowhere else to go but up! Now this is why I finally ripped the plaster off and realised that I could permenantly destroy the only funding source I can actively deposit with (due to all the previous blockers put space. I am hoping that having truly hitting ‘rock bottom’ or ground zero will finally give me the time and space I need to have to stop for a while.

Ramblings of a crazy person… Probably.

Em x

Hi Em

I'm so sorry to be reading this, not heard from you for a while and really hoping you was OK

The only way is up girl, you've tried the chasing we all have but we end up further in the preferable s£%t

Just here if you need a chat/rant/support

Xx

@traceyj How nice to see a familiar name! I tried to do so many searches for you but it looked like you hadn’t posted since Feb and I worried you had met the same fate as me. Really glad that you are well. I hope you are ok….

Everything feels pretty raw right now. Even within 24hrs, I am already craving the dopamine hit that gambling gives me. I suppose I’m looking for an escapism but to be so ready to go back at it so close to the devastation caused makes me realise how ill I am 🙁

Today I’ve been flitting through relief, then anger, sadness then fear, before full circling and wanting to gamble again. Just madness….

Tell me how you have been? I pray your journey since I can across you in January has been far more successful than mine.

Em x

Day 2

This morning I woke up feeling as wretched as I did yesterday. I spent the entire day yesterday going between loathing gambling and then thinking it still may be my saviour, desperate to place a bet but with what?! Unless these vile places have started accepting shirt buttons I’m literally all out!

I also spent a good portion of my day yesterday watching gambling documentaries. I find them comforting and reassuring that if others can turn their life around, why can’t I.

Yesterday evening, out of the blue I had an offer of a substantial loan come through from a company I used a few years back to do some home improvements. My credit is so shot but I thought I may as well try… it came back pre approved but then said final checks need to be done. I’m not holding my breath but if I am successful, it will be enough to cover most of my imminent and serious debts. Just in case the money was to land unexpectedly, I’ve given control of my bank to my partner. I can’t be trusted.

I feel like the universe has bailed me out so many times before, only for me to sink right back in to old and unhealthy patterns that I don’t deserve a blessing. I am in the hands of fate but today I will not gamble.

Em

Hey Em

So..... I too have relapsed 3 times in 6 months, 2 were minor one was quite a loss.  I've been having 1-2-1 counselling which has really helped, finding triggers of why I do it and general support.  My counsellor did say relapse is part of recovery and don't punish myself.

I put all blocks in place so I couldn't gamble, but my son has an account and he monitored and only let me deposit minimal amounts, but to help me he's now blocked his card....I was a bit like really, why?? 

But it's done me the hugest favour ever

It's hard and yes sometimes I do miss it, but I prefer to have a small amount of money and no stress, I can sleep, eat and not feel constantly sick with worry

You've got this girl, it will be hard, but like me you just have to say no more, the chasing gets you into more debt and more worry

Let's be honest if you won 5k tonight, would you bank it...probably not

Always here if you need a chat xx

Good luck xx

@traceyj Hey Tracey

Sorry to read about your relapses. It’s insane that after we do everything to put blockers in place for ourselves, we then think about who else we can use. In Jan when I came back here after years of being away from the Gamcare forum, I remember feeling far more distraught, tearful etc than I do now. I don’t know if I’m still in shock but I feel numb. Today, I have gone into survival mode, writing pages of plan A, B and C to try and prevent bankruptcy. I suppose it feels good to be using my resourcefulness for something other than spinning reels.

We were days apart before and we’re both back here again. There’s obviously something quite tenacious about us both and the fact that we keep fighting says a lot about our character (well that’s what I’m telling myself)! 

Just for today I did not gamble and despite feeling numb emotionally, the craving to chase is WILD so I’m proud. You should be too! 

You have a friend here Tracey. No matter what, even if I fall again (which I’m going to try super hard not to do), i’ll keep coming back.

Em x

Day 3

So without my knowledge, over the last 10 days my partner applied for 3 separate payday loans. One apparently came in on the same day and the other 2 were approved and hit his bank Monday 2nd June. Without me knowing, he put the whole lot into my bank to cover my monthly outgoings. I do not deserve him.

The loan I applied for still hasn’t come back to me which is frustrating as they promised to let me know within 24hrs.

Today another credit facility that I used last weekend, took back the money I spent. Thanks to my partner (and those payday loans) there was just enough to cover that too. If I am lucky enough to be extended any further credit, I will insist he takes everything and pays those payday loans off immediately as I know how damaging they can be on one’s credit file.

This morning he looked at me and said “we’re a team Em”. I am a terrible person and I hate what I’ve put him through.

If nothing else I have to fight this disease for him. Today is day 3 and I admit defeat, I will no longer chase.

From 1st June 2025 I chose love

From 1st June 2025 I chose life.

Em x

Reading through your diary and I do worry for you, I went years and years as you did quitting relapsing, quitting relapsing i resorted to stealing at my lowest point and didnt care, and like you every big loss was my rock bottom and every next morning was my day 1.  I do not think the payday loans are going to help as you are still finding money you don't have to fund bills you cant pay, I know the bills have to be paid, and i know you don't have another financial source but the loans can turn into just as big of a hole as the gambling losses.

Maybe try stepchange or the citizens advice for advise on how to handle your outgoings after your gambling habit and give yourself room to breathe for a couple of months, the interest on those loans is criminal, most companies will give you a few months breathing space, with minimum payments some even just a £1 week, then once you are stronger you only have the bills to pay and not the loans and interest, it can be a vicious circle and I know because I have been there, my unsuccesful recovery lasted 6 years of my 10 years of gambling and the more I tried to recover the worse it got.

I dont know why this time is different but I am 80 days gamble free today, my partner has full control of my finances and I have put payment plans in place with all my priority bills, stepchange dealt with the payday loan companies (there was a lot) and I pay them all £5 a month. its early days but we are already starting to feel more comfortable financially and our plan puts our priority bills back on track by November, please dont just get help for your addiction get help for your finances as that is a huge trigger for all of us, and please please try to stop relying on payday loans x  x x