Feeling so low...

I've been wanting to write on here for sometime but feel so stupid, all that i wrote in the last comment never happened, he didn't hand over his card but swore he would pay me the house keeping money on time and the full amount. Well that lasted a few weeks, then it was i'll pay you half then give you more next week, the next week still not getting paid the full amount. I know he has been gambling as he won and i found it all in his work bag, wasn't sure how to handle the situation, should i say something and let it cause an arguement or do i leave it and know he will waste it and feed it back into "Roulette" i ended up saying something, he lost his temper because i had snoped in his bag, told him he gives me no choice..... he did give me some of it for saving but the week later i decided to go out on the friday, something i don't usuually do as he has just been paid but decided i would, well he gambled all his wages but also some extra money, he felt so awful he said to have his card for the next 2 weeks and keep all the money which i did but the 2 weeks are up now and he took the card back and already i think he is wasting it, he said he isn't as he promised his mum !!! (really, that gets to me as well, why because he promised her what about promising me !!)

I'm so sick of it why do i end up having the sleepless nights whilst he is snoring his head off ? i dread the weekends he is usually so stroppy (me to i expect) strangly he was lovely when he was feeling so guilty.

Sorry i know no one has the answer and i am just moaning and really i should put up or shut up but it is so frastrating .

I know what i am going to do, let him give me the house keeping money and then not worry about what he does with the rest, then if he gets stuck i will not bail him out but let him get on with it, will be tough but am going to do it. I can already see the day coming when he hasn't left enough for his train ticket and he will pester me and probably blame me for him not getting to work or he will tell me he will add it to the next weeks housekeeping and then not do it.

God this life stinks sometimes but i know i over think things and am then already boiled up before they have even happened.

Sorry so much waffle, i know what i have to do and let him get on with it till he decides for himself and i'm sure that day will come but i am going to stop being a push over. Why am i dreading it ?? why am i the tired one ???

So sorry had to get it off my chest....

Hi lovely, never fear coming back here...Especially because it's not you who has broken the new rules! He is still using you but that said, as long as he pays you the housekeeping, you are better off than you were before! My mother is a CG too & as she keeps pointing out, it's her money. Well yes, it is, until it runs out then anyone's money will do! Have you sat down & asked him about the empty promises he made when he packed his bag or are you scared of a row? No one can make any decisions for you but you need to be honest with yourself & decide if you can live with the unrest or whether you turn back a couple of months to where you were. Unless he gets into recovery, that day where he runs out will come, I can assure you. Probably better off he isn't making you the false promises he's giving his mum, @ least he's giving you that respect!

Be strong & do what is right for you - ODAAT

Hi, Lovely

Sorry to hear that he's still at it but do remember the basic advice about doing what it takes to look after yourself and protecting your finances as far as you can.

Others have commented that any gambling at all fuels the addiction and the gambling mentality. You might need to consider tough love but that's for you to decide. You can't choose whether or not he gambles but you don't have to stay in the relationship whilst he does. Rock and hard place sort of choice but still a choice.

Take care.

CW

Hi Lovely

While he still has access to money, and is unwilling to hand over his cards to you, he will continue to gamble. Taking away his access to money is one of the fundamental things to do to assist him in stopping gambling.

During my initial recovery, my brother inlaw allocated me an allowance from my wage, and had access to my accounts for monitoring purposes. I retook control of my finances after about 18 months had passed, but 7 years later and he still has access to my accounts, thus he will know if I am gambling.

Are you still talking to your counsellor? Have you gone along to a GAMANON meeting? I know that coming on here and having a rant 🙂 is good for you, but being able to talk with someone is much better. Take care of number one in these situations.

Think through your situation carefully. Be prepared to go through with whatever action you threaten to take. ie. Do NOT make idle threats. An idle threat is just that, a threat, and once he realises that, he will take advantage of the sign of weakness.

Take care

I will stick to what i say as i feel it will make him realise the situation, it is like teaching a child and i've done that twice so once more won't hurt. He won't hand over the card, i always had his card and he was given an allowance till his brother told him it should be round the other way !! so he had his wages paid into another account, wouldn't mind but his brother lives over the other side of the world and doesn't have the foggest what goes on over here but it was what my husband wanted to hear...

I often remind him that it was him that wanted to stay in the marriage and him that didn't want to leave and that i am quite happy without all this agro. His threats of leaving have stopped as all i say is theres the door, he often in his arguements use to want some euro money that we have, bit random i know but it's a few hundred, so eventally one time (well next day when he had cooled off obviously won't give it in the heat of the arguement, not that silly..) i gave him the euros and he doesn't want them and gives them back...i have learnt that if i follow through what he threatens me with he doesn't use it in future arguements. The main one is he doesn't want his name on the mortgage !!! whats that about, control is all i can put that down to so one weekend when we were shopping (and not arguing may i say !!lol ) i went into an estate agents and said lets get the mortgage sorted out like you want, he back tracked so quick, all this is so stupid but i find it works with him.He sounds like a child but he is actually in his 40's.

On a plus he has stopped going into the local town and spending hours in the betting shops, hasn't done that for weeks so isn't with the usual people, does use the local one but i can pull him out of there. I do feel if i leave him to get on with it he will start to see sense, so long as i get the housekeeping money that is.

ODAAT, like your mums says so does my husband, it's his money and he doesn't tell me what to do with mine, which he doesn't i shouldn't with his...a bit of a point but i'm not wasting mine. The disagreement could go on, like you say i'm getting the housekeeping which is a bonus and think i shall work on the rest slowly.

Lovely to hear from you all, Thank you x

Sorry to be negative but for all his extensive wrong doing throughout our marriage, my husband is presently sticking with GA and has handed full and total control of the finances to me. And we've put as many self excluding and blocks as possible in place. Otherwise he wouldn't be in the house. None of this is foolproof thanks to the multitude of credit cards available out there but progress has been made. I hope. And it's still like having another child to manage...

Your call but as Wal says whilst your husband has money or credit he'll gamble. Even if you are getting your housekeeping now. Is he prepared to take any steps to self exclude or go to GA? Or is it all lip service?

I hope you do sort it out but don't let him drag you down.

BW,

CW

Hi, no he won't go to GA, he thinks it is all under control !! he is realising that i am getting harder, he suggests doing things and expects to use my money, i won't do it anymore he now knows he can't waste his money and still do things, can't have his cake and eat it as they say.....

No one has ever stood up to him so like a child he will have to learn. The weekends are getting better as he isn't spending hours in the shop (has never been online) but i still feel like i am walking on egg shells and ready to jump and accuse him before he has done it . He wants to go home and visit his family but so far he hasn't saved a penny so he will have to change his ways or not go !! simple as

I am looking after myself from now on and it feels good, i have been divorced before and he knows i don't care about being by myself again. I can say we have good times but this is a big black cloud that kepts coming over us, it may disappear it may not, i won't hang around forever.

Thank you for everyones comments i have taken them on board and am so thankful to you all, it is so good to speak to you kind people who actually care even though you don't know me. Feel so much calmer having aired my upsets to everyone xx

Boo to him 🙁 & yay to you 🙂 I really hope he mans up & accepts he has a problem & does something about it soon! As much as it hurts everyone who eventually finds out, I think that sometimes living in the dark may be easier...I worked hard @ hiding my problem & don't think I turned into super-female dog until I fessed up. Once our dirty little secret is out, we get to blame someone else & be annoyed @ them instead of ourselves!

Please do look after you & remember, 'we' are here for the good & the bad times so never worry about posting!

Keep strong - ODAAT

Have had a good weekend, he actually came with me to my mums whilst other times he would have used it to do his own thing and disappear !!! (say no more ) on the way back he said drop me off down the road i shall buy ice cream, l*******s is there!! thought here we go but he was back home to quickly so know he didn't go in and he had ice cream in his hand..(which wasn't melted !! ) how can i have a go at that, just carried on said nothing. Now he is working and is working all day tomorrow so thats this weekend over with no arguing. Thats 2 weekends now.....

Hi lovely

glad you've had a good weekend- I always dreadd them!! Hope it continues.

All we can do is look after our own sanity, stop having our minds and lives run by what their insane brains do and enjoy the times when they are in the real world with us, it's good to hear from you, whether he goes to GA or not, you're welcome at a gamanon meeting, good to get things off your chest face to face sometimes to.

Thank you Pangolin, i am taking one day at a time but so far all is well, he has said several times he isn't interested in going into the bookies, he has been keeping himself busy, giving me more money each week !! and is just all round a nicer person. He is budgeting the money he has and all seems well so far, obviously i'm not going to turn off but by me being calmer helps the situation as well.

Oh dear things were going so well....... i was out one Saturday so he decided to go into town as hadn't been there for ages, i knew what that meant but just thought get on with it. Within a few hours get a call to pick him up, worse for wear should we say !! anyway didn't argue, he just said i spent so much money, just said "good for you" left it and went to bed. In the morning he said he had brought a lot of drinks for people but not gambled ,first lie...i picked him up outside a betting shop !!!. Anyway he said he had saved money for train fare,got on with the week, pay day he told me there was a mistake with the wages and will give me double housekeeping next week told him that was an old story i had heard so many times, he got quite upset and said when i tell you the truth you still don't believe me but he had got a wageslip so must of been paid ,well low and behold a new wageslip came saying first had been cancelled so i was wrong !!!! but new wageslip must mean they have paid him again but he is still saying pay you double next week. Ithink because he didn't have to give me the housekeeping and as far as he thought i am expecting double he has been paid and gambled it.....also when i question it telling him this is what he use to do and why does he think i am so stupid he is losing his temper which again makes me think he has gambled it. I am so mad with him....he has had the cheek to ask me for cigarette money !!!! have now left it that i will not have any money on me so he can't take it off me, pain really as will have to go to the bank more often but am going to do it.

Why is it that he does these things and i can't sleep....amazing.

Sorry to moan, was dreading writing it really but fed up with covering up for him , things were going well but i can't stay in all the time just to watch him and have told him that.

One thing he says is it is his choice what he does with the rest of his money, the house is covered and he doesn't interfer with what i do with my money, quite true but he did expect to use my money for going out for days or the cinema etc so have stopped this now and said if he wants to do things he has to pay as i am quite happy doing things indoors. See how it goes again....

really want to get of this bumpy rollercoster !!!

Infuriating. Lies, Mr P is only angry when he's lying. Defensive, pushing me away type anger and I always respond to it with "now I know your lying". It's been a long time since I've seen it actually, but I still wouldn't care about being wrong or harsh, I'm not psychic, I can only go on what messages he gives me and angry means lies. I have to admit I have got to the point where I can just laugh and ask him what sort of idiot he thinks I am, I don't feel threatened by angry anymore, same as my toddlers anger doesn't get a response.

So He Can choose what to do with his money if he wants? You can choose what to do too. You don't have to accept his decisions.

Well I'm glad you wrote, I have wondered how you were getting on, it's never an easy road and some of it is really tough going, you need your friends at these times, keep talking

Hi, Lovely,

Sorry to hear that it didn't last long.

There's a real difference between a CG in continued recovery and an active CG. Unfortunately, your CG is active, even if he did pause for a few days. I still can't tell about mine - no trust - but to be fair he goes to GA, he carries limited money for essentials, I have full financial control and he cooperates with blocks and barriers.

The CGs in recovery want to stop and are ready to do what it takes, not happily, it's still v difficult all round, but they do it.

They need help, they can't manage alone and they don't have it under control. The ones who say otherwise are active, the CGs who are really in recovery maintain GA, they work the programme and are well aware of the temptations and dangers. You can see that from what is posted on this forum.

If he wanted to stop, he would get help, and put up effective barriers, that is, hand over full financial control, block his access to gambling money, self exclude, software blockers, whatever it takes.

Has he really done everything he possibly can to stop? If not, then the only conclusion is that he doesn't really want to. And if he doesn't want to stop, you can't change that but you can decide what you're prepared to put up with. Subject to the provision that idle threats don't work, so whatever you decide you have to be prepared to see through.

As ever, no easy answers, sorry. But we're thinking of you, keep posting.

CW