Hello. I am new here.
My soon to be husband is a gambling addict and has been opened about it since the beginning.
His debts because of slot machines exceed $100.000,00 (one hundred thousand dollars) and last time he gambled was less than two months ago.
He has already been to rehab and psychologists and nothing seems to help. He said the solution would be my love but since the time we met he gambled his salary away several times. There were occasions in which he was left with no money not even to buy food and take public transportation.
He recently stopped paying his bills to negotiate via a lawyer. He says he doesn't care and it is "just money".
I thought things would change but he has been with this problem for many, many years and I am scared of the future.
Last times he gambled he mentioned committing suicide. He gambled while I was asleep and when he woke me up to tell me he said he was very close to throwing himself from the window.
What should I do? How can I help?
Any advice will be very much appreciated.
Thank you for reading.
Loud alarm bells here.
He is a compulsive gambler, an addict and he bets because he’s a compulsive gambler. The presence or absence of your love is not, absolutely not, a factor. He places the bets, he and he alone can chose the alternative route to overcome the addiction, ie regular GA meetings, blocks and barriers to limit his access to gambling.
He and he alone is responsible for the bets he places. Taking responsibility for him helps no one. It’s normal for Mother to put the toys away or hold his hand to cross the road safely or sort out messy clothes and underwear but that’s strictly for toddlers. He’s an adult and functional adults don’t try to make their equal life partners clear up their mess. Passing the buck (ie for his well being) is manipulation on his part and you accepting it and maybe even seeking it is enabling on your part.
You are not responsible for what he does and doesn’t do and you can’t fix him with your love. The hard question for you to consider is why do you want to? What sick instinct in you draws you to (yet another?) man who needs fixing? What are you avoiding in you whilst trying in vain to fix him?
Echo advice to go to GamAnon and move your focus over to you. Think about how you want to live your life and how you want to be treated by the people in it. Not easy but the starting point is to get help for you.
CW
Thank you very much for your replies.
He mentioned he won about the same amount he has in debts some years ago before he met me which is hard for me to believe. He said he won about one hundred thousand dollars and lost it all again in gambling plus the debt he has now.
I love him and I don't want to break up but I am very scared of the future in a marriage.
We have plans to get married in a few months.
I know I am not responsible for what he does but I wish there is a way I can help.
Maybe you guys are right and I should seek help for myself first.
It is going to be a very difficult life.
He says he wants to stop and he even cries and gets sick when he gambles. I don't know what to do.
Nothing helps him because he doesn't want it to. If he did there's ample advice out there on how he could stop his access to cash and gambling with immediate effect. Crying, getting sick and doing nothing about it isn't on the list.
Life with an active CG is hell. Educate yourself on what you're in for if he doesn't stop (this is the tip of the iceberg). Think very, very carefully about what you want from life, what you deserve in a partner and how you want to live. You cannot help him until he wants to be helped.Put yourself first.
You’re quite right to be scared of your future together. It will involve ever increasing financial problems and no financial security, only repossession and debt collection. Emotionally, it will involve his absence whilst he concentrates on his mistress (ie betting), your emotional absence whilst you try in vain to fix him instead of you, dishonesty (his addiction involves lying and manipulation, your addiction to him involves being dishonest with yourself). A future together will involve dysfunction and abuse. Any children you have together will learn the life lessons that you teach them together.
No crystal ball or second sight needed to predict all that. It’s what happens to everyone else who is emotionally involved with an active addict and you won’t be any different. Addiction can be arrested (by the addict) but unchecked, it gets progressively worse.
It’s actually not about whether you break up with him. If you do, as you are now, you’ll just go on towards the next dysfunctional and emotionally unavailable man or addict who will be even more abusive.
Look at you, not him. Look at who you are and the reality of what you’re getting from this relationship. And stop looking at the fantasy of who he could be once you’ve fixed him and the fantasy of how your relationship will be then. Look at what actually is, here and now. Why is no man at all a worse prospect for you than this man? What is it in you that draws you towards someone who needs fixing? Get help with this, via GamAnon and CoDA, and your life will change for the better. Not overnight, but in time.
Your answers lie with you. If you marry him despite being scared of your future together, then that is your choice and you alone are responsible for it.
CW
Thank you for your replies, Cynical Wife and Lethe.
I think I have to rethink my relationship. At the same time I believe in my heart he can be cure, if we get married it will be on a condition I will be completely dependent on him.
He said I would have to be in control of his credit cards and all the finances because of the addiction but he has already handed it to a relative and it didn't work.
I also notice abuse of other forms.
Thank you for your advices. I will re evaluate myself.
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