First Post

Hi Manchester,

Do you have access to all credit reference agencies - for you both?

Do you have the alerts set up on both of these?

What else is your husband doing in regards his addiction, aside from working very hard to repay?

sounds like some positives in a terrible situation, that is not your fault, I'm the compulsive gambler and my wife is still heartbroken and very untrusting because of the years of deceipt and lies, I'm early stages of recovery, just over a year and we've a long long way to go.

Hopefully posters like, Lethe, Cynical Wife, ODAAT and MGR (amongst others) will see your post at some point - I'd really recommend you look out for some of their posts on the forum, they give some great advice and I'm sure they would urge caution if you can't answer the questions about positively and also encourage you to learn about addiction itself. It must be very difficult but also try not to have too much empathy, us addicts evolve into master manipulators, we blur lines constantly and eventually move into outright deceipt - it must be so hard to 'spot' when you are unaware and it is someone who you should be able to trust more than any others.

I wish you well and hope your husband is seeking help and does remain gamble free

Hi Manchester 45, it's initially a massive shock. You didn't know because a compulsive gambler does everything to make sure you don't know. They only confess once desperate. This isn't your fault. Get support from gamcare or a gamanon meeting. He is making efforts to be open and paying his own debts. No bailouts from parents is good, don't pay their debts. As for him gambling again, that is beyond your control. Get credit reports from all agencies to clarify the debt (Experian, clear score, mse). Look after yourself, safeguard finances. Is he getting support? He should get help as willpower alone doesn't work. GA and gamcare. He should also self exclude, download online blocks, sign up for gamstop. Look after you.

Thank you both for your replies.

I have signed up to clear score and he is going to as well and I will know the password so I can check it. He hasn't signed up yet and that is worrying me slightly. Going to get him to do it today.

He has seen a counsellor as his mental health is not good and he was having suicidal thoughts in the months leading up to me finding out.
I have asked him to seek help for the gambling but he doesnt want to at the moment, he has promised that if he gets an itch to gamble then he will. He has got back into running and I think this is really helping him.
He has blocked all his accounts and I feel at the moment as I know where every penny of his money is going that, that is enough. Am I being stupid?

He was a very heavy smoker 4 years ago and one day just gave up and hasn't smoked since, he feels he can do this with gambling, i hope he can but I would like him to talk to someone but I can't force him.

Thanks again for your replies, it is just nice to talk to others as no one knows about from my parents.

mmmm - it's not about stupidity on your part, far from it.

Your husband believes himself as well - honestly, I've been where he is many times, everything he says right now he believes, he thinks can control this, especially given his smoking background.

Maybe he can too, maybe he is the one in a million that can control it now, just like that but in itself, that's still a gamble. He is still backing himself to overcome all the stats, all the odds about being the random exception, the one that can control his addiction, without help. He is telling himself and you that he is different, he is better than the rest of us compulsive, addictive gamblers and he doesn't need help.

Sounds like you want to believe him as well, it's understandable on both parts.

It's also a very dangerous game. I need help, I am expecting to need lifelong help, maybe not hourly/daily in the way I did 442 days ago but certainly I can see no end point to needing external help and support. I've had counselling, which is ongoing, I'm fortunate in that I have a sister with a relevant professional career who is also helping and who is able to seek advice from a lot of experts in this field and I need and want it all. I am trying to learn about addiction and I am trying to operate as openly as I possibly can, friends know, family know, my work don't but that's for very specific reasons and that decision was discussed and debated long and hard across my family

RED FLAGS:

but he doesnt want to at the moment - Of course he doesn't, he doesn't want to face the consequences, he is trying to minimise and control the situation

he has promised - means nothing. Sadly, this is the reality - this is a worthless statement.

He has blocked all his accounts - How do you know this? Because he told you? - again means nothing and even if true - do you know how many gambling opportunities there are out there? It's good to have blocks in place but they arent enough by themselves (again in my opinion)

Thank you for this, I have seen that he has blocked all his accounts but I understand your red flags and now I'm worried I just don't know what to do x

Sorry, I don't mean to worry you but I get that it must be terrifying on so many fronts, I would recommend giving Gamcare a call - they do support Partners as well as the addicts

You don't have to make decisions about your future etc right now, so don't put that pressure on yourself, you do just need to constantly ensure you are looking at actions, not words

How do you know he has blocked all accounts? How are you certain that he has shown you them all?

I think you need to concentrating on what protects you? What do you need right now - hence then recommendation to call gamcare or similar

For the record, all the previous times I have tried to stop I was always resistant to challenge, to questions, I always had a line of defence, I would always 'answer' by getting the information myself, showing an email, a screenshot, sending an email or making a phonecall

This time, after advice and learning a bit about my addiction I am trying to do things differently, whatever my wife wants to see I will show her there and then, every account/ emails/ phone/ Ipad, all are available and open to my wife, my sister, my mother and even my brother in law - hopefully they don't continually access and check my personal emails but the point being they can, if they choose.

Idea being that I have nowhere to hide secrets and nor do I try, nor do I want to

One year on and even this isn't always enough for my wife and I have to accept that, it is yet another consequence of my decision to gamble

I am an addict, I am ashamed and disgusted at myself for becoming an addict but I own it now, it is part of me, I am an addict but I also have a choice. Today I will choose to not gamble.

Call gamcare and look after yourself, protect yourself

Hi Manchester you're not stupid, but don't trust him. All credit reports not just one. If he's willing to give up he will show you no questions. I've been hoodwinked many times. My cg would hand over cards but know all the details, just one example. Doing it alone is not realistic. My husband gave up cigarettes, drinking, it's taken him 15 years to give up gambling. He says it was because he didn't want to. You can never say it won't happen again. You can set limits and make demands. My husband doesn't want to handle any money. He doesn't trust himself. It's addiction, it doesn't get better, no cure, just arresting. You say he's blocked his accounts. He can sign up to gamstop, download blocking software to gadgets, self exclude from bookies. There are millions of betting sites online, they will be bombarding him with emails to go back. Just be vigilant, not too trusting. Safeguarding yourself is paramount. As dan says he thinks he isn't like other compulsive gamblers. They all say that when they're in denial.

Hi

Sorry to see what's going on. You've had some great advice from CG and MGR so I won't repeat it other than to reiterate the point that you can't trust what he says without seeing independent proof for yourself so don't. We all want to hope they've seen the light and it's gone away. We all want to believe what they say but I doubt there's anyone this side of the forum who hasn't been looked in the eye and lied to without their gambler dropping a beat. Look after you.

How are you Manchester?

I'm OK thank you

He signed up to one credit check last night in front of me which put my mind at ease (I know he needs to sign up to the others) but it was a start.

As hard as it is I've realised over the last few days that I can't change him, he needs to do that on his own. I have made him aware that if anything else happens that I won't be staying and that is s**t to try and get my head around as I love him so much and want us to be a family but I need to think about me and our son.

I'm hoping that he can kick this but only time will tell.

Thank you for asking how I am.

no worries, be kind to yourself

keep going with all the signs ups and alerts, password protect whatever device those alerts go to as well and your email account (he'll have no qualms accessing if he is feeling desperate)

best wishes and I do hope he is truly ready to tackle this once and for all, if he is, he will respect and understand your requests, he will accept the consequences and he will embrace whatever help is available, he will also want to be open, this addiction thrives on the secrecy (I think I keep stealing quotes from other users!) and dont forget you didnt cause any of this

best wishes

hey Manchester, has he made any further progress / have you managed to get better access yet?