Hi, I have been aware my husband had a gambling problem before he met me. He dealt with it by self exclusions and clearing his debt before we ever met. Although I have been aware he is an addict, he's had no issues in the 6 years we have been together.
I went through his phone last night and found some things that didn't add up. He came clean that a few weeks ago within the space of 15 minutes while hiding in the toilet at home, he spent ВЈ10 000 on a credit card on an online casino. He won £6000 which he also blew. He was suicidal when I approached him about it as could see no way out.
We are lucky we had a safety net as other than the gambling which is ironic he is good with money. He cashed in shares we were waiting on this year and also next year's in advance and cleared a lot of it. He has taken a low interest loan through work before tax and insurance over the space of a year to clear the rest which leaves ВЈ1500 to pay. Its manageable Compared to what could have been. He contacted pay pal who gave him back ВЈ3000, of the £6000 he had won and was transacted through them into his account. The rest was through a credit card.
We have 3 kids and another on the way. A beautiful house which is solely in his name and lots of outgoings. He gets good pay and can afford these things if he doesn't gamble.
I'm shell shocked. I've talked with him all night and made it clear I love him and will we will manage this together. I don't know how to move forward from here. He is not in denial and knows its a serious issue and feels very guilty. He had initially excluded himself from the site 7 years ago but I think their policy is 5 years exclusion which is how he got back on. He is adamant he will never do it again and wants to sign hous ever to me blah blah but I can't afford it and wouldn't get it.
I do believe him but obviously this is something all addicts say and mean at the time. What are the chances this is a one off blip if he hasn't gambled in 8 years? Im terrified it's the start of a recurring problem. He's excluded himself from all online things again and on Monday is going into all local bookies to do the same at my request just in case.
I'm concerned about preventing future gambling and protecting our money. If it happened again there would be no safety net. This time is taking a year of hard work to get back to square one and I'm grateful it's manageble in that time frame.
I hope I'm not being naive or enabling him to further gamble by sticking by him. He's asked me not to tell anyone as he is ashamed. I'm not sure whether to tell my parents. On one hand I don't want to keep secrets. On the other we are managing. For now.
Just needed to vent and if anyone has some advice it would be appreciated. Thanks if you have read this through to the end.
Hi dizzy dinosaur, a gambling problem doesn't go away. They are always addicts. Does he attend meetings? Yes you have enabled him, not by saying you'll stand by him but by allowing him to cash in all your investments to clear his debt. That's the family money, your safety net which is now gone. Gambling debts come last, it's his debt not yours, his problem, his consequence. Now he's asking you to be secretive, another warning in my experience, that they are not ready to stop. If you're ready your objective is to seek help, get to a meeting, hand over finances, be open and honest, accept help. He's now got a small debt, so he's in a position to borrow more. His shame and embarrassment won't help him get better or stop. Being alone with this won't help you either. Find a gamanon meeting, they are online Sunday night 8-9 if you can't get to one. You are free to tell who you like, you need emotional support. He may also be borrowing from family and friends. My father in law enabled my husband. We have all made mistakes, turned a blind eye, not realised that this will continue however many times they say it won't. Get credit reports from all agencies (Experian, clearscore, noddle, mse). Safeguard your finances and cards. If you control his money keep a check on it, if you give him cash he should supply receipts. For my husband the only thing that has helped him is GA. Call gamcare to talk or get counselling. Stepchange or debt camel for debt advice. Set some boundaries, not ultimatums. Keep the line of communication open, addiction feeds on secrets and lies. Most importantly you and the children come first.
£16K's worth of gambling in 15 minutes is unlikely to be an out of the blue blip.
You can't trust a word he says so don't without seeing independent proof all is as he claims. Credit reports in both your names from all agencies are a good starting point along with you taking full control of the finances. Keeping secrets for CG's rarely ends well. Tell whoever you need to and get support for yourself.
Bailouts (selling assets and taking on further loans to clear the debt are bailouts) don't work. It just gives them a clean slate to pick up where they left off. The debt is his. He can do the legwork researching affordable ways to pay it off.
You can't stop him gambling again if he's determined to but you can decide what you want and need and what you will or won't tolerate. You don't have to support or understand if you don't want to or can't. There are outside agencies which serve that function. I needed all my energy for me. Mr L got and gets his support from GA where the members get it in a way I never will.
Thank you very much for taking the time to reply. I didn't agree to the shares but they are solely in his name through work and he did it before I even found out about the gambling. However I probably would have agreed because I'd rather we didn't have some Extra money coming for some luxury than be thousands up in debt. If its a one off obviously. Is he a compulsive gambler if its years and years between binges?
He is open to me taking control of finances. We are sitting down over the weekend and going through everything together. There are still some savings left thankfully for our rares bill and holiday spending money this summer. I'm opening a savings account and taking them out if his name. All his gambling money was from a credit card. Which he has now mostly paid off with the shares. Is there any way to recover any of those costs? Surely a gambling website should be concerned if someone joins and gets £16000 in debt on credit card? Have they no responsibility? I'm not taking blame of my husband I'm just trying to find a way through.
The only way would be for him to call them, tell them he doesn't have any money because he gambled it, they can see that. Negotiate no interest. Repay in small amounts. Unfortunately if you've already paid it, they don't care. Gambling is a choice. Yes he's a compulsive gambler. You said he used to have debts and gambling problems. As we've said these things don't go away or get better on their own. If he was not a cg he wouldn't have gone down that road again. In my experience if they say they 'used to', they're lying, not just to you but themselves. My husband said he'd stopped, all his salary direct to me, he had secret bank accounts and gambled loans. That's why credit reports are the best way. If he wants to stop he'll be all for it, if he doesn't he doesn't want to stop or is still hiding things. You need to take control, tough love. That doesn't mean sort out his mess. That means secure yourself and make sure you've got money to live. Desperation leads people to do things they wouldn't normally do. They don't want to stop or give up the gambling, it's their safe place. This is about you learning how to deal with an addict. The more money you give them the more damage they can do. Both financially and mentally. It's an emotional illness with financial consequences. We all want to help, we all hate debt, we all pay it off then it comes back again. It's not our job to take responsibility away from the gambler. I talk from experience, I've made mistakes, massive ones, but no more.
Thank you merry go round. He's going to go to GA. I hope we can sort this now before it really gets out of control.
Getting the savings into your sole name is a good idea. If he's offered to sign the house over, I would (and have) go for it. It protects you against the possibility of him raising a mortgage on it. I also make any large purchases in my sole name from my own bank account.
You could approach the credit card company to see if anything is recoverable but as lenders mostly seem to share the same lack of morals as the gambling industry itself I wouldn't hold my breath.
In answer to your question about whether he's a CG even if it does turn out he's abstained for years - the answer is yes. If they ever return to gambling they will very quickly lose any semblance of control. A £16K binge isn't normal for someone who's bought into the gambling as 'entertainment' myth.
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