Hi all, feel i have done everything possible but yet again the lying and the the gambling goes on, the false promises are broken yet again, the hiding things continue once again. The young man in question works a full time job yet has never contributed to the household in years, he continues to borrow of anyone he can, he lies to everyone, he attends GA and everytime we think he is on the right track we get knocked right back down. We the parents have paid off numerous credit cards, bank loans, overdrafts etc and have made plans up to pay back thousands of pounds personal debt to family and friends. He is bi polar and medication seems to be working well at the moment. He has tried to commit suicide previously and everytime he gets found out or depressed and leaves the house we worry it will be the last time. Back to the main point point, i have supposedly taken control of his wages after clearing some of his debt and made a payment plan up, reason for this he started a new job a few months back and has gambled all his monthly wage as soon as it was put into his account, i got him to change accounts with his work to put the wages into my account. After many weeks of lies and excuses i found out his wages are going into another account in his name (monzo) and when i asked to see the account details he started to get angry and blame us for always trying to be controlling, anyway i eventually seen them and yet again all his wages gambled away including a maxed overdraft. He has been told many times he will end up homeless as we cant put up with it anymore. Is there anything else we should be doing as we have fully supported him for years and he just takes advantage of this, he will be nearly thirty soon and myself and his mum cant put up with it anymore. Any advice will be truly appreciated.
I truly admire your support and tenacity in every possible way to rescue your son from the all encompassing addiction to gambling
It is way above my capabilities to offer any real advice but other very helpful people here will be so knowledgeable and have better life experience for you
I wish you every strength and full hope in a positive future for your family Best. MH
Hi, well done for reaching out for advice. I’m so sorry you’re going through such a difficult situation. I know how much the lies and broken promises hurt as much or more than the financial loss.
I will give my opinion but I’m only 2 weeks in to finding out my partner is a compulsive gambler so am new to this journey, but have done a lot of reading to work out how best to support him.
Firstly, it sounds like your son has not acknowledged his gambling is a problem, and as such does not seem willing to accept help. I completely understand your pure intentions of helping him by paying off his debts, any parents would want to do that, however by doing so he has been able to shirk the responsibility and consequences of his actions. He has learned that he can rack up debt, someone else will pay it off, which enables him to continue to gamble.
I think whilst it really is tough love, ensuring he is responsible for his debt will make him more likely to recognise his problem and accept help. You can be there to support him with love and guidance, but I do not think you should continue to pay his debt. He works full time so has an income that can be used to pay it for himself.
Once he has acknowledged he has a problem and needs help, ensure as many barriers are in place for him to not return to gambling. Sign up to GamStop, GamBan, put bank blocks and ensure he only has access to one account with no overdraft. Regularly check his online credit report so you can see if he is opening new accounts without you knowing.
I would highly recommend calling GamCare and having as assessment with them. Both myself and my partner have done this as they’ve been equally as supportive to him as the gambler, and me as the partner harmed by his gambling. You can also encourage him to self refer to the NHS gambling service for assessment and referral to psychotherapy.
It is a painful and destructive illness which compared to other addictions can be invisible, which makes it very hard to understand. I know it is so incredibly hard to continue to give support when it feels like it is thrown back in your face, but try to remember problem gambling is a mental health condition and actions often become out of control not through choice but through illness .
You love and support to your son is admirable and he is very lucky to have you. It is so tough knowing how ‘controlling’ to be, but actually being controlling is completely necessary to ensure honesty, abstinence and better likelihood of recovery.
Wish you all the best in the journey- please do continue to come back here for support, the chat rooms are good too there is one twice a week for family members affected by gambling.
Good luck
Excellent advice above. Couldn’t say it better. Please contact the GamCare team, they see this more than anyone in here so can help.
Unfortunately the gambler can’t be helped unless they help themselves. Taking control of all money is a great step, but if they are not ready to quit this will turn into resentment at you for being controlling. It’s such a tough situation as you want to help but if they are not willing to commit, then you are just a block to them gambling. I do think some proper counselling might be needed.
I hope you get the help you and your son need. I really feel for you and your partner.
Stay strong 💪
Thanks for everyone's advice, today we have taken over his account, he has phoned gamcare and has an appointment next week to talk to someone. He has put gamstop and gamban onto his phone for a five year period. He will also be making an appointment with the doctor next week who will hopefully put him onto the NHS gambling service.
We do feel this is a big step that he has faced and hopefully it has finally sunk in that there is no more help from us financially coming his way, family has also bn notified that there has to be no other monies given to him without running it by us first.
We also never knew about the online credit report, we will look into that. So much advice from everyone, it is much appreciated.
Thanks so much
@lf8cexj759 Thankyou, so much advice in there, we have acted on pretty much every one of your recommendations.
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