For Cynical Wife

Hi as67 I don't think your son hates you I think he's taking all his frustration out on you because there's no one else to take it out on. He can act differently to the outside world but takes it out on his nearest and dearest. We are all capable of saying hurtful things in the heat of the moment but to do it to the extreme of your son shows he is out of control and does need peoffesional help, which unfortunately because he's an adult you can't make him. - That must of been awful for your other son having those thoughts going around in his head about you and his dad being hurt! That's not good is it. I often wonder how all of our children can be so different coming from the same parents with the same upbringing. It's a mystery really. You must be exhausted with it all, I hope you all get some peace from this awful time soon and your son realises how much damage he is doing to himself and his family. xx wcid

Hi

Thank you WCID all this support really helps, Id be in a far worse state with out so thank you.

Ive wondered the same myself so many times how can 2 brothers be so different, my eldest has a very good job, and has got many good things ahead of him, its exactly what we want for our other son.. Ive tied myself in knots wondering if there was anything we did differently between them, but there just isnt anything I can think of, they both know how much they're loved and have always known they have our support and can come to us for anything.

I know theres more to come, my son is spiralling out of control and sooner or later hes going to hit rock bottom and given the state hes in, Im certain that is going to be a very bad place. Its like watching a car crash you can see it happening but you cant do anything to stop it. Ive often wished he was still a child so I could force him to get help, he knows that we'd drop everything and help him get that if he ever decides he wants it.

Both my husband and I are exhausted, and we still feel a little ill at ease but the peace and quiet for now is lovely. Im going back to counselling soon, so that will be a big help and in the mean time we're going to try and get some kind of normal life back.

X

Hi As67 how are you feeling x

Hi WCID

Thank you for asking.

Im not really sure how to describe how I feel, up one minute down the next maybe.

The weekend was horrible just couldnt seem to pull myself together I was convinced he was lying in a gutter somewhere and I still cant get the image of the last time I saw him out of my head, he was in such a state. Ive been unfair to my husband wanting to know how come he isnt feeling as upset as me but he just keeps saying sorry but he just feels relieved.

Yesterday morning I thought Im going to have to at least get of my pj's and get dressed so I made myself go for a coffee with a friend and as luck would have it I saw my son across the road, flew in to a total panic, didnt expect that. I just dont trust myself not to run up and hug him and tell him to come home, we wont be changing our minds but it just felt too early to trust myself.

Later he sent a text to ask if he and his girlfriend could come and collect some of his things, he was told she could but he has to stay away. Partly because I dont want any more upset but its highly possible that if he gets in here he'll refuse to leave, or will steal keys, both of which hes done before. I was expecting her to be stroppy as she was the last time we threw him out but she was actually very nice, just like her usual self (we had always got on well), she took a lot stuff so I dont think she'll be back any time soon to get more. She said he's sleeping on a friends couch for the moment, so that imediately makes me feel better but he doesnt know what to do next. Ive made it very clear that he must not come back here and that he has to find somewhere permanent to live and we will not be changing out mind. I think he thought we'd calm down in few weeks and he'd be coming back home.

I asked her she can see he's got a very serious problem and he needs professional help, she said yes but he's refusing to do anything about it. I thought he was so close to rock bottom that he'd be desperate for help but yet again he seems to of avoided it. I told her we love him as much as ever but we wont be seeing him while hes gambling, its just too painful but if he ever decides to get help then we'd love to see him again, but even then he wont be living with us.

It all feels odd, Im not used to the peace and quiet but I guess in time we'll get used to it. I'm trying hard to distract myself and and Im going to spend some time with my sister and and other son this week so that will be a big help. On Thursday Im going back to counselling and I cant wait, Im sure it will do me a lot of good.

Im not sure if I will ever be ok with this but Im going to have to get used to it, and I think we're in for a very long wait for my son to decide if he wants to recover. I would of thought losing his family would of been enough for him to want recovery but it seems that its not the case.

Thanks again for asking, how are you and your family doing?

X

Hi as67 we are doing ok this end, up until February my son hadn't totally abstained from gambling but reduced it greatly to around £20 a week. I asked if he could try a little extra so now as far as I can see he is attempting to stay gf for February. I continue to handle his finances of which he still agrees is the best way. He does get fed up of having limited money but as we have discussed you cannot live the life he has been living and expect not to feel the effects on his finances. He can see this is true but also knows if he can stick to a gf life his finances will get better in the next few months. I am pleased with the progress he has made as I know it is a difficult addiction to give up and I am aware things could go back to where they were if he decides to get me off his banking account. If that ever happens I will have to rethink. - your story could quite easily have been my story if my son has continued on the path he was on. It must be so difficult for you coming to terms with what has happened and bewilderment at how it's got to this! Im pleased you had a glimpse of your son that must have been reassuring even though upsetting for you. I'm pleased his girlfriend was pleasant when she picked up his items and that she can see he has a problem, maybe she will encourage him to get some help. You will always be his mum he just wont let you in at the moment to help him but as time goes by that will hopefully change. I hope your counselling session goes well you have a lot to get out! take care xx wcid

Hi WCID

Im so pleased to hear the progress your son is making its all sounding very positive and I hope he continues to go from strength to strength. If you dont mind me putting my bit in Ive learned that if I say something we have to follow it through, anything from the tiny little things to the very big, if my son thought there was even the slightest chance Id weaken he took full advantage of it. I know your son is not liking having such little money but it is very improtant that they feel the consequences of their gambling, its that what keeps them on the path to recovery.Please remember that as good as hes doing it would be wise to be cautious and stay on your guard, but hey I think you're doing great so just keep going.

I am having a hard time understanding how this happened, Ive gone over it all a thousand of times wondering the whys and where fors and I just cant get an answer. Logically I know we've done our very best by him but I have moments of doubt when I wonder if we could of tried harder, but there again I cant think how that would be even possible. My son has continually got worse so Ive long thought that this was how we'd end up and my gut tells me if he ever chooses recovery its going to be a very long way off. Im sure his girlfriend is his achilles heel, if she ever leaves him as she frequently threatening to do that will be his turning point. Hes still stealing from her, she threatens to leave him, he promises he'll never do it again which of course he does and the cycle continues. Ive told her that while she lets him do this he'll never stop but she said we obvioulsy dont love him as much as she does and dont give him the support he needs, I her told shes very wrong and its actually the total opposite, its because we love him so much that we're having to be tough. They have lived together before and he made her as miserable as us and she vowed never to do it again, so she does really know what hes like.

This is probably going to sound melodramtic but you know that feeling you get after a breavement where, you have to just get back on with life but you dont know how to, well thats what it feels like to me, sort of lost. I guess in time I'll get used to this new way of life but part of me doesnt want to, I miss my little lad too much.

Thanks again for the care and support x

P.S on a random note I have a feeling by some of the words you choose that me and you live in the same "neck of the woods" doesnt mean a thing but if so its good to have company 🙂

Hi, AS67,

Not much to usefully say but thinking of you.

Take care,

CW.

Hi as67

Ditto CW... definitely thinking of you.

Cathyxx

Thank you ladies

As rough as it is Id be in far worse place with out all the fantastic support from everyone here.

Ann x

as67 - I've been reading your posts about your son. It's heartbreaking. I was a compulsive gambler when it came to roulette. I can't believe the depths I sank to, the lies, the self-denial, the "it's everyone against me; I'm fine" deluded mindset.

For me this is now years ago, I'm now in a much better headspace thank god. But your situation resonates with me and I felt compelled to stick in my comment. YOU ARE DOING EXACTLY THE BEST THING.

Please don't doubt yourself.

I would never have faced my issues until I ran out of people to blame and kick against. My folks were as loving and caring as you sound, but it's such a thin line between caring and indulging when it comes to an addiction.

It's a strange addiction gambling because it's not just like drinking yourself to death or shooting yourself up to palookaville with a mind-numbing narcotic. To gamble requires a certain self-belief that you are still "clever enough" to win. That's what your son is still not accepting. He still feels he's smart enough to win enough money that it will all make sense and he'll be proved correct and the world wrong for doubting him.

Of course this is delusional thinking, but while there are people in his life who "believe in him" - parents, girlfriends, etc... then ironically he will never accept that he's lost. Lost more than money. Lost life, lost self-respect, lost hope. That realisation is almost too intense for any of us to deal with. But when it comes, and comes for real, then THAT'S when support is needed to rebuild.

You sound like such a genuine and caring person it's really not fair what you're going through. But, you must be strong. Don't give in. In the long term your son sounds powerful enough that he will eventually, one day, face reality. When that day comes he will be totally crushed and broken. Be there for him then with a hug. But not before.

Sincerely,

Mx

Hi Molehole

You've no idea how much I needed to hear that so thank you so much.

My sons game of choice is roulette but will bet on anything when he's in what I can only describe as a frenzy. I can see how troubled he is and still want nothing more than to hug him and tell him its going to be ok, but I know I cant. Ive long thought he lives in a delusional world and has seemed lost for so long.

I would be lying if I said Im ok, Im not but I am doing my best to just get on with things, and I have moments where I doubt what we've done. Logic tells me we had no choice but my heart tells me my son needs me and Ive somehow deserted him, but I know Ive got to put that to one side.

We have had to stand our ground to protect ourselves but we also know that while we have put up with his bad behviour that we were enabling him, so its for his benefit too.

We will carry on as we are and just live in hope that my son chooses recovery soon.

Thanks again Molehole its been a bad day and you've given me hope that he can get well.

X

He will get over it. He's smart enough to think he can win right now. When the time comes, his "smarts" will be applied to getting well.

And when he does get well he'll thank you for being strong NOW, and not giving in and kicking it down the road for another few years.

It sounds like a glib quote but I mean it sincerely - Nelson Mandela said: (paraphrasing) "Before you can help anyone else, you must help yourself to be as strong as possible, that way you can truly help".

So, now's the time to focus on your own well-being. Don't worry you're being too harsh - truly you aren't. Focus on yourself for a bit, treat yourself, be kind to yourself. That way when the time comes eventually your son reaches out to you, you will be there strong.

(Sorry if I sound like some c**P self-help book, but I'm speaking from experience).

mx

How are you, Ann? Hope things are starting to improve for your family.

Take care,

CW

Hi Cynical Wife

The peace and quiet is wonderful, and Im trying to think positive but to be honest its far harder than I ever thought it would be.

Monday was my birthday and that was very hard and I spent the day distracting myself and thats what I seem to be doing most of the time.

I sent his girlfriend a text asking her to collect his post but never got a reply, so Im not sure what or even if I do anything about that. I have no idea where he is, and I cant decide if thats a good or bad thing.

I got a call from one of the officers who attended a couple of weeks ago to ask how things are which was nice, wasnt expecting that. I asked what his report said about the "incident" but he couldnt tell me much other than my son had been told not to contact us and that there were other agencies involved, havent got a clue what that means. He also said that my son has said that we are not to be told where he is or given any information about him. Even now it feels like hes having a last go at us.

Im still certain we did the right thing and I guess in time I'll get used to it.

Thanks for caring

Ann x

Hi as67 how is everything going xx