Gamblers personality when not gambling

Hi as a CG myself I think it is like any addiction that when u take the main part of that addiction away from the person there will always be a different person you see than before ! It sounds like a little bit of her still wants to gamble maybe or there could be other reasons ? Only you will know this and it sounds like she is a bit in denial that's she's powerless over gambling, this is the 1st step on the GA recovery programme and looks like you are getting the brunt of it all ? Hope you can sort things out with your partner as gambling has caused so much heartache to my family.

All the Best

Darren

Hi Darren and thankyou for your reply. Im worried that this is the 'real' her as shes being secretly gambling the whole of our relationship. My other worry is that because i gave her the ultimatum to quit or leave, thats shes recovering against her wishes. We are going for counselling tonight at my insistence.

Councilling is good but have got to put everything into it from both of you, I'm having councilling for myself and only had 3 sessions and seem to be getting answers as to why I did what I did which is what I want ! Hope all goes well and look forward to hearing how it goes !

Hi FW, welcome to the forum 🙂

I was a monster when I 1st quit 🙁 Still am now a bit but I'm working on me. Slightly different with me in as much as I isolated from him rather than freaking out with him but I argued over literally anything! I too gambled my entire relationship & once I stopped gambling I skipped about very proud of myself but with complete disregard for my now husband's feelings. This has recently come back to bite me on the r*e but we're working through it & for the 1st time since starting my journey, I feel alive. There is no such thing as recovering against our wishes, only abstaining & unless she accepts all the help she can get, she won't get past this.

I would suggest it's not couples counselling you need although you probably do both need it. Have you spoken to GamCare who can provide this free? Would be well worth you getting to a GamAnon meeting too if you are able, these are support groups for loved ones where you will get real life practical support for you which would really help. I almost want to do a women huh but she's sick & she needs to accept that before she can start healing.

It's hard but you have to look after you 1st - ODAAT

Hi FW

My personal experience was that Mr L was vile when he stopped first time round and it later transpired he'd returned to gambling behind my back. Second time round I think he'd thoroughly scared himself with the things he did and although there was a lot of fallout to deal with glimpses of the person he'd been before it took a grip came back quite quickly.

If they don't want to stop it can produce an effect along the lines of AA's 'dry drunk' which means usage has stopped but the underlying dysfunction is still present. A recovering CG needs to identify and address the underlying issues driving the gambling alongside establishing the mechanical barriers that stop them gambling. This is where counselling (Gamcare offer free sessons) and GA can help.

Thanks to you all. We have parted. It's been a long, tiring journey.

Self preservation comes first. Look after you.

CW

Sorry for both you and your now ex partner. I hope going forward you can both forgive each other and as the gambler in the relationship they can get better.

Did you or your ex take advantage of the counselling / GA on offer?

I recommended she self refer to the london nhs clinic and Gordon Moody which she did and had the initial phone assessments. However i had to cut off her (my)phone contract after she ran up bills and pawned the phone handset. She said they won't be able to contact her now.

...and therefore it's all your fault? There she is, trying so hard to stop but nasty you have deprived her of the only possible means of communication from the professionals for no good reason. Her use of the phone for adverse purposes is irrelevant.

Actually, she needs to take ownership of her problem. She has no mobile because of her behaviour but there are other means of communication, she can check her emails at the library or make phone calls herself. If she wants the help, she can get it. And no phone is needed to attend GA meetings.

Focus on taking care of you and repairing you. You can't fix her.

CW

Sorry to hear of your break up- you might find it interesting to know I find my partner is moody and horrible when gambling and losing, this is how I know he is back to his old ways and lying to me. Where does the addict start and the person you care about end?? It's always so hard with an addict to know who is the real them. Best wishes for the future. X

I think you have made the right decision. Life is for enjoyment, not misery like that. You partner can seek help, anytime that she would like to. She just needs to choose to. Good luck on your journey.

Julie x