Hi. I am looking for some advice. My partner has been gambling since i met him 9 years ago..he has been gambling since about age of 13, now 34... it took 5 years for me to realise that what appeared to be a hobby from the start was actually diagnosis and another 3 to realise how severe it was... he has been promising not to gamble again but never took long before he started again.. he lost 10 thousands if not more over those years...i came to the point when i cannot continue like this any more even though i love him even for a sake of losing him.. i tried it with crying, screaming, shouting, threatening, hiding away for couple of days, drinking, even beating him up once..i tried with just being calm, loving and understanding ..i suffered from depressions not out of choice of course...nothing has helped.. it seems like he has absolutely no sympathy or compassion...i used all my credit cards and then ended up paying payday loans with payday loans until i couldnt deal with repayments and interest anymore and hit 13000 debt, then i gave up and i ended up in dmp in 2013. all these 13 grand i used slowly and bit by bit for example when he would gamble his and mine entire wages in one day, or money that were meant to be for rent, bills etc...before he made big promises he was gonna help me with repaying it once he starts working ..now he wouldnt even admit that any of it is his debt ...never contributed penny towards it and i ended up paying it myself which is gonna take forever... apart from that i was trying to protect him never told his friends that he was a gambler..until recently.. i kept paying all his debts for those years while accumulating my own ending up with nothing, living from wage to wage ..never being able to enjoy myself...never tried to look for help before as i couldnt speak language.. how stupid i was ..i was very young when i met him and too afraid of losing him and so i totally lost respect for myself....now he refuses to pay me rent as according to him i owe him... when i ask him what or how much he can not answer...he says he doesnt owe me anything and i never did anything for him... and he doesnt know what i do with my money or why i ve got such a debt.. according to him its nothing to do with him...those are his words...he is in complete denial and sometimes i wonder if i m crazy when he says things and it looks like he truly believes what he is saying..
he hasnt been working for last 3-4 years because of health issues... in that time i was looking after my terminally ill mom and after she passed i was going to work doing 20 x 12 hour night shifts a month so i could afford everything myself as even his sick pay he would hide and rather gamble than contribute towards....but last year i decided to do something positive with my life and i went to university, full time...i told him of my plans and asked him to start planning on getting some light job as i wont be able to earn enough to cover both while doing uni and studying.. i was hoping that i ll get same support of him as he got of me for all those years.. he has admitted on few occasions that he has a problem but this was always after major loss and when he needed my help to cover it...he would then promise me all sorts and give me his card or internet banking details so i could keep an eye on him... after that 2 or 3 weeks later he would behave like nothing has happened.. he would make an arguement to have a reason to take the card of me and change internet banking details until another major loss and so on... he went for hypnosis last year and it seemed to help a bit ..but he needs more sessions..he wouldnt go for gam anon meetings because he would be ashamed if he met somebody he knows there... but then he cannot resist gambling and his account is always in overdraft...
half a year ago exactly when i was about to start uni he got an opportunity to open fastfood which was always his dream..he was so excited for a new future...and so was i.. i thought that this was a chance for him to change...therefore i decided to support him for a little longer until he opens his shop. he needed an investment for start and mentioned it to his mother. He never told me about it i was only told by our friend recently that apparently she remortgaged her flat abroad to give him 10 grand.. another friend gave him 3 grand but it still wasnt enough.. he was still missing few grand and it was already january.. so i suppose he decided he will win the rest... recently i started receiving nasty phone calls from our friend that lent him wanting his money back...thats how i found out about the 3 grand...and by the looks he has already lost them all together with his mothers money.. so even my first year in uni i ended up spending all my student finance for household expenses even paying rent for his shop to keep it going until he gets finance to open it and then he gambles it..i cant believe this ..i had to go to work to earn his share of rent while he was sat at home doing nothing and gambling away thousands of pounds ..i managed to get into his account...i almost died when i found out he lost 16 000 in just 2 months exluding winnings that re re-bet.. 🙁 🙁
After he was unsuccessful to open the business it made him go back to work.. not knowing about anything i thought everything was gonna change for better from then on... until i found out he hasnt got any of those money he borrowed...and realised that this was a real reason for him going to work....but now everything or almost everything he earns is gambled away or taken by bank as overdraft charges..again..i dont know what to do and i dont even know if i want to help any more... how could i convince him to look for professional help?
On a positive side i have finally realised that bailing him out was the biggest mistake i could have done... i only made things worse because for all those years i actually enabled him to gamble to face no consequences or responsibility for his actions whatsoever.. now he cant get used to me not caring about his debts so our relationship is in ruins.. i have asked him for rent money as now he works and can afford to pay but he refuses to pay me anything.. so we dont get evicted both this leaves me with no option than paying his rent too regardless i want to or not... i said that he will have to leave if he doesnt pay his rent so he said he was gonna leave in about 2 weeks time...rather paying rent to somebody else then me... i dont even believe he will leave.. how if he has got no money... it doesnt really matter if he is there or not i will still have to pay same but i just feel that this have to end and kicking him out is only way how to help him. I have recently managed to block all his online accounts for lifetime and i am going to send selfexclusion forms to shops as well to make it as difficult for him to gamble as it can get..i also installed spy software with gambling blocking feature meant for kids to see what he is up to. i do however realise that other than making it harder for him it is not solution as he will still be able to get around open new accounts and bet if he really wants to...i am a bit concerned tho what he says once he finds out about his online accounts haha...Because of his problems and change in my attitude towards his gambling (i suppose), he start ed treating me nasty... he is frustrated and depressed and i know that this is not him and he needs help ..he is such an amazing guy after all that it sounds unbelievable i know but he has a big heart if he only wasnt a gambler... i know that if i let him go it will end up catastrophic for him...but he wouldnt admit that it is his gambling that is problem behind everything that ever went wrong, he doesnt even talk to me anymore and everytime i try to talk to him he says something so ridiculous that it makes me to lose my mind and i end up with hysteric attack. i only want to be happy and i want him to be part of my happiness instead of continuing to be part of his misery... its so hard to admit that i wasted the best years of my life for nothing...I m emotional wreck.. sorry for this long post and thanks for reading... Please advise
Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear this & nevermind him, first & foremost, you need to get help for you...Phone Gamcare, see what they can offer you! Please also be aware of the National Domestic Violence hotline 0808 2000 247...Nasty is not acceptable regardless of the reason! You also need to do everything you can to protect yourself financially!
I'm afraid other than be there to support him, unless he is willing to help himself there is nothing you can do for him!
Please stick around, there is support on here as well as people who have walked in your shoes who may be able to make some more positive suggestions!
Look after you - ODAAT
Hi Maya,
You've explained the situation very well.
I agree with ODAAT you obviously need help quickly. He more than likely needs help for his depression. Try and get him to see his GP to discuss his problems. Maybe drug therapy and or counselling could be beneficial.
He is an adult and therefore is responsible for the bad decisions he has made and will make in future.. You are in no way responsible for how he is and how he will end up. I feel you need to discuss your situation with close family members as well as Gamcare etc before you make a decision on how to proceed in the future.
Gamblers do not care whom they hurt as long as they can get hold of money to satisfy their urges (as you have found out). He has to want to stop. If he doesn't, do not let him drag you down any further. You've already been to hell and back with his gambling.
I'm a former gambler and recognised the need to stop. It can be done with the right measures in place and determination to succeed.
Ultimately you have to look after yourself. Think carefully.
There may be some relatives of gamblers that may post advice as well.
Best Wishes.
Hi, Maya,
Sorry that you're in this mess. The question for you to think long and hard about is, are you better off with or without him. You may feel that you've invested a lot of good years with him, you'll miss the man he could be - but he's not that man now and there's nothing you can do about it. Only you can control what you do and what you tolerate. He won't change until and unless he's ready.
Protect your finances, call Gancare and or go to GamAnon, get legal advice but focus on you and look after yourself.
Take care.
CW
Thank you all very much for your kind words.. after reading my own post i dont even know what kind of advise i was looking for.. maybe i just wanted to hear what i already know...it just says it all and its clear from what i said, that what is about to happen was inevitable from the very beginning.. but even realising that leaving him is necessary doesnt get rid of my love towards him and that pain and fear of what is going to happen to him, me is unbearable..i dont know how i am going to survive this pain and grief all on my own.. i ask myself questions whether i gave him enough love that maybe i should ve been more supporting and understanding instead of going mad at him.. i wasnt firm enough and didnt make my expectations clear.. i let it come to this point.. and that is my bad that i have bad conscience for.. and cant do anything about it any more..When nice memories of his real self and good times start popping in my mind i feel like i dont even want to live any more.. 🙁
Maya,
It's not your fault, it isn't because of anything that you did do or didn't do. You still think that you could have controlled his behaviour by reacting differently but nothing would have been right. It's not your job to save him from himself because only he can do that. Some CGs do but yours is not ready to change yet.
re your expectations, do you really have to spell out that you expect the basics - honesty, love, respect and a commitment to you? It should go without saying and you're not getting any of them.
Perhaps you could organise counselling for yourself to help you cope with it?
Best wishes,
CW
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