Gambling son, I just dont know what to do any more

Hi, I am so sorry to hear you suffering like this 🙁

A phonecall to Gamcare may be better than me a CG trying to advise you but personally I think you are completely right not to give him more money! @ this stage, maybe if you want to, you could offer to buy him food? Or maybe speak to his girlfriend & give her a small amount to survive?

Sadly no amount of love, tough or otherwise will make him give up, he has to want this for himself & even then it's very hard!

I wish you all the strength in the world to get through this heartache - ODAAT

Hi as67

I too am the mom of a compulsive gambler. My son is 25 and has been gambling since he was 19. I feel your suffering and wish that there was an easy fix for both you and your son. Sadly the best mom's in the world are rendered useless against this addiction.

ODAAT is absolutely right in saying to not give him any money... it will most likely be used for gambling. I like you ended up having to stop taking calls from him ( I block his number when he is in the middle of a binge ) as I started to think I was losing my mind. His ability to manipulate me into thinking it was something we'd done or if we just gave him money then he would get all sorted out or blah blah blah... the list goes on.

I know how hard it is for you as a mom to listen to the lies, to be manipulated and to think when did my lovely young man turn into this unrecognisable, nastly person... it is so painful! However, he is not himself , he is in the grips of compulsive gambling and unfortunately whilst there you really can not reach him. All your well meaning words and help fall on deaf ears right now.

We too went round and round in circles and our lives became complete chaos. I tried everything to fix him, help him, make him see how he was ruining his life but to no avail. Its crazy making!

As ODAAT says YOU need support. Call Gamcare or find a GamAnon meeting (I have been going for a year). It will give you some perspective and a ton of support which you most definitely need right now!!

I am sure you love your son as much as I do mine but you will need to gather your strength to face this addiction down. I try ( not perfect at it yet) to love and support him but stay away from anything that enables the addiction.

There is hope... my son hit his rock bottom a while ago and started GA on his own with no prodding from us. He is doing well and slowly I am seeing my "old" son again!

My heart goes out to you

Please get as much support as you can

Ring Gamcare and ask for help. There is counselling available to family members and although many will say i haven't got the problem you are suffering the consequences all the same.

I agree with everything you have done and admire you for having the strength to do it.

Your son is still in there somewhere, but its very hard to see them or talk to them when the illness gets a hold of them like this isnt it.

Can you get to a gam anon meeting? Support and reassurance from people who really understand is invaluable, it is so hard to stay strong when faced with the things a depserate compulsive gambler says.

Thanks guys I really appreciate your help. I have spoken to gamcare and they advised counselling but as Im disabled and quite poorly being able to commit to counselling - in place fairly local to us, each week, it makes it difficult as I cant say that I will be able to attend properly. They did say the next best thing would be to join the forum and talk to you guys, which Im sure helps. As for giving our son food we've done that several times but we cant do that often as we are on a limited income our selves, plus our son has stolen from us several times and my husband has told me under no circumstances do we give him anything not even food. His girlfriend is a really sweet girl but she is definetly not helping, she says every week she's going to leave him when he steals from her or lies to her, which is every week. I can guarantee that at some point during the week she will call me to tell me hes either stolen from her or lied, I have tried to explain that our son is manipulating her and will continue to do so if she gives him empty threats. The last thing she said to me was that I dont understand and that she really loves him and he needs her help, and implied that we cant possibly love him as much as she does. Our son is incredibly manipultive and uses a lot of emotional black mail so I do see why she falls for it, me and his dad can see what hes doing but she either cant see it or doesnt want to believe it. Amom its as if you are talking about my son, its spot on I really thought how can any body elses life be as insane as ours is. Im so pleased your son is getting help it must feel like you can breath a little for the first time in a very long time. Our son hasnt reached rock bottom, yet his life is unravelling around him, hes at university but rarely attends classes, he's had several warnings from his part time job ( I have no idea how hes kept his job) and our other son doesnt want anything to do with him, which for me is one of the hardest things to see. I really dont think anything anyone of us can say any more is going to make a difference I think for him his rock bottom is going to be something very bad, and it kills me knowing theres nothing I can do to stop that. Amom how do you mean support him but dont enable his addiction, sorry if Im a bit slow on the up take here, but I feel like Im missing something, we dont give him money, wont be any part of his gambling but tell him we will help, what else can we do ?. Our son drifts in and out of our home when it suits him or his girlfriend throws him out albeit very breifly, and he has told us its better than the gutter - I know a real charmer. He has threatened to hurt himself self several times, and weve begged him to see a doctor and Ive told him to call the Samaritans or go to the university counsellor, my husband says he only says it because he knows how much it upsets me and its another part of his manipulation, and only ever says it when hes ran out of things to say or hes not getting what he wants .So what do we do just keep going like this or tell him to stay away but live in the fear that one of these days he will hurt himself if we push too hard, I really feel I cant take much more of this, I wish I knew what to do. Once again guys thanks so much for your help

Everything you can do, you're doing it, but theres no denying it is insane and awful to go through.

Ihave always held the parents of compulsive gamblers in high regard, when i first started going to gam anon, i felt that they were the only people apart from me who didnt have the option to walk away, at a time when everyone was telling me i should leave Mr Pangolin, so the parents are a special group for me.

Well if you are too ill to get to a meeting then we will do what the phone line suggested and start a meeting of sorts here, sharing stories and getting things off your chest is priceless when theres nothing else you can do.

Pangolin, thank you so much you really do understand. Like you say I cant just walk away, even though Im told by some that I should and that my son should just stop gambling and stop treating us badly, its not a simple as that but I guess unless you are in that situation you cant really understand. I wish Id found you guys a long time ago but now that I have thank you so much for your support it helps more than you know. Thanks for understanding about not being able to go to meeting its been a stumbling block for me for ages and I didnt know what I else I could do, so the idea of a meeting here sounds great. Ive decided that today if I get any calls or messages from either my son or his girlfriend Im not going to respond to them, I need some peace for a while. I sometimes worry that what if this is the time that hes reaching out for help and Im not there but as my husband says weve told our son a thousand times we love him and want to help and if he deosnt know by now he never will and that when that time ever comes he will come and find us. I hope hes right

I know Mr Pangolin had what I call 'gamblers fog', he couldnt see or hear what anyone else was saying, so obsessed in his own world, people were either a source of money or a demand and his conscience was missing for quite a while.

One of the important bits of advice we share at gam anon, is to make your life nice, it sounds silly, but we do spend so much time worrying about our gamblers and the consequences of their actions that we forget to think about how we could improve our own lives. Little things that make you happy, you deserve them. Finances were very difficult for me at first, but I could spare £3 to buy a tub of cadburys hot chocolate and put myself to bed with a really nice hot chocolate every night, made me sleep a bit better, which helped too. When Mr P finally went into reccovery and the finances began to calm down, there was more I could do, but in hindsight it wasnt the money i really needed to make life nice it was a change of attitude. I didnt create the situation, i couldnt change it, so I began to stop blaming myself for not resolving it all and started to be nice to myself.

I didnt see the change in Mr P coming when he did decide to try to recover, it came completely out of the blue. He was very much like you and amom describe your sons and then one day i opened the fron door to find him showered, teeth brushed, smiling and doing the washing up, telling me he was going to a GA meeting that night. So dont lose hope, it could happen any day. Just stand firm with your husband and make your life nice together in the meantime.

Hi as67

I'm a CG.

Personally I don't think you should be helping him with money or food. All you will be doing is enabling him to gamble. The less he has to pay to feed himself, pay bills etc. the more he has to gamble.

Please believe me that you are doing the right thing. He will try to manipulate you any way he can, such as the "you don't really support or love me" spiel. As CG's we really only live to gamble, we use other people, and family members are the easiest to manipulate and thus use.

I truly hope that he is near a "rock bottom". That may well come when either his girlfriend throws in the towel and he has nowhere to live, or he gets dropped from UNI, or both.

Probably the most important thing for you now is to look after yourself. Tough love is not easy to dish out, but take heart in the messages written here, that you are doing the right thing. When he finally admits to himself that he has a problem, you can be there to support him in his road to recovery.

Best wishes

Hi as67

You are doing great!! There really is no right or wrong way to handle this. The most important thing is that you realize you are not going crazy and you need to find a way to make your life managable. Kudos to you for reaching out on this forum...it took me a lot longer than you to look for some support!

The nice thing about sharing is that you do find that the stories and behaviour of the gamblers are in a lot of ways identical which is comforting as you realise its NOT something you have done and you are not alone in this. Pangolin is absolutely correct about the "gambling fog" ... when in the midst of gambling they are completely irrational and can not hear what you are saying. His poor girlfriend! She is far too young to know how to handle this. Shoot , I have been doing this for almost 7 years and was at a loss most of the time!

The self harm calls or texts are the worst! I finally took my son to urgent care. It is terrifying. You are 99% sure they are not going to do anything but there is still that 1% chance that you are just not willing to take. In my case I think it is that they are so incredibly frustrated that they don't know what else to do. It is emotional blackmail and it ends up deflecting from the real problem. Offer to take him to urgent care or give him the number for a help line ... this is all you can do. 🙁

I think that being the parent or spouse of a CG has its own rock bottom. You will know when you are ready and you will know when you have to change how you deal things... and be more at peace with it. Keep reaching out here and try to learn as much as you can about this disease!

You are doing great and as Pangolin says be good to yourself... there is no point in everyone going down with the ship!!

Take Care

Cathy

Thanks wal1957 its good to hear from the gamblers side and reassurance that we are doing the right thing even though it doesnt feel like it most of the time. I feel guilty saying this but I do hope hes near rock bottom and that it comes soon, whatever that maybe if its enough for him to have his "light bulb moment" then thats all I want. Like you say he knows just how to manipulate us, its a very unsettling feeling watching him play with our emotions and hes became very skilled at it, we now see it, I just wish his girlfriend would. As I said earlier his girlfriend is the sweetest girl and I hate to see what hes doing to her but while she continues to put up with his behaviour she wont be of any help to either her or him. Im sure she is his Achilles heel, if she were to walk out like shes threatened many many times I think that he would start to question his actions. I know its pointless trying to talk to her again about him so Im not going to try, Ive accepted that shes going to have to realise that for herself. Pangolin you're so right about the gamblers fog, it describes it very well, its as if we are speaking a different language to him, nothing absolutely nothing we say has any effect on him and he can be very cruel, I cant believe some of the things hes said to us and I do struggle to see any part of the sweet lad that Im sure is in there somewhere. We used to have the most gentle sweet natured son who was a joy to be around and now in his place is someone who neither looks like him - hes really let himself go, nor sounds like him but I am trying to understand that its not him and its the gambler in him. I must admit the idea of being "nice to myself" feels a bit odd, I tend to wonder if in someway Im to blame for any of this, maybe thats just part of being a mother or that fact that hes told me Im a rubbish parent so often. Someone told me recently that I am a rubbish parent, someone who actually means nothing to me and has no idea what its like but still very wounding to hear someone say that. Pangolin I would never of thought to treat myself feels a bit strange when I feel all my efforts should be on our son, but funnily enough my husband said the same thing so, like you it will be hot chocolate tonight and I might even break into my gorgeous new candles I got for Christmas. Thanks again guys for your support, it really helps

Amom thanks so much for your help, this has actually been going on for 3 and 1/2 years, its just taken a long time for me to get here. We noticed a change in our sons behaviour when he left school, we couldnt work out what was going on. In hindsight there were losts of alarm bells going off and we just didnt hear them, individually at the time didnt seem to be anything major to worry about plus hed became a skilled liar and we believed him. Our son doesnt have a favourite way to gamble its pretty much anything and everything so when we found out about one of them it was easy to say its a one off or its not as bad as it seems, we really didnt have a clue all we knew was he wasnt himself. Once he went to university he got his student loans and each time he literally goes wild with it, then with a combination of wages from his part time job, begging loans from family members or friends ( which he has never paid back) plus loans from payday lenders and stealing the gambling just spiralled more and more out of control. I wish I could turn back the clock and see what he was doing, but he was so goood at hiding it all we just didnt see it and put his change in behaviour down to being a stroppy teenager. He now has debts of £3000 and has just made his first payment on a debt management plan, his next payment is next week and I know he hasnt got the payment. I did help him set the plan up and its with a charity so its the right place to be, but if this goes belly up Im going to have to be strong enough to tell him hes going to sort it out himself, no doubt he'll tell me how rubbish I am again. Hes threatened to hurt himself several times and it terrifies me, but as my husband points out he only says these these things when he doesnt get the response he wants from us and its another form of manipulation and I think hes right. I have said we'll go to emergency care and hes refused, Ive given him gamcares number and the Samaritans number several times and told him theres always some to help but by this point he just walks off and ignores me. The last time it was a text telling me he might as well be dead and I flew into a panic, but instead this time I sent him a text back telling him to call the Samaritans, and I can honestly say I was terrified Id done the wrong thing. Another thing my husband pointed out is that its me and sons girlfriend that gets this from him, he never says it to his dad or older brother and my husband says thats because me and his girlfriend are the most easily maniuplated, I do see it now. I try to be brave and hope these are just threats. I am trying very hard to understand and I know people say Ive done nothing wrong and most of my brain knows that but as his mother I genuinely wonder if theres anything I have done that could have either caused this or at least seen it a long time ago, after all parents are supposed to protect their children. Thanks so much for your kind words and support

As67.

Hi my name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler, your heart wrenching story has sent shivers down my spine, as much of what you have written rings true with the events of my own gambling life.

In fact I know today I saw the manipulating as part of the 'game' I lived, for over twenty years my addiction got progressively worse, the lies, lack of self respect, value of others all by products of being completely consumed by addiction.

My mum and her husband became more like a banking facility than folk I cared for, it was only when they refused more bail outs that the full extent of the carnage I had brought all surfaced. I have three children, they suffered greatly by my actions as did my wife.

In fact I gambled to the point where we were one day from losing our family home.

I had become completely delusional, life had become so distorted I couldn't see a way out, I could not stop gambling, I still saw it as the solution to my every problem.

Intervention was tried by folk who cared many times throughout my gambling life, the truth is that just pushed me closer to addiction. Without doubt those good folk were all right, but I refused to see it.

I believed that addiction, gambling would reward my commitment.

To repeat the same thing over and over expecting the outcome to change is utter madness, but I lived in those shoes for twenty years.

I CANNOT blame anyone else or anything else except myself for my shortcomings, today I fully understand that, please don't second guess yourself as to your parenting, this is not of your doing.

You like everyone else effected by gambling addiction are the innocent victims, you can't fix the problem, the only person who can is the addict.

Tough love made me take responsibility for my actions.

I work hard today to make amends for all the wrongdoing I caused through addiction.

There is no cure, but there is something on offer

To every addict that is recovery.

Your son is young enough to not let gambling leave too many scars, but only he can address his addiction and the reasons he sought to feed his addiction.

I admire your courage, your honesty, just continue to leave your own honesty on the table, firstly for you and your own recovery. Educate yourself as much as you can, share your knowledge, use this amazing forum for your therapy.

I hope your son seeks help.

As a compulsive gambler I have great shame that you have had to endure such pain through the actions of another compulsive gambler.

As a father I too have unconditional love for my children, I understand that feeling of helplessness.

You have done something amazing today.

In time I hope your son see's it's true value.

Priceless.

Today I have been greatly humbled by your story.

I hope you receive the help and continued support you deserve.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Parents are supposed to protect their children BUT we can not protect them from themselves. My son also saved all the self harm and it would be easier to be dead texts for me not my husband. They know what it does to you and I really think it takes the attention away from everything else. I think you are handling things perfectly except you need to start a bit of self care. When is the last time you had a good laugh or didn't feel like you had the weight of the world on your shoulders???

As you start sharing and learning to put your life ahead of his ( I know , i know sounds like a very unmotherly thing to do!! ) the chaos starts falling by the wayside and your son will have to look more at himself as you have taken away the drama! Honestly that is when things started turning around for my son.

If you can't get to a Gan Anon meeting please keep writing on here... a problem shared is a problem halved!

Cathy