Hi,
After years of living with a gambling addict and going round and round the same cycle I finally ended things last September. It was very hard, but i couldn't carry on with the lies and all of the other by-products of gambling.
We kept in touch and I decided to meet up with him at the beginning of this year. Things seemed different - the way he was... like he was no longer bogged down by all that came with the gambling. I'm trying to keep this message brief, but basically from the things he said it had given him a reality check and he has stopped gambling (which to this day he still says he hasn't gambled since).
We started seeing each other regularly and still live apart, but I'm at the point now where I feel like I have to decide what is right for us if we progress things forward. I have already sat and told him how the past made me feel (as if I hadn't a million times before, but was properly listened to and understood this time), that I won't tolerate lies and how he used to say he would be home, then let me down (I'm sure same stories to many here). Anyway I told him my expectations for being on time and communicating etc so that I have no unnecessary worry based on old patterns of behaviour and that I will not tolerate lies. I told him I want to be with him, but not if he lies etc... that I won't tolerate that and would not maintain a relationship like that again.
However I am now getting to the point where I'm thinking about trying things together again. I just wondered whether people have any advice on this... part of me wants to just give him the chance to be honest and responsible with money etc and if he messes that up, that will be the end, but part of me wonders whether I should be delving into his financial matters to make sure I'm not having the wool pulled over my eyes. I guess I just don't want to be forever looking over my shoulder (which does make me question going back there) so didn't want to be checking up on him and starting back that unhealthy checking up behaviour again.
Any advice?
Sorry if that message was a bit chaotic - it was a but challenging typing it on my phone!
I think if you really want to give it one more go and you think the relationship is worth it then you should. I would have conditions though. Ask to see his finances and credit file etc as proof he hasn't gambled and ask that you have regular access to this, not as a form of control, but for your peace of mind and to support his recovery. Draw a very clear line so that he understands your boundaries and then you must be prepared to walk the minute he crosses it. Good luck in whatever you do x
What about sme relationship counselling or else putting things down in writing, rules and conditions that he needs to stick to? You absolutely need control over the finances and this is something he should agree to, otherwise what is the point? He has stopped gambling but he is still a compulsive gambler....that will never go away and you don't want to find out the hard way if things start up again. You also need to consider the very real possibility that he will gamble again and think carefully about what you would do, how you would react etc....also on his part maybe you have a condition where you say if he is having feelings like he wants to or maybe he does for one day then he tells you straight away so you can support him and protect yourself, be on your guard etc.
Also, has he been getting help himself or just simply stopped?
Hi
I would want to see hard proof in the shape of credit reports and bank statements to all the accounts on those reports that all is as he says. I would also want (as I have) full control of and access to every aspect of his finances along with all assets registered in my sole name and to open any post I wanted to. In short I want ongoing assurance that should Mr L relapse any financial damage he can do is minimal.
If you do want to make a go of things there's no getting round keeping a very close eye on things for your own peace of mind so if that doesn't appeal think hard about where this is going.
My experience is that someone else's gambling addiction is a long term problem that causes immense long term damage all round. A spell gamble free is not the same thing as the real fundamental changes that are required for an addict not to need to use, because they have real connections with the people around them and they have learned to cope with life's ups and downs in a functional way.
Personally, I wouldn't expect this change to be achieved in weeks or months and I would advise extreme caution. Others have advised you to strap your body armour on if you do go back and it does beg the question about whether you really want to live that way. What do you expect and deserve from a life partner?
Hope all goes well whichever way.
CW
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