hi all,
It's been a long time since I last posted on here.
Things, unfortunately are no different than they were then.
I have taken many steps these past months, none have worked.
My mental health has taken a real tumble.
My doctor has advised me to come back on here to talk things through as I seem to deal better with writing things down rather than face to face chats. They have also advised me to be brutally honest. I am now self harming as a way of dealing with my husbands gambling and behaviour that follows on from that. My doctors are all aware so please do not feel alarm. It is a tough admission for me. I thought I had truely hit rock bottom before but I was very deluded in that assumption. I do not cut myself to end my life. I am not suicidal. It's a release. Of pain. Hurt. Confusion. Anger. Anxiety. Worry.....
I will post from time to time. More like a diary entry. Anyone wishing to comment on my posts with advice etc then thanks, I will read and reply back. I hope admin don't mind me doing this. I'm not in need of any outside help as I have a number of agencies already in place offering help and support.
To all those still on here....@Cynical Wife, @Phoenix67, @ODAAT and many others....I hope you are all well and things are better for you than before.
Sad x
Hi Sad, I think you're so brave for being totally honest and for seeking the help of doctors to help you through this. It's awful that your husbands addiction and resulting behaviour has pushed you in this way. It really is hard to put into words what living with a CG feels like. The feeling of having no control over your life and of always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under you in the worst way plus always second guessing everything you're told and then being made to feel like you're crazy for doing so.
I had to leave my CG because I couldn't live like that anymore, I know that isn't the answer for everyone although I do know that noone should ever be able to push you to such limits. Keep talking and sharing and I hope in doing so things start to get a bit easier for you x
Hi,
I have only been on this forum for a few weeks. I am so sorry that you are feeling so low and self harming. CGs have no idea of the mess and destruction they make. You say that you have taken many steps and nothing has worked. You also say that this is your way of coping with your husband's behaviour and gambling. Without knowing your reasons for staying with him despite what he is putting you through I cannot advise either way but it does sound like leaving may be the only option left for you. This might not have to be a permanent. Does he know you are self harming? Is he getting help for himself?
Mumof3 and Horizon82,
Thanks for taking the time to post.
In answer to a few of your points/questions.....
He does know I am self harming. He does also know it is direct response to his gambling and subsequent behaviour.
He is not getting help. He does not ever want to give up gambling. To do so would leave him with nothing in his life....his words.
I have left many times and been drawn back by false hope, lies and the children. Also, the misguided belief that he does actually love me more than his betting. Sadly, I don't come out on top. I'm here for the children's sake and nothing more. They weren't coping without their dad very well.
My numerous doctors etc have been great so far. They know this is in no way an action to end my life, it is merely a reaction to something I find increasingly difficult to deal with in both a physical and emotional way. Their advice to talk on here was Bourne a little from frustration on their part as I don't deal very well with talking therapies. I have seen a gamcare counsellor but it only helped for a short time before I clammed up and stopped talking. It just gets too hard to go further into it all. My husbands addiction is 20yrs strong...sadly
Your words make me very sad for you. Staying for the children is a massive pull but in the end they will suffer more by witnessing an abusive relationship - and that is what it is since his behaviour is the direct cause of your self harm. If you left him could the children still not see him? How old are they? They could also get counselling (if they haven't already)
The words you have said he used 'nothing in his life' so he means that you and the kids are nothing? That is extremely hurtful to have to hear. You say yourself it is a misguided belief that he loves you - deep down you must know that he doesn't with the things he says and the lack of any kind of trying to get help.
I feel so sad hearing this from you. I hope you're doing fine now. I wish you all the best of luck in life and always stay positive.
I know you can past all through. Godbless!!
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