I’m just so angry at my partner due to the secretive gambling, the lies, all taken place while offloading nearly all drudgery and responsibility for family life on me, plus a nice dose of mood swings and foul language directed at me ) He’s been staying at his mum’s since before Christmas when I snooped and caught him running up more debt and happily lying to my face about it. No apologies for the debt or the lies or any meaningful conversation.Tonight he came over to dinner to see the kids an announced he is moving back in TONIGHT. We’ve had no discussion about the gambling, his awful behaviour, the lies. According to him I’ve had enough time to get over things and as the house is in joint names he’s moving back in. He’s checked his rights and there’s is nothing I can do about it. I paid a big deposit on the house compared to him, and we’re tenants in common so I own more of the house than him. No regard for me saying no though and that i don’t want him to. My elderly mother is staying and he’s shouted her and me down and threatened to throw her out this evening into the snow. Not grateful for the money my mother lent to try and help remove the debt, which he built up again . He’s not hurt me, physically the kids or her, but just won’t honour my feelings and get out. I’m not bothering the police as there is no immediate danger, he’s asleep now, but what do you do when your other half will not leave the home and is entitled to be there as name is on the mortgage? He honestly seems to have no shame about running up the debt. He thinks he’s entitled to live here even though I’d be paying for nearly everything (him contributing £300, nearly the only cash he has left after paying the gambling debt). I know compulsive gambling is an illness and I should probably be tolerant but I’m furious! reading the posts from repeat gamblers on here and my partner’s behaviour is just maddening. What sort of person prioritises this c**P over their family, takes it out on their partner, lies, and believes forgiveness is a done deal! He’s not seeing this as a problem so won’t seek help. How do I deal with this?love to get away but seeing I’m the only one that can, I have to pay for this house and he is incapable of doing so or even doing the work to put it in the market. He’s also forbidding me from going away to my mothers with the kids and ideally I don’t want to disrupt them this much or leave my job as it would be 150 miles away and my son adores him, the kids would be upset. Realistically though I can’t live as though there is no problem as he requires! I’d just love to be the feckless, irresponsible d#%head for once. Seriously why is he doing this and how to put myself and the kids first when he’s intent on imposing himself!
Hi there
You may want to discuss your options with a good family lawyer. You should be able to get a free initial consultation which will at least give you an understanding of your options.
You still refer to him as your partner so it’s difficult to tell if you still want to be together and if so on what basis?
it doesn’t sound like he wants to get help or that he is treating you very well. If you can’t talk rationally to him then you need to get some legal advice to protect your position.Gambers can be controlling and coercive unfortunately even if not physically abusive.
Hi Winnie lost. He's showing typical addictive behaviour. In complete denial. The mistakes we all make initially are helping them with debt. Not only does that help them gamble more but it resolves them of responsibility, saying it's ok when it isn't. You don't say if you have sought help? Gamanon meetings will help with advice and support. You can get counselling from gamcare. If you want out as down and out says, you need legal advice. He's hoping intimidating you will control you. Get help and advice from every available resource. Stepchange are good for all sorts of money matters, all free. Try and keep calm no matter how angry you are, that just plays his game. Make sure all your finances are secure , get credit reports. It's all very upsetting and traumatic but when you can't get through to him you don't have much choice. Get some help you will feel better for it.
He needs to take advice from a debt charity regarding getting his repayments onto an afforadble footing leaving him a realistic amount to contribute. For you agree with discussing your options with a good family lawyer.
Cheers for your replies and opinions everyone. Down and Out I’m not sure what he wants in terms of a relationship as we’ve not had that conversation, although it seems he wants to resume family life here. The last couple of years he’s been awful to live with and I don’t feel I can go back to ‘normal’, especially now I know what he’s up to. Been talking to DV Assist a legal charity today. I’m not eligible for legal aid but could represent myself in court to apply for an occupation order to keep him away from the house for 6 months. Solicitor to do this is costly. It’s a lot of work for 6 months only so I might be better to sell. Merry Go Round I’ve started counselling through Gamcare last week and it does help to get things out of my head. ALN, the tenants in common agreement is 91.5% versus 8.5% with me having the larger share.i thought this related to the size of the deposit put in rather than a share of the property minus the amount owed for it. He’s not happy although he signed this and thinks he’s owed at least £100k but that’s unrealistic. Been considering paying to see a mediator to sort these things out. Costly but they keep records which can be used in court I think and ultimately I have to try and keep some sort of contact with him for the sake of the kids.
Looks like you’re doing well and on the way to sorting things out.
Well done and you can represent yourself these days at least initially for the occupation order. Judges should guide you through the process.
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