Help! i really at my wits end...

Hope you're ok. I'm in the same boat. He cleared my bank account out at the weekend & im struggling. I don't think people understand how hard it is.

Hi, no not really, my brain wont shut up. He spent a full months wages and more, i took the card off him and were barely speaking. i dont think anyone understands except people that live with a gambler.

My other half hasn't had a bank card for his account for 8 years. I go on payday,lift his full wage & give him pocket money which helps to minimise the damage. After the weekend when he gained access to my account I'm pushing for him to change his debit card to a cash only one then get can't gamble online. I cried non stop for the past 3 days. We are speaking but he hasn't apologised & won't talk about it. What am I supposed to do just forget it & let things go back to normal? What is your other half saying about it? Has it happened before?

Yeah...I reckon he has gambled at least 4,000 that i know of. Been with him for 5 years, been living with him for 2, I found out he was a gambler before we lived together but still done it but i never knew the extent of sneaking and lying they do.

I gave him the ultimatum of giving me his card after he blew 1,000 14 mths ago and he handed it over, feeling very sorry for himself, said he would get help and started at GA.

But he stopped going, said it wasn't for him but I still had the card and things were so so. He got his card back for petrol one day n kept it although i wasnt too worried as no money was going in it. Then he changed job, wages went in...n then the S***e started. He gave me his card n it didnt work, bank wouldnt tell me anything as it was his. Said there was fraudelant activity on his card n his account was frozen. Thats when I knew he was at it again..took ages to get a new card, then he was paid last Tuesday n blew the lot. I went mental, took his card off him, told him never to ask me for it again or go backto his mums, he told me keep the card. We have barely spoke, except texts, I told him if he doesnt get help he can leave, i m not living this way anymore. I m so down with the massive lies, deceit, I m tired of it all. He wont talk either and I m like you, are we just supposed to forget about it? I can't...He was on here last night as he says he doesnt want to do GA again but i don't know if the forums are enough?

God what a crappy situation! At least he is open to getting help. My oh says he knows he has a problem & needs to get help then won't do anything. I went to the bank & got them to look at my account so we can tally up the amount I have transferred into his account to gamble with. They gave me one year & are waiting for the last 8. When I done a rough estimate its adding up to 40+ grand!!!!! I'm hoping when I show him this it will be the shock he needs to make the change. Compulsive gamblers will say don't give them ultimatums,make them feel bad,ashamed,pressured but what the hell are we supposed to do?!!! I'm heading out to work so I will come on & speak later. Big hugs.xx

Aw Thanks..yes i want to shout, scream, punch him back to reality even tho I know its an illness etc but yeah what are supposed to do. Its so so hard. Every day I ve been waking up thinking...what today? Yes we have got to the bit where I have caught him out again..but we just cant seem to talk about it. Well I dont know if he will get help, or pretend he is...but if he doesnt address it then he needs to go. Speak soon and thanks xx

Hi, both,

My husband is a CG, long term married, growing kids, this is second time round for us. And as far as I am concerned, there won't be a third.

Both times he has been caught out, but there is a notable difference. First time round, he denied that it was a problem, his spread betting was merely investment which can go up or down, he needed extra money to support us because I was slow to go back to work after the last baby. He said that the spread betting would stop but he remained secretive, wouldn't show me anything financial, told me that I had no business to ask about statements, told me what I now know to be Gamblers' Nonsense. I am fairly intelligent, well educated and in a professional job but despite the warning signs, I let myself believe him to keep the peace and the gambling continued unhindered for another three years. Hindsight is wonderful but I do regret letting myself go along with it.

This time round, my son found out the hard way that his savings account was empty. At first we believed the lies and denials, then it became obvious that my husband's story didn't make sense, then the bank statements arrived and we had proof. Once he was exposed, my husband finally admitted it and now he is demonstrating commitment to recovery. I have full financial control, he goes to GA, he is excluded from the website he was donating to, we have blockers, there are notices on his credit reports, I have closed down all accounts into which loans might be paid, our home is in my name and his creditors know that he's not a home owner. He is smart enough to get round all this if he tried but he wouldn't be able to stay in the family home.

Emotionally, it's still very difficult but my point is that there is a real difference between half measures and lip service intended to shut you up and a genuine commitment to recovery.

Look after yourselves.

CW

Hi susan44

There is hope but its up to him, he has to decide if he wants to get well or not, you cant fix this for him.

Its exhausting living with a CG, it beats you down and it seems like its never going to end, but it can if thats what you decide.

You can support him if thats what you want, but he has to really want to get well more than anything and be prepared to do everything possible to do that. I think the forums are a great help but I think for gambler they need more, counselling, GA or both.Cynical Wife says it all, no half measures and lip service it has to be full commitment to recovery.

Im the Mum to a CG and we are now at the point where our son wont be part of lives anymore, we felt we had no other choice. He is still very young and it shouldnt be like this and as his Mum it feels like it goes against everything that is natural to me, to love him and care for him, but it got too much. Im sure you can appreciate how bad things have been to get to this point but we have made the right descion and we wont be changing our minds. I might sound harsh and uncaring but that couldnt be further from the truth, I still love him as much as I ever did.

I would never tell anyone else what to do, but for us this was the right thing, and now that we have a peaceful quiet home I wouldnt change it for the world, not even my son.

You decide what is right for you

X

Much symapthy ladies, you are not alone. Even the people who understand, allegedly, dont often actually understand why I am so inflexible when it comes to our finances. Long ago I gave up saying the measures were for his benefit, because it was open to to much manipuation, claims he was " so much better now", so surely i could trust him with this one tiny thing.... they wear you down and then the little things cant be retrieved and add up to too much control for them and the gambling bug gets them again. Our finances are now run for my benefit, to keep me sane and i dont give an inch. Youre going to have to be ruthless, but do it for yourselves, you cant control them, you cant do anything that can change them, they have to sort themselves out, take the measures now that make you safe and happy. one day at a time, keep talking

susan44 wrote:

Yeah...I reckon he has gambled at least 4,000 that i know of. Been with him for 5 years, been living with him for 2, I found out he was a gambler before we lived together but still done it but i never knew the extent of sneaking and lying they do.

I gave him the ultimatum of giving me his card after he blew 1,000 14 mths ago and he handed it over, feeling very sorry for himself, said he would get help and started at GA.

But he stopped going, said it wasn't for him but I still had the card and things were so so. He got his card back for petrol one day n kept it although i wasnt too worried as no money was going in it. Then he changed job, wages went in...n then the S***e started. He gave me his card n it didnt work, bank wouldnt tell me anything as it was his. Said there was fraudelant activity on his card n his account was frozen. Thats when I knew he was at it again..took ages to get a new card, then he was paid last Tuesday n blew the lot. I went mental, took his card off him, told him never to ask me for it again or go backto his mums, he told me keep the card. We have barely spoke, except texts, I told him if he doesnt get help he can leave, i m not living this way anymore. I m so down with the massive lies, deceit, I m tired of it all. He wont talk either and I m like you, are we just supposed to forget about it? I can't...He was on here last night as he says he doesnt want to do GA again but i don't know if the forums are enough?

I feel for you 100% as after reading your post, you could be me, I found myself thinking as I was reading "and me", I found out that my husband "did it again" 10 days ago and this time it is £5,300, 3 yrs ago it started out at a couple of thousand but in the end with interest and having to take out pay day loans, when my former home sold in January, I paid off £16,000. This time, I have included his family in on his deceit, he has had online support here at GC, but I'm having difficulty like you also appear to be with the wave of resentment that is washing over me. This is the first time I've posted anything and just want to say to you, you are not alone. All the very best.

Thank you so much ladies, sorry i ve been nightshift so not been on.

I need these forums, its such a lonely place to be, friends and family dont understand, they need to they live with it to understand.

CW, I wonder if I m getting lip service this time, I know he needs proper help and he has asked me to find out about councilling this time, but i feel slightly better that i have the bank card again. My worry is him trying to find money another way...so far in all this time he hasnt got money elsewhere that i know of.

AS67, sometimes I think of what life would be like without him and gambling n I admit I would enjoy it..n i dont think you should feel bad, I dont handle stress well n this has eaten me up, gave me horrendous migraines n I blame him for it all, my brain wont stop thinking. But for now, I ll stay with him but i have told him I wont do this again and I mean it only because I dont want to feel like this again.

Pangolin, Im not budging an inch this time,my resentments so high this time, he had to ask me for 50p for a can of coke for work n I felt like a mum giving it to a child. I hate i have to do this too but what can you do?

Didolouise, the resentment is overwhelming and still is, we are talking but I feel everytime he does it a bit of my heart dies too n I told him I m gonna end up hating him. He never admits he does it, he lets me catch him...n i know hes blatantly lying to me. I get so frustrated.

Thanks ladies, its nice to know I m not alone.I spoke to one of the gamcare advisors when it happened n he said what a dark n destroying illness it is n their not wrong! For them, yes but also for us...how many times do you put up with lies, deceit, sneakiness, the let downs and being skint??? Why do we do it? I actually feel better that I found out, so I could confront him and that my brain could rest n not think i was losing my mind trying to figure out the lies etc.

I think i dont chuck him out because, take gambling away, he is on of the nicest guys I have met, I naturally want to help but I know I dont want to do this forever. Right now i need to look into the councilling, he's at work and try n work something out from there. I dont know if hes lying about wanting help but time will tell...take care and speak soon. xx

Hi,

His access to credit is more harmful than to cash. Check his credit report and yours from the three main credit reference agencies, repeat the checks regularly to make sure that there are no unknown loans or cards. He will need to cooperate, if he doesn't, that's likely to be because there's something to hide.

Take care,

CW

I'm new to this forum, but reading all of these stories makes me realise how bad my Partner is! We've been together for 3 years, but don't have any financial things or kids binding us. But the lies and deceit are the same, says they're not bad with their gambling, then he's borrowing thousands off me because his card had 'froze', same lies. I really want to help him but I'm at my wits end also 🙁 you just feel so let down and lost

Bcarney, just remember it's not your fault. You do not deserve this. You cannot help him, only he can help himself. First he must admit and fully realise just how big a problem he has. He has to throw his hands up and admit he has lost control. If he is not being sincere then don't believe him. Next, if he loves himself and you enough, he must commit to change (GA meetings, counselling etc.) Then you have to protect yourself financially and he must make steps to safeguard his money from the compusion (30 day ISA's, online only accounts, no credit cards, ect...). Then and only then can you make your own gamble, decide to stay with him and support him with full compassion. Listen, encourage, don't get angry, don't be anxious. If he is in recovery then he will talk to you openly.

Despite all the safeguards and the consistent efforts for recovery on his part, if you are still feeling anxious and upset; then trust your instincts (if something feels wrong then it probably is) and consider leaving and starting a happier, safer new life. There's a wealth of experience on this forum, listen to these partners and to your own instincts. I made the decision to stay with mine because he fulfilled all of the above criteria. I am aware that he will always be a gambler but for now I am strong enough to trust in his recovery. I am keeping eyes and ears open for any sign of a recurrence but I also can still see the man I fell in love with under the addiction. Keep strong, talk to others and look after yourself first X