Help! i really at my wits end...

Hi Susan44

Before my son started gambling he was a sweet gentle young man, an absolute pleasure, one of the nicest people you could meet. He's still in there somewhere, but unfortunaltey the gambling has the upper hand at the moment.

Im telling you this because you say your partner is one of the nicest men around, and so is my son and many other cg's if they dont gamble.

You know all to well what the addiction does, it changes their behaviour in so many ways and unfortunately if they dont get help it only gets worse over time. We seemed to go round and round hoping that something would change, that our son would do everything he needed to do to get well and apart from a brief time where it looked hopeful it wasnt to be.

People can recover from this addction but they have to want to, nothing you say or do will change that its up to them.

My counsellor asked me a while ago what does my gut feeling tell me, and every single time I was right. If something feels off to you, then Im sure you're right. You can support your partner but you really need to think yourself first, because as nice a man as he is he's a compulsive gambler too and Im sorry to say that comes first for him.

skhan, how do you lean not to get angry? My partner of 9 years has admitted that he has a problem and 3 weeks ago sought help. I have known for a while that there was something wrong, confronted him and he point blank lied to my face.

I understand he's now getting help but I am so hurt and so angry I don't know how to react so I've just completely shut down. We have talked a few times and I've admitted I'm struggling and don't know how I can help, tonight it came to a head when he shouted at me telling me how unsupportive and miserable I am to be around, and that its been 3 weeks and I just need to get over it as he's getting help. He's racked up a lot of debt which he is now paying off, so I'm working my b**t off to financially support us both and I'm resentful when he decided to go to the pub with his last £10 to "make himself feel better" instead of making a small contribution towards the weekly shopping.

I feel like my worlds fallen apart and don't know how to get past it, am I being unreasonable?

Hi Tasass

I know just how you are feeling, world has fallen apart is the perfect description.

You are most defintely NOT being unreasonable we are pushed to the very extremes of what we can take when living with a cg. I love my son as much as ever but I hate what the addcition has turned him into, at the moment for you and I its all still very raw and hurts like hell. If your partner continues in his recovery in time you will gradually start to feel better, and can have a good relationship again, theres many people in your postion have done just that, read Pangolin and A cynical wifes posts.

Ive been told many times that we are not supportive parents and that couldnt be further from the truth we like you and everyone else in this situation have done our very best and could not of done more. What I believe they mean is that now we know about their gambling and have put up with all the bad behaviours that go with it for so long we now start to question them on it and say enough. I know for us our son's idea of support is to leave him alone to gamble, not question his bad behaviour towards us and let him do what ever he wants with out question, Im guessing its the same for all cg's. You have to remember to that a compulsive gambler thrives on secrecy and they dont have that any more and while they say all these hurtful things its taking the emphasis away from the gambling which is just what they want.

Its good that your partner is getting help and Im told that when they get into true recovery they become very remorseful and want to repair the damage they have done. My counsellor told me that I will know when this happens as I will see a completley different son, and for a brief spell when he thought about recovery there was a definte change for the better in him, but unfortunately it didnt last. If your partner continues his recovery you will see that too.

Our son has a lot of debt and hes still avoiding it, and how hes escaped the repurcussions of it so far is beyond me, no amount of letters threatening debt collectors or court seem to of made any difference. When he applied for all of this debt he used our home address so this is where any one looking for him would come, it used to scare me so bad but I one day I told him ok if you dont deal with it when they do come, I wont tell them to go away like he wanted Id let them in so he would have to deal with them. Now that he doesnt live with us and I dont know where he is he's still not have to face it and that annoys the hell out of me. We stopped letting him call the shots and started to get tough with him, very hard but thats what was needed for him and us. Anyone in our postion needs to do just the same, yes you can be supportive but that doenst mean we can let them treat us badly.

Why should you be working your but off to support you both, why cant he do more, and as for £10 to make himself feel better Id tell him to get lost. You have every right to feel resentful, angry, and upset I know I do and if hes in true recovery he should understand that and be climbing over hot coals to make you feel better.

As a mum I thought I could of put up with anything my son could of thrown at me, because I love him so much and just want him to get well, but it just got to much we got to breaking point and couldnt take any more. I was told many times that we cant help him he has to do that for himself and that we need to think of ourselves first but to be honest I think I just didnt want to believe it and really thought that we could help.

Jump forward to now, we love him is as much as ever but we cant help him and we cant live with him, and the last thing he said to me was that we would never see him again. There isnt a word to describe how I feel, I miss him dreadfully but as much as I miss him I will never let him treat us badly again and dont want to see him again until/if he gets well.

My story is quite extreme many cg's go into recovery long before it gets to the point we are at, and hopefully your partner is on the right track now and you will see a graduall improvement. However you have every right to feel as you do, dont let anything he says to you change that, you have have done your very best and I cant stress this enough, be as tough and strong as you need to be and always put yourself first.

XOXO

Tasasss,

I am angry sometimes, but at the whole gambling industry. My partner has never blamed me or hurt me financially. This is because we don't live together. He knows it would be easy for me to walk away. He is engaging with ga meetings. He has got to a point where he knows his gambling is due to something wrong internally and doesn't even blame his environment or circumstances. Only because of his attitude and the way he still shows upmost care for me am I sticking around and supporting him. I wouldn't settle for anything less. It takes a real, committed, almost spiritual approach to beat any addiction. If he is not openly talking to you, reading around the topic then I'm sorry I don't think he's ready to recover. If he's selfish and won't spend his last tenner on food for both of you then I would walk away now. Sorry and please take care of yourself.

Susan44 my goodness I have just read all ur post and it's like I am reading about myself, each time it happens it hurts more and more how do we keep doing it, yes constantly drains you having to deal with the money being ten steps ahead, it all drags you down, and yes without gambelling he is the best husband but I feel like I am going to hate him he is still hear after 13 years together, and I often wounded will it be like a weight lifted if we split up, I have got so much in place now lesson learnt but do constantly worry what will he do if he wants to gamble!! He says he wants to change and if he doesn't have cash it doesn't bother him, but is this lip service who knows all I know there is no trust and I am not sure there ever will be and another sad thing is I wait for it to happen again and don't see us together forever!! Sad as it seems at least I am not on my own coming on here is a help but friends and family will never understand unless you live with it day in day out god I feel like I am going mad some days, constantly overthinking everything, hope life is treating u well, take care, who knows what will be will be but its not an easy life it's c**P. X

Hi Susan44. My heart breaks for you, I feel exactly the same. My husband has recently been caught out AGAIN and this time it is about £8000. Some days he goes through £300-£600. I'm done! I cant live like this anymore. I feel that I want to give you the biggest hug, a glass of wine and to let you know you're not alone. Hang in there x