Here we go again...

Hi Annie this will send you mad, make you depressed. This isn't your problem but your the only one dealing with it. Why can't you make him homeless? Why should you put up with it? I don't understand that argument. As you say you'll never get anywhere while you're paying for two. So the big question is, what do you want? Gamblers are always full of remorse. Lay down some rules if you want him to stay. He goes to Gamblers anonymous , you get his pay, his debts are sorted by debt management company?? I don't know the best way but you have to see them doing something to stop. I had counselling and definitely didn't agree with some stuff they said. Everyone's situation is different. Some gamblers never stop, some never gamble again, some go to GA for the rest of their lives. Ultimately it's what you want, what's best for you. Take control and look after you. Even when you take out a debt plan they allow for living expenses so not all his money should be for debts. Don't feel bad for making decisions that put you first.

Hi,

Sorry to hear what’s happening. A couple of thoughts?

It sounds as if you need your decision as to whether or not to stay in the relationship to be endorsed by someone else, in this case your counsellor. Being able to make your own decisions and being comfortable with them in the face of disapproval or resistance takes quite a lot of work on yourself, especially when you’re used to complying with what everyone else wants. If you do move the focus over to you and keep it there, if you learn to know yourself better and know your values, your aspirations and goals, if you know your own bottom line as to what behaviour you will or won’t tolerate, if you know what sort of life you want to lead, if you know what values and personality you want in a life partner, then you become better able to make decisions for yourself and not against someone else.

On a similar theme, you didn’t Cause the gambling, you can’t Control the gambling and you can’t Cure the gambling. The gambling is his and he has to deal with it and he has to take responsibility for what he’s done and what he does. So it’s not a question of you “making him homeless”, it’s about the consequences of his actions. Don’t “make him homeless” with the aim of punishing or manipulating him. But it’s absolutely fine to say that he has to leave because his behaviour is intolerable, the relationship is unhealthy, you can’t pay for the gambling and the only way that you can achieve financial safety is to be apart. It’s fine to end the relationship if you no longer want to participate in it. Staying in the relationship or leaving it is purely a decision about what’s best for you. None of which is easy to do. Get other help and support, from GamAnon or CoDA, it’s worth the effort of going to meetings.

“The Merry Go Round of Denial” is a booklet available from GamAnon which analyses other people’s relationships with the gambler and the ways in which they end up enabling the gambling. Ultimately, it concludes that the gambling can continue as long as the gambler is continually rescued and therefore cushioned from consequences. Change in the dynamics of a relationship with a gambler comes about through others changing their behaviour and responses towards the gambler.

Hope some of this helps.

CW

You're the one living with the chaos and the uncertainty. You're the one who gets to decide how much you tolerate and where your lines in the sand are. If that means asking him to leave even with apparently nowhere to go for the sake of your own sanity so be it. Shielding a CG from consequences often has the unfortunate effect of prolonging the agony for everyone.

Your goals currently vary wildly from his (his being to stay in action). Your job, your dreams and your interests are coming a very distant second to his gambling and are now at risk. Making decisions that put you squarely first isn't unreasonable.

Thank you all so much I guess I’m not looking for a second opinion just that I haven’t always understood this. I’ve been manipulated even after taking control of the finances being asked for £100 for a new coat which has never materialised. I guess I came To this forum at the make or break part of the relationship. I love my oh and when he’s not gambling he’s perfect. I’m not sure if these are relapses along the road to the recovery or him just going through the motions to keep me happy. That’s the part I struggle with I have no answer about whether he’s ready to stop or not. I’ve found help for him every step of the way. One thing That came out of my counselling is that I fear being trapped and will run if I feel that way and at the moment I’m in fight or flee I’m just unsure which to do. My head says flee my heart says fight. If only there was a handbook on all of this to help you! I’m hoping a week away will help me to sort things out though

You can’t overcome his addiction for him. You might ask yourself why you’re so determined to try ie what’s in it for you?

No one is all good or all bad, but I’m suspicious of someone who would be perfect if only they weren’t repeatedly doing what they are repeatedly doing. What’s real about your OH and what’s your fantasy of what he could be but actually isn’t? Not easy questions but vital to the process of getting unstuck.

CW

I've done the coat thing, or very similar - usually followed by delaying tactics or deflection, eventually life takes over and that sum gets forgotten

Or oh I changed mind, here's the money back (guess where that came from)

You'll know if he is honestly trying, you won't know how well he OSB doing but you will know if the effort is there, it's about the behaviour and attitude towards you as much as the gambling itself

Trust your instinct, I doubt it's wrong

I’m in similar situation . I think looking at it as it is now , the reality of what it’s always or at least least sometimes been with hindsight (when you thought he was being perfect at some point he was hiding gambling from you?) and decide is that what I can accept? Can I accept that this is a life long situation - you will never know if the addiction will get or remain under control . If you can accept this then you need ongoing support for your sanity and also cobfidence comes from accepting what your threshold of acceptance is - ie you need to end the relationship if x happens and know this is possible. My mother in law used to scare me about my husband in early days, saying she was worried about my husband and oput additional burden on me about his welfare do that he was put first when it really should have been me and my baby. I can tell yonow with certainty that my life would have been less complicated if I had ended the relationship then rather than staying to protect him. I didn’t succeed in breaking his cycles of gambling and lying and I haven’t protected myself and now my children from its impact. Others have followed a different pattern but I m not sure you ever have the perfect relationship . We cannot solve the underlying problem and that has to be recognised. I’ve made the mistake of believing it’s gone away but it’s always there whether. The gambler is actively gambling or not. Also confide in people you trust and don’t cocoon him from reality. Knowing there is someone other than you he can talk to that you trust is helpful. Someone who won’t be complicit in hiding a problem. The main thing is it’s not your fault x

Some amazing advice there thank you all as you say he needs to prove himself to me not me wait for him think some conversations need to be had once I’m home

Just an update he’s gone. We split a week ago because I’m making it too hard for him to indulge in his favourite pastime. He ended a week ago and I told him to go sat. Bored of the lies he’s not changing it’s not easy to tell someone To leave when you are their last hope but needs must

Just an update he’s gone. We split a week ago because I’m making it too hard for him to indulge in his favourite pastime. He ended a week ago and I told him to go sat. Bored of the lies he’s not changing it’s not easy to tell someone To leave when you are their last hope but needs must

Also cw and Lethe you’re advice has really stood out (not that I don’t appreciate everyone’s input here). I’ve had two years of this and that’s enough he’s six years two properties and tens of thousands into this. One reason I kept quiet was because I knew everyone I knew would tell me To run and I wasn’t ready for that. This had to run its course and I had to be strong enough to see my goodbyes through which I have done. Knowing people who have been in the non family and friends section of the forum can see my point of view has really helped me to see he’s the unreasonable one not me so thank you again.