Hi,
My partner has been at the football and text earlier to say he was going for a few drinks with his friends. I've found out he's been to the bookies.
He's a CG and around 3 years ago admitted he was in around £18,000 of debt. At first he seemed to be doing ok but last year relapsed.
I sound really selfish but he can't see what this is doing to myself or our little girl. His addiction means he hardly sees us both and I feel like gambling means more to him than us.
I don't know what to do as I'm reaching breaking point. I feel like he has destroyed any trust we may have had and I really can't see him changing...
Our gorgeous little girl must come first. Is there anything I can do to help?
Morning,
Sorry to hear what's happening. There's nothing selfish about considering the needs of you and your daughter. On the contrary, you would be failing her and you if you didn't. But you are in danger of getting lost in the chaos of his addiction. It seems to be all about him and how you can help him to stop. The three Cs: you didn't Cause his gambling, you can't Control his gambling and you can't Cure his gambling. He is the person placing the bets and only he can stop. You can't stop for him. But if he's too comfortable with the consequences of his gambling, there's no incentive for him to change.
If you want things to change then your starting point is to change you. Stop focusing on what he's doing and start focusing on what you're putting up with, on what you deserve from a life partner (honesty? commitment? responsible behaviour? respect?) and on what your daughter deserves from a father. And your starting point for that is to go out and take the help and support that is out there. Call the helpline, read round the forum, go to GamAnon to meet real people with the same problem. Educate yourself about the addiction because knowledge is power. Then you will be able to make the best decisions for you, instead of blindly struggling to achieve the unachievable.
In the meantime, protect yourself financially. Don't pay his debt or cover all the household expenses whilst he gambles, otherwise he doesn't learn the link between gambling and financial shortage. Separate your finances, maybe open an account in your name for household expenses and expect his fair contribution. Get any legal advice that you need, from a Solicitor or the CAB.
By changing your responses so that you are acknowledging the existence of a real problem (the effect that his gambling is having on you) and by behaving in ways that address your problem, these will make it harder for him to deny his problem.
Look after you.
CW
Hi,
Thank you for your honest response - it's probably just what I needed to hear!
X
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
