My son has just admitted that he has relapsed and is now thousands of pounds in debt and feeling suicidal. I am scared he might try to kill himself and - possibly - his own little boys who are 2 and 3. He says he has spoken to stepchange and is going to go to a GA meeting on Tuesday. But he is crying and full of self loathing when I talk to him on the phone. He says he doesnt want me to go round to see him (he is at home looking after the kids, his wife is at work) as he can't look me in the face. He doesn't want me to look after the boys because they are the one thing stopping him killing himself. I don'tm know what to do for the best. He says he hates every aspect of his life, he emailed my husband: "It's less a fear of ending up in the gutter than a desire to get there. Any truly compulsive gambler is actually setting out to lose. It's hard to explain or understand but essentially you hate yourself and want everyone to hate you too so you set about destroying anything. The normal rational side of you is horrified by this and tries to stop it but the addiction and compulsion wins out in the end. At the same time as the end goal of self destruction it's also escapism in the moment and here if the rational side of you does pipe up it's voice the fear actually enables the gambling. Forget the rest of your S****y life and how much you hate your situation as what is important in the moment is which team wins this match and the fear heightens that importance and means something actually matters rather than the general feeling of c**P when looking at the real world. I know those two concepts are kind of contradictory - there is no fear and the fear actually drives the gambling but they somehow go hand in hand to drive the behaviour.If you're not an addict it's almost impossible to understand. Even now when the rational part of me is filled with shame and remorse the other part still is desperate to gamble. I'm never going to be normal and I'm never going to be happy. If it was just me it wouldn't be an issue. I've run a bath and held the knife plenty of times in the past and knotted the sheets round the bannisters but never quite gone through with it because of ... and the kids although sometimes I'm not sure they wouldn't actually be better off."
Hi nana, I'm sorry you're here, it's terrible to read how desperate your son is. Call gamcare, try and get him to see his gp. Does his wife know? No secrets. He needs real help. If there is debt to be paid he must sort it out, don't pay it for him. Stepchange are great with help for debt. Find a gamanon meeting to get support for yourself and his wife. He will find help and support at the GA meeting. There are blocks to be put in place, he should hand over finance to his wife. It is manageable, debt is negotiable. The important thing is his state of mind.
Hi Nana. My son is also a compulsive gambler. I think the vast majority of compulsive gamblers have had a lot of those thoughts. My son talked of suicide many times and had a few half hearted attempts ( i think he truly didn't want to die but just wanted the pain to end and couldn't find a way forward).
Like Merry go round suggests... no more secrets. He needs help as will his wife and yourself. He absolutely can come back from this it's just addiction has such a grip on hiim he can't see that a "normal" life is possible.
I'm sure you have thought of it but I don't think he should be watching his kids alone. That is not fair or safe for them right now.
Cathyx
Thank you both for replying. His wife knows. I checked with his brother in law who was going rund this afternoon because I felt he maybe shouldnt be alone with the kids. I am trying to persuage him to seek medical help. I will be talking to his wife about taking over the finance. She is working this weekend. I think she feels as bad as I do. He says he has made contact with stepchange.
Dear Nana,
I am concerned to read of your son's suicidal thoughts. I can imagine that it is extremely stressful for you, your son and his wife. As other members have indicated please continue to encourage him to engage with help- he can call his GP (or go to A&E if there is imminent danger), he can call us on 0808 8020 133 and he can call the Samaritans on 116 123. There are Gamblers Anonymous meetings available around the UK and free gambling-specific one-to-one counselling.
It may also be a good idea for you to call us (and his wife, separately) for some one-to-one support and/or counselling. GamAnon groups are also available to those affected by anothers gambling.
Best Wishes
Forum Admin
Thanks to everyone for your support. I went round to my son's on Sunday and looked after the little boys until he felt a bit better. He went to a GA meeting last night and has been in touch with Stepchange, I have suggested to his wife that, like me, she find support for herself. I think it will be a long road, but I feel less pessimistic now.
ODAAT Nana.
I am glad you are feeling better. It is a long road but with support it is so much more manageable!
Cathyx
All you can do is be there for him and support him, he may not want you around because of the guilt he will feel towards you and the rest of the family. I had the same issue, I avoided my family like the plague at first because I couldn’t face them after what I had done but deep down I just wanted them to try and understand what I was going through even though it felt impossible and embrace me and not give up on me even when I had given up on myself. I wanted to know they still loved me even though I had become what I had. I didn’t want to be told everything is fine because I knew that would only enable me, I hated when they was stern with me and watched my every action but I understood that they was only doing that out of love and concern, you have to be cruel to be kind as they say but the addict in me would rebel and get riled up over this. It wasn’t until I decided to seek help for myself that my eyes truly were opened. I’m glad to hear that your son is getting help and that he has a loving family to support him, he will need this while he is going through this nightmare and eventually he will see there is a light at the end of that very dark tunnel. Wishing you and your family all this best in this troubling time.
Excellent suggestions, thanks for everyone.
Hello nana ,I hope things are ok with you and yoyrs.
I have a 25 year old son ,who we thought we had got through this ,but it has come to light we haven't . It is devastating and as a parent we carry guilt as well as all other emotions . I paid off his last debts helped him get his own place ,which he pays for ,and thought all was on the up. But now I know differently ,it hurts, it's the lies and deceit that hurts the most. I've just paid his rent this month ,I fear him loosing his home as he would loose access to his son ,which could send him over the edge. He has now asked his brother to be his bank ,so his wages will go into an account manager by his brother ,he asked for this ,he knows he has a problem ,he wants help,and we will do all we can .Financially i have said iv e done all I can ,I cannot help him there again. We think his started to be a problem when their dad died suddenly 6 years ago ,but Of COURSE it now has a grip on him .
Online gambling has been the scourge of our society ,especially the young, it's too easy to do and to them doesn't feel like real money. I hate it !
I wish you and yours all the best in dealing with this , j
The way I stopped is by getting my wages paid into a coventry building society bank account which means you can only withdraw money from the cash point and not able to enter to bank details in to online gaming websites, it's the best thing I have ever done, I hope this helps because it changed my life
Toothill, I might check that one out for my son,he has one set up via his brother ,which he cannot access ,my concern is ,he might feel like a kid after a while it he has to ask for money all the time,though I do understand why he's gone this route
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