How do I know this is the last time?

Hi,

In answer to your question if a gambler wants or needs to gamble we generally will find a way.

However if there are enough barriers in place and they are as high as they can be the addiction can be addressed

Taking control of finances is fab. My wife took control for around 9 months. I carried no cards and v little cash. If i was given cash i provided a receipt to the penny. The bank accounts are audited regularly as i have my cards back.

I would recommend restricting his access to finances as long as possible to break the cycle. Regularly (daily) check your accounts for anything unforseen and obtain credit reports.

GA attendance will hopefully address the addiction.

Be aware of sudden requests such as "can i have access to finances" or " i dont think i will bother with GA anymore". Alarm bells should start ringing.

You mentioned debt - if payments are becoming difficult consider giving stepchange debt charity a call. They can assist with several options and if the debt is in his name he will have to deal with it.

The addiction can be dealt with via support but there also has to be a lot of self responsibility in order to tackle it. An alcoholic is one drink from disaster. As a recovering gambler i am one punt from disaster. It doesnt go away overnight!!

Lastly you must look after you. It is not your fault although some gamblers can say horrible things if they dont like what is happening. Plus be firm but fair with him as honesty with him and by him 100% has to be the way forward.

Best wishes

Hi emm88, is there a gamanon meeting alongside his GA meeting. You will learn a lot if you could go too. Your husband sounds like mine, went for a year then made excuses not to go. He continued secretly using loans to gamble. We both go to meetings again, he has no money, no cards, no access. Cash only for fares etc, must supply receipts and change. That's his choice, after 30 years of gambling he doesn't want to handle money. It can work if you are in control of finance and don't think he's 'cured'. Safeguard your money, no joint accounts. Credit reports to see the real scale. Get support for yourself. Good luck!

You have to do what is best for you Emm.

If you have had enough you need to walk. If you want him to stop he needs to accept he has a problem and do something about it. He needs to see what it is causing and take some responsibility. Maybe think about telling him that he gets help and proves it to you or you walk?Only you can decide. But keep chatting on here.

Best of Luck

Hi Bal,

Thanks for your reply it was really useful. How did you decide when was the right time for you to get your cards back? I absolutely hate having to drip feed him money although he is really good about it and insists on providing receipts. I just feel a bit more like a mum than a wife at the minute?

Thanks 🙂

Hi merry go round that sounds really similar actually!! Credit reports are a great idea and one I hadn't thought of until he suggested it. How do you feel still handling the money after all this time? Do family and friends realise or do you give him money when you are out with them? I'm really conscious of him being embarassed when being out and not being able to splash out on a big round etc?

Thanks AntAnt1 🙂 I just wish I had a crystal ball but life isn't that simple I guess..I'll definitely keep chatting on here it has been so helpful already!

emm88 wrote:

Hi Bal,

Thanks for your reply it was really useful. How did you decide when was the right time for you to get your cards back? I absolutely hate having to drip feed him money although he is really good about it and insists on providing receipts. I just feel a bit more like a mum than a wife at the minute?

Thanks 🙂

Hi,

The decision was made by Mrs Bal and not me and in all essence i wasnt in a position to decide. The drip feeding of money to him is good - its one less thing to worry about and the providing of receipts is really good news.

Only you can decide when the time is right but dont be rushed into making that. Small steps etc.

Best wishes

Hi emm88 no not embarrassing. I like having the money. We'd be destitute now if I hadn't taken over. Our family know, he doesn't go to pub so not real problem. If he goes out he provides receipt. I don't feel there is anything to be embarrassed about. When one person earns money it doesn't make the other feel like a child. It's the safest way. If a compulsive gambler is still trying to get back their cards and they go back to gambling, which my husband did, it shows they can't have money. Honestly I'm sure no one would even notice who paid. Don't keep it a secret, I did and it let him continue. Its only later that I realised. You don't need to tell everyone you know, but I think it helps for support if your family do.

Hi Merry go round that’s a really good point - maybe it’s just me being paranoid about the stereotypical man paying for everything scenario.. but if me owning the finances reduces the risk of him gambling again it’s a very small price to pay I guess!!!x

Hi,

I find managing the finances a nuisance but better than the alternative. Feeling safe is important to me and my having full financial control is non negotiable. I try to be polite to him about it but I don’t worry about his reactions because they’re his, not mine and he is responsible for dealing with them.

CW

Hi

Mr L had the card to the joint account (monitored daily) back quite quickly partly because it was one of the few things he'd never abused and partly because he doesn't carry cash. The secret sole name bank account he used for gambling was closed and replaced with a basic bank account I have the card to and operate. It's used purely for receipt of his salary which I transfer to my account on receipt. He doesn't routinely carry even small change. A tenner a week 'allowance' I naively didn't question was naturally shoved straight down the nearest machine's throat fuelling the addiction and ultimately leading to a doubling of the debt so his wallet is empty most of the time. If he needs cash for say a leaving present at work or whatever I gulp a bit (no receipt!) but either let him organise it at a cash point or get it for him. I see receipts for everything else to make sure there's no cash going out under the pretext of innocent grocery shopping and the like. I don't particularly care whether or not the arrangements I need to feel safe are embarrassing for him because as CW says it's better than the alternative but so far on the rare occasions it's been necessary he's styled it out. CG's get to be masters of invention after all so might as well put it to some use.

This thread is a real eye opener. Hats off to all you partners of compulsive gamblers. I hope to never be the the cause of my partner being in your shoes. Your loved ones are some privileged people. Ty. X

Thanks for the advice merry go round. Im on the verge of leaving and trying to sort this thing out on my own, then if i do gamble again im just hurting myself, I hope yer hubbys staying good and wish you both well.

I was hoping to relax the money thing after a while but it does seem like that's not an option from what everyone is saying. Even now I transfer him money to a basic bank account but only periodically check where it was spent so I think maybe I need to be a bit stricter. A good point Lethe about if anyone should be able to style it out it's a CG!