How do you leave?

There are no easy answers but you should always look after yourself first. If he does not want to be saved you will not save him, so make sure he does not drag you down with him. I know there are people with similar stories and I hope they reach out to you soon. I wish you well.

Best

C

Hi sunshine9, you are not responsible for his mental health...he is. I see that you love him, have you told him that you will leave if he doesn't stop ? I'm the recovering addict so I can only give you my point of view you will get replies from partners of addicts who have "walked in your shoes " My husband found out about my gambling addiction and we are working through it , we have a 16 year old son and that was definitely a driver for him to support me but I am under no illusion that me messing up would be an end to our marriage. If I say what I've done to stop gambling you can understand what it takes to stop. 1 I have used Gamstop to block my access to online gambling....there are things that you can also do if the problem is the bookies etc 2 My husband has full control of our finances ...he gives me shopping money etc. 3 I had 8 weeks counselling organised by Gamcare...who are brilliant and will support you as well as your partner 4 I now attend weekly GA meetings there is also Gamanon that is for friends and family of compulsive gamblers. But the thing is I wanted to stop before I got found out I didn't know how to or how to deal with the addiction. But that's the thing I wanted to stop and I've been willing to do anything it's over 7 months now but I know addiction is for life I will always have to employ tools to help me, does he want to quit ? As c43h said no easy answer, no magic wands and only you can choose . I'm sorry for your distress it always bounces me back to what I did, I can't speak for your partner but I know I never meant to hurt anyone and I will always be sorry, but the only way I can make amends is by staying gamble free and putting in the hard work. I sincerely hope that you find a way forward, but you must look after yourself first, take care and best wishes

Hi sunshine 

I’ve been and read through some of your earlier posts. This has been going on a while, 2017 were the posts I read. You say he won’t go to GA, have you looked at gamanon? We always want the gambler to stop. What really helped me was when I stopped. I stopped helping him out, I stopped listening to him, I stopped giving him money to pay debts. 
I focused on me. I went to Gamanon meetings, I went to a solicitor and financially separated myself from him. I showed him that I wasn’t going to put up with it anymore. I stopped and looked at myself and thought about what I wanted.

I did the gamcare counselling too.

 The thing that will damage his mental health is the gambling. His life will improve once he admits to himself that it’s just sheer pain and misery.

We can’t do it for them. But we can stop trying to sort it out and worrying about them.

Being involved with a gambler is about us. 
Your question should be ‘ what am I going to do?’ If you’ve really had enough you need to leave, be strong. Have your boundaries clear. 
They are not children, but they behave with no responsibility as if they were. There are many reasons for this but it’s up to us to stop making excuses for their bad behaviour.

 There aren’t many posts about partners who have left because they have no reason to be here. The one thing I have learned through this, is that this is about me, just as much as it is about the gambler.

Hi Sunshine

I left my CG husband (now exh) three years ago after it became very clear that the very small steps he was taking to overcome his gambling were merely to keep me quiet and that he wasn’t committed to recovering at all. 

I was very worried about his mental health when we split up but quietly hoped it might prove to be his rock bottom. 

However my main focus was on the things I could control - making sure me and the kids were ok. Taking things one day at a time. 

I made sure he had somewhere to go. And I reminded him of all the support networks available to him. But everything else was down to him. 

Three years on and we are divorced. He sees the kids every other weekend. I’m pretty sure he’s still actively gambling. But that’s on him. I feel sorry for him. But I also feel relieved and free. 

@merrygoround you were a great support at the time. And you’re right, like many partners who have left, I’m not on here much. But I do still lurk occasionally because I still care about my kids’ dad and the impact his actions might have on them. 
@Sunshine - I wish you all the best. I know I did what was right for me and I have absolutely no regrets. I did everything I could to try and get us through his addiction together, but unfortunately he was not on board so I had to cut loose. 

I stayed but only because I could see Mr L was putting in the hard yards.

He is under no illusions as to what would have happened and still will should that stop.

Your partner's mental health and well being isn't your responsibility. There's a wealth of help out there for him if and when he's ready to take it. Look after yourself.

As a partner/spouse you cannot control your other half, you can only give them support but it's important you support his recovery and not his addiction. If he keeps reverting to type and gets excused and bailed out etc then only his addiction is getting support.

Supporting his recovery involves learning about the addiction and advising him on what is needed and expected of him along with laying out the consequences should he not meet these standards. It also means getting support for yourself as you deal with all this. 

If you are staying, set out conditions that you need in place, he attends GA, gives you financial control and access to all his accounts, banks, credit, emails etc. If he is not willing to accept those then there is no point staying. If he is then let him know that if he falls off the wagon you are leaving. It's still in his hands but now his actions have a clear consequence but it's vital you follow through on it.

I wish you all the best and keep posting.

Thank you for the responses. I forgot to mention that we are supposed to be getting married very soon. At the moment I feel relieved in a way that COVID keeps pushing this back. Had the same promises that this will be the last time and he has agreed for me to have access to everything. But I still find myself not sleeping at night because I’m scared he’ll start gambling while I’m asleep. It’s just no way to live. With our wedding potentially so close it all just feels like so much pressure and it’s really hard to think clearly. @red-rock’s comment about feeling relieved and free has stuck with me so much. I’m starting counselling through a Gam Care partner so I’m hoping this will help think a little straighter. 

Hi Sunshine. I'm a firm believer of trusting your instincts.  If you feel uneasy about getting married at this time, even if it's just that occasional unsettling inkling, then keep putting it back. Trust your inner voice. You need to be 100 assured that your partner is putting everything into making sure you are both heading for a positive, fulfilling future, otherwise what's the point. Counselling will be fantastic for you and, like everyone here, wish you the very very best.

I accessed the counselling and it was really helpful in sorting through the conflicting emotions I felt and clarifying my thoughts enough to know I was making the right decision for me and my circumstances.
I hope you find it as valuable as I did in working towards the right decisions for you.