How to cope with the emotions?

This may sound really harsh but you were in a relationship with an addict. You can't trust an addict and you certainly can't have a healthy relationship with one. She doesn't have emotions, she is numb. She's consumed by addiction. In her eyes she's probably just waiting for the money from your house. This is not your fault. In all honesty you've probably had a lucky escape. It doesn't feel like that at the moment because you've invested 5 years of your life into your relationship. You can call gamcare and talk to someone about how you feel. They are better advised than we are. You made a choice to not accept a partner who wasn't treating you with respect. It's normal to grieve a relationship, you deserve to be happy and with someone who cares about you as much as you do about them. Stop punishing yourself, you did nothing wrong.

Thank you for your response, it is appreciated.

I just can't get my head around this... I still feel guilty for not being strong enough, and having to throw in the towel, and I'm not the one who has caused this!

And yet there is no remorse, no attempt to reach out and care or anything. Its just so frustrating!!!

Hi

I am going through exactly the same thing right now. Seperated from my husband but he really does not seem to care. Pretty much happy enough to ignore me. It’s soul destroying when you have been forced to make such a decision and they have no comprahenstion of the agony they have caused you. All I can say is your not alone. I am sorry you are going through this and there is no closure for you.

I'm sorry to hear that esme, it is rough...

It is just so frustrating. I wish there was someway that we could just get the other person to open their eyes rather than be constantly looking inwards at themselves.

I genuinely think that would help with being a CG too as it forces them to look at the effect it has around them

That's what they can't deal with. They revert to the 'gambling bubble ' because they can't deal with emotions. They can't face what they have done so they hide from it. Don't be guilty for seeing that they are unwilling to change. You cannot open an addict's eyes they have to get to that place where there is nothing left. Some never stop. You can't live like that. There is no guilt staying or leaving. You've made a choice and so have they.

Don’t romanticise what your relationship was. Amid the crumbs of attention she gave you, she was emotionally absent whilst she gambled and she lied and manipulated along the way. This may well be what you expect from a life partner, but it’s dysfunctional. Beware of the next time being worse, unless you look at you..

What exactly do you mean that you weren’t strong enough? You weren’t strong enough to cope with the abuse? Try another viewpoint. Take the view that you are a child of the universe, that you have your place in the world without apologising for it, therefore you deserve love, serenity, respect (fill in your own), therefore you can see that the abuse is harmful and not giving you any of these things, therefore you refuse to allow yourself to remain in an abusive situation. Making it about you and not about your SO is vital. And if it’s about you, knowing who you are, what your values are, what your dreams and aspirations are is crucial. As ever, try GamAnon and CoDA.

Or do you mean that you weren’t strong enough to fix her? It’s not your responsibility or even your business to fix someone else. She’s an adult, her own person, it’s her work to change her and not anyone else’s. Your work is to change you, so that you don’t gravitate towards the same again.

Focus on you.

CW

I just want to say a huge thank you to CW and Merry Go Round.

I really appreciate your words, and to be quite honest, being so straight talking. It's what I really need right now.

I read another post that I actually think came from one of you two, about falling in love with the idea of the person could be, rather than the person they are now. That hit home pretty hard, as it resonates very strongly.

It's just such a shame, because although I am still angry, still sad and all the rest of it, I don't think of her as a bad person at all. Just someone who has lost their way and done a bad thing.

When she told me she had signed up to gamstop, I was very proud of her for making that vital step forward, but unfortunately that's where it seemed to stop.

I think for a long time I am going to still hope in the back of my mind that one day she may learn the necessary lessons, and in some fantasy world we might be able to make another go of things, but alas, my head tells me that is just a pipe dream.

Again, thank you so, so much, just for taking the time to reach out and offer some much needed words of wisdom.

The way I stopped is by getting my wages paid into a coventry building society bank account which means you can only withdraw money from the cash point and not able to enter to bank details in to online gaming websites, it's the best thing I have ever done, I hope this helps because it changed my life

I feel your pain, I found my other OH had gambled 4th time around and once again had to bail him out, I found out in Nov and said we would give it till End of Jan to see how things went, it was great for first 3 weeks we both were on the chat group every night he was making an effort and talking and now it’s like it’s all forgotten about and we are distant again, I selfishly feel like I don’t want to be putting in as much effort that I feel she should be as he’s the one that’s has messed up over and over again, each time he never really apologies and only tells me when I catch him out, we have been together 14 years but at the moment it just feels like our relationship is dead, i fear ending it in case he goes back to gambling and then he loses his job which in turn means i may not be able to afford to stay in our house with children, not quite sure what to do, it’s a horrible situation when you hardly any speak to your OH, at the moment everything he does just irritates me .... mainly because he just hadn’t put any effort in!

I can really sympathise with that, I truly can.

As some of the others have said, it just means they aren't really in that place to get help and change for good.

It is so frustrating knowing that they aren't thinking of you anywhere near as much you are of them, but the reason is down to the gambling, whether it be they still want to gamble or even just because they burying their head in the sand so they don't have to face up to what they have done.

It hurts so much, and I have been going around and around in circles as to whether I should reach out again, as my SO moved out very quickly before Christmas, and since I have heard nothing, and any contact I have tried to make has been batted away.

Unfortunately last night I found more bad news. When I went to my family, they helped consolidate everything as because of her actions, I was on the verge of losing my home. We took care of what we thought was everything, but there was something niggling in the back of my mind, so I decided to do a credit check with experian.

And there it was... Another ВЈ12k...on top of the £27k that had already been grouped together. More credit cards, loans... Just when I was thinking I was safe and things were going to be okay, its like I've had all the air sucked out of me and I can't breath.

I'm back to being scared again, on top of the emotional distress, not knowing what to do, feeling like I've failed as I couldn't stand by her again like so many others have done.

And the worst part is I can't even talk to her about this. She is making out she is all fine and dandy, moving on with her life, getting onto sodding tinder and casting me aside, actint as if our engagement and the last five years meant nothing, whilst I'm still sat here crying myself to sleep most nights, wanting so bad for things to go back to how they were...

I just don't know what to do anymore.. I'm so exhausted and simply fed up with all of this... It's never ending...

Gamblers spend their time in denial. Hiding and lying about everything from emotions to money. They will hoodwink you about anything be it who ate the last cookie! Seriously it is exhausting. But you won't get better until you get help. No bailouts. If you bail them out they can play. If your partner is distant he's most likely gambling. You believe their promises we all want them to be honest with us, we want to be in a normal relationship. This is not normal, not healthy. For this to get better you both have to get help. That means the gambler and their enabler. If you want this to stop you have to get help. Living with a compulsive gambler sends you mad. They constantly blame you, play the innocent, lie to your face, tell you it's you. While you continue to play the game 'the merry go round of denial ' this will continue. Leebee I was just like you, if I left he'd self destruct. I found a meeting, I learnt how to cope, detach, not pay. Anononon your ex is in denial, she's on the lookout for another enabler to fund her gambling. I hope she's not left that debt for you. Get advice from stepchange.

Sorry pet, you are best off without her, she clearly isn’t bothered, cancel any joint accounts, cancel credit cards, get your life back.

Although the debt isn't in my name, her registered address is still the home that we shared. I am currently trying to work on getting the mortgage in sole name and then be able to close joint accounts... But the amount of money required is obscene.

What worries me is that I have to get her to do something otherwise I'm going to be out of house and home whilst she is still okay renting elsewhere, although I don't know how long she can keep that up as I can see the repayments are pulling her down.

If you are paying the mortgage you won't be evicted. If her loans are unsecured that doesn't affect the house. Stepchange or debt camel can give you advice. Get legal advice if you have to. Focus on separating yourself from her financially. Get all free advice you can.