How to deal with this and help him

Hi Simone, welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing this honest and heartfelt post,

You have every right to feel the way you feel, and my heart goes out to you for the what you are experiencing.

I gambled for twenty years before I stopped over five years ago; my help and advice comes from that perspective - it may sounds like I am making excuses for him, which isn't the case because he should have come to you earlier, and he has a responsibility to deal with this head-on.

He has offered to hand over control of his finances to you which is a positive step but not a cure and not a solution; a lot of compuslive gamblers never reach this stage so there are some positives to be taken from this.

I can understand you feeling that he jeopardised your life and future without a second thought; if I had never gambled, I would have thought exactly the same myself. When you start, each and every time, you never believe (or want to believe) that you will spiral out of control, but it happens almost each and every time; you "zone out" emotionally where consequences and life circumstances don't enter the equation; it's only when the money has gone that reality hits you like a freight train; this is why compuslive gamblers can never gamble, not even pennies at a penny arcade because once they start, they are lost, they are gone; everyone has an element of control before they start, no matter how strong the urge, but once they do, they are gone.

This is why he is in such a bad way at the moment - it's not that he didn't care, or didn't mind about hurting you, it's the fact that he should of done more to deal with the problem and ensure that the debt and lies didn't snowball to a point where you don't know what he has done.

I have walked many miles in his shoes and I understand and feel his pain to the point where the hairs are standing up on the back of my neck. But, he has to be practical, and he has a responsibility to you to ensure that he receives help as well as resolving to stop himself from gambling ever again. If he accuses you of being negative about asking him details, then explain that, as you say, you have to be practical and that there should be no secrets anymore - he has laid all his cards on the table, he has explained what has happened, and now you have to deal with the fallout - of course, that is going to be very hard and painful for him, but he must appreciate how you feel as well; you want to help, you want to be sympathetic but if he curls himself up in a ball and doesn't want to address it, then neither of you can move forward.

Approach him as if he was a friend, and you were trying to solve a common problem. I know you want to express your feelings, I know that you are hurting, but the most important thing is that you know exactly where you are financially, and exactly how he feels. He feels great shame, he is very upset but there is no hiding place anymore - the damage is done, you are aware and now you need to address it as a matter of urgency. He chose to be in a relationship with you, and he has a responsibility to do what is necessary to tackle this affliction, and ensure that you have peace of mind and faith in your relationship.

I know how personally and how hard you have taken this my friend, but take gambling out of the equation - is he generally an honest, decent and thoughtful person? Compuslive gambling made me anxious, deceitful, tempremental, emotional, depressed and much more besides; since stopping, I am none of those things now and couldn't imagine feeling that way again.

It is hard as I said, but the key is making inroads into how he feels, what has happened, and where you go from here. He is in a fragile state so you have to tread carefully, when you probably feel like doing exactly the opposite but it is the right thing to do at the moment, however hard it might be for you.

JamesP

James, thank you so much. That is the first time anyone has said anything that makes sense to me about this. I was allowing my own hurt to stop me from seeing the way forward. I wanted him to acknowledge what he's done, but he can't, not yet. First he has to learn to live with never gambling again. The rest can come after.

He is a kind, thoughtful, loving person, when gambling isn't involved. I hope he can find that person again and learn to be him completely.

As for me, I'm being kind and careful with him, and not rocking the boat. I've sorted out finances myself and it should be ok.

But how long until I can stop second guessing him? How long do I keep assuming he's lying about where he is, what he's been doing, or how much he's been paid. He's got some overtime coming up, he's told me how much they'll pay him, but I can't help but assume that he'll get extra cash in hand and not tell me about it, as that has been his pattern in the past.

He tells me that I need to show that I trust him for it to be worth all the pain he's going through, but how can I trust him when he hasn't demonstrated that he's earned that trust? In the past he's used partial openness as a smokescreen. So, he'll let me see parts of his bank account, but meanwhile he'll be using a second account or getting paid in cash, but if I voice suspicion he points to his "openness" and accuses me of being controlling and paranoid. And if I am controlling, he then says what's the point in him not gambling if I don't trust him.

I guess what James is saying is that I must be gentle to him and praise the little steps he takes, and not get hung up on any small relapses. The problem is that if there is another episode like last weekend I don't think I can take it or live through it again.

Thank you so much for letting me ramble on, it helps hugely to know that someone out there understands.

You're very welcome Simone, no trouble at all,

If he phones you, each and every time he feels even remotely tempted, then you won't have to second guess him.

I would explain that you want to trust him, you don't want to be controlling or paranoid but he has to give you something to work with, for your own peace of mind if nothing else.

You can be gentle, but you have to be constructive at the same time. He wants this all to blow over and for you to carry on as you were, with you believing anything and everything - that won't happen without putting things in place and analyzing himself very deeply.

Ask him whether he thinks he needs help. If the answer is "no", then ask him to maybe think about visiting GA or visiting this website; say that you are not judging him, you are not accusing him of anything but he may see something of himself in what people say and write.

Ask him whether he feels ok in himself; is there anything that drives him towards gambling like stress, worry, the need to "blow off steam?" I found that I had gaps in my life when I stopped that needed to be filled, so I started doing charity work, went hiking, did writing, singing and much more; they gave me things that gambling never could; maybe there is something you can do together? A new hobby, a new interest?

Maybe there is something you can plan together like a holiday or long-term goal? The reason behind this is that everything is negative at the moment - you need hope and he needs focus; if you have something to work towards, then you are thinking postively and proactively.

He must understand and appreciate that zero tolerance is the only way forward; no-one wants to admit they have something in their life that they can't control but unfortunately, he and I are not built that way - if he wins, all is will do is make him crave more of the same (which invariably leads to losing), if he loses, then he faces soul-wrenching desperation to get back what he has lost (which leads to losing more and then spending money he doesn't have) - others can walk away, either way - it doesn't affect them in the same way. There is nothing either of us will ever be able to do to break that lose-lose scenario, and there is no such thing as an innocent bet, even if it is for pennies as I said; not for what they are, but what they will lead to.

He hasn't changed my friend - if they banned gambling tomorrow, worldwide, it would almost be like flicking a switch; if he made a good start, several months or so, you would notice the difference, possibly a considerable difference. It proves it truly is all in the mind.

JamesP

Thanks again for your wise words. I'm going to print this out and save it so I can read it when I need to.

He's three days free now, and I think the rawness is fading a bit. He has started to apologise and I think appreciate what has been done for him, but I know it will be a long road.

I feel that, while things have perhaps been made too easy for him, and maybe I should have thrown him out, I'm not sure that would have worked. He would have found some other way of self destructing. In his flashes of self awareness, he gets it, and I think those moments are becoming more frequent now.

He has of course blamed me for his gambling, but I know that it is the addiction talking.

Maybe I'll get over all of the bitterness in time, but I know that the aftermath of mistrust and betrayal will be with us for some time. He seems to think that I can flick a switch.

He simply doesn't understand that when you are lied to, and those lies are discovered, you can't help but to be suspicious and almost expect deceit again. He thinks that this is me being negative and holding the past against him, but it isn't. He needs to demonstrate that there are no more lies, but I don't know how to communicate this to him.

Happy to help Simone, no worries at all,

I agree with you - I don't think that throwing him out would have been the answer either; the positive thing is that he offered to hand over control of his finances, and appreciates what he has done.

If he didn't, and has no intention of improving the situation or trying to find help, then I would say that is the time where you need to consider your future. That is mostly the case - if you read a lot of posts here, there are many, many partners with compulsive gamblers who ignore the problem and won't do anything about it.

Realistically, I don't think he expects you to flip a switch, but he wants you too; he wants this all to be over and for you to pretend nothing ever happened. This can't happen - this is a recipe for disaster; you have to plan a different way forward and things need to be adhered to; he has to appreciate that.

I would explain that you don't want to be negative but this is a natural reaction to what has happened; he can only expect so much at this point. The rest is up to him to prove - I was desperate to, I was desperate to prove to those I loved that I was changing how I lived, and that I could be trusted; this is where his focus must now lie, on your future and making sure you know anything and everything.

I am glad he is coming to terms with things, and three gamble-free days, particulary when he is very upset and vulnerable, is much more positive than you would think. I sincerely hope he can build on that and do what is necessary.

JamesP