How to decide what to do??

10 Posts
4 Users
0 Reactions
1,516 Views
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

To say I am lost is an understatement. When I met my husband 17 years ago I did not realise how deep into gambling he was. It got to the point he had spent all his money, I was footing the bill for things. He would pronise to quit....that was always short lived. He would lie about where he was going. He promised when we got married it would stop 13 years ago....when we had kids 7 years ago...well it has never stopped. Maybe for a week here or there. On vacations he blows all pur money. Now it is online sports betting and I am not his mother so who am I to tell him what to do with his money. I pay for the credit cards I paid for pur car, I even pay 1 child's school fees. He tells me he works hard. When I spend money on groceries, activities for the kids he compares it to what he spends.

I have tried to talk to him, take over accounts and he gets nasty. He is only happy when he is betting and I say nothing.

I do not what to do. I feel like the only option is to take my kids and leave. I have no one to talk to. He breaks me heart over and over.

There are no support groups where I live.

 
Posted : 24th June 2017 3:51 pm
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)
Posts: 1508
 

Hi momof2 my husband also liked online sports. Online gambling can run up massive debt really quickly. He probably has loans too. stop paying his bills. Try and save money for you that he can't get at. If he sees you paying the bills then he doesn't have to. He then sees his money as his to play with. You can call the helpline and talk to someone. There is also counselling that would help you. Keep talking on here too there are lots good people on here to offer experience and advice.

 
Posted : 24th June 2017 5:00 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Mum... I am not in the UK but I know you can call Gamcare. When you live this way for so long I can imagine that it is your "normal" and that there is no way out. You need to get another perspective on it by talking outside the circle of addiction. How you are living is not normal no matter how hard the addiction/addict tries to convince you otherwise.

I wish I had something more concrete to add but only you can decide what you need to do... so sorry!

Please get some support for yourself 🙂

Cathyx

 
Posted : 24th June 2017 5:09 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi, just posted to you on Betty's thread, not sure how I missed this. Welcome to the forum 🙂

Hopefully here you can find some much needed strength to figure out how to move forwards. I want to kick your husband because only an addict could justify their appalling behaviour with comparisons to the cost of family life. Please call the helpline, if you are isolated I have read that they do online counselling. It's not healthy for you or your children being in this toxic environment but as long as you are there picking up the pieces, he can continue servicing his desires & not giving 2 hoots about people he should be caring for.

I wish you every continued strength as you move forwards - ODAAT

 
Posted : 24th June 2017 5:59 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

Thank you for all the advice. I guess not the best title for my post as I know I have to decide what to do. Just feel so lost. It has been ongoing whether playing poker online visiting casinos when we travel or now the sports betting. He will quit one site vow he is changing and join another. We have been on vacation and he has blown our spending money!

When I catch him out he lies to me and denies spending the money. Even when he knows he has. Then he questions why I am distant, well you lie to my face. As my husband he is supposed to be my biggest supporter and vice versa. I cannot do it with someone who cannot be honest.

I have no one to talk to about it because I keep it all to myself. I was thinking of having my pay put in another account he will spend his earnings and leave me to pay rent. He knows I will pay as
our landlords are family and they have no idea

Just lost and heart broken. The worst part is he is not a bad person. We all lose out because his life is his phone!

 
Posted : 25th June 2017 1:09 am
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)
Posts: 1508
 

Hi mumof2 you've been putting up with his behaviour for too long. Yes you definitely need to separate your money asap. Do you see bank statements? Does he have loans? Is he at rock bottom or does he have money to gamble? I definitely think you need to call the helpline. Unfortunately the gambling thrives on secrets and lies.

 
Posted : 25th June 2017 7:25 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

He does not have loans because vacations go on my credit cards. He uses our debit card now. I can see what he bets as we are both on the account. Before we met he spent all his savings and was doing it based on his weekly pay check. I am taking control of my money, I was able to save money on my own before and I will do it again for the sake of my kids

 
Posted : 25th June 2017 11:23 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

He is not a bad person, just how do you make someone quit? I feel like he has to hit rock bottom and lose his family or it will never stop.

 
Posted : 25th June 2017 11:27 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Rock bottom is a state of mind & as people on here have identified in a recent discussion point, rock bottoms have basements...I thought I was there many times but living in the fantasy world that I was, my addict's brain kept assuring me that 'this time' it would be different!

I do understand that telling people would be hard but what possible reason do you have for keeping it quiet? How can you be sure he isn't borrowing from these family members? My Nan lends & lends & lends to my mum, "shhh, don't tell Kelly" until my Nan has nothing left & is scared to go away on her trips with the wrinklies because she has no spending money...Then I hear about it & have to pick up the pieces. All her friends were begged to come through me if she asked, they're not her friends anymore...Either because they didn't tell me & she borrowed up to her eyeballs with them or they wouldn't loan her without speaking to me. She has stolen from my wardrobe whilst I was ill and watched me shaking with fear that I needed to call police convinced I had been burgled in my sleep as she point blank denied it was her that had taken it. My mum isn't a bad person, I can't even say she's a terrible mother, she'd do anything for anyone in a crisis but I have to be honest & say she's an appalling role model.

You're not his keeper, no, but having a family is a huge responsibility & unless you are uber rich, money isn't spare...If he were paying for everything I could understand the 'extra' being his but this isn't just about the money. He will be distant & vacant, thinking about his current or next bet when he should be 'in the room'! Why bother going on holiday with you all if he prefers the company @ the casino? It took me a very long time to recognise that gambling isn't about the money, still do think it was greed related but as is evident all around the site, I can no longer deny that it's a mind problem. My mum is a very long way from getting better, our relationship even more strained than it has ever been as I both resent her for 'letting me' (it's never our fault) get so bad & respect her for still being able to function after all these years of damage but having started to say 'no' when she asks for money, it's given me some breathing space. For you, it's the lies & deceit, I imagine in his head somewhere is a heap of justification about doing this to make your lives better. Getting help for you will help you recognise the fantasy. I have met upwards of 20 people in my GA room from all diversities & all walks of life & yet we can all relate to the very same pages of the GA orange book...Gambling is nothing new, it's an addiction just like all the others and the best thing you can do is get to know your enemy! Enabling him to continue unabated does no one any favours, you don't deserve to be treated like this & you shouldn't be the keeper of his terrible secret. I don't know how you get him to realise he needs help but I do know that tough love will be required because without boundaries we will just continue to take.

Please, if nothing else, know the helpline is there for you - ODAAT

 
Posted : 25th June 2017 12:19 pm
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)
Posts: 1508
 

Dear momof2 I'm not saying he is a bad person, an addict is lost in his world and when you start putting barriers up or questioning them, they don't like it. I'm with you on how do you get them to stop. Maybe telling your family and his will make him stop. What have you got to lose? You need support, you need to tell him that it's not your responsibility to pay for everything while he gambles. Doing that let's him gamble. I only realised when I went to meetings. If you can't make a meeting use the helpline. Go on live chat. Anything to get support, gain knowledge and find out the best way to stop this. I certainly wouldn't be booking holidays. The last holiday abroad we had my cg drank everyday, he had a problem with alcohol too. We have never been since as I told him I would never put myself in that position again. His behaviour was out of control. The same with your cg, he's in the casino instead of the bar. It's tough, it's scary but it's much better than living with someone gambling. You have to do this because he isn't. If you want it to stop you have to change . Its hard to hear but you have to look at how you are letting him get away with it. The kids are his responsibility too. Please keep talking on here, we are all trying to get help and help others. Merry x

 
Posted : 25th June 2017 4:26 pm

We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.

Find out more
Close