My partner of 12 years has a gambling problem and has recently admitted it for the first time after being caught out again. I've lost count how many times I've now caught him out but this time it feels worse.
its not the sheer amount of debt he has racked up, or the fact it is more than our salaries, but that a year ago his parents took out loans to help him pay it all off quickly.
His parents are retired, in their 80s. They came to him with the solution, he didn't ask, after we struggled to live on our incomes due to the debts he caused from previous gambling. I wasn't privvy to these conversations and I wasn't happy about the agreements as they've put me in financial difficulties as a result (paying his parents a large sum to help has meant Ive had to find funds to pay for more stuff on a low part time income - we have young children).
But I can't even look at or speak to his parents right now knowing the lies he has kept from them. Looking over hos statements he barely stopped gambling at all. So all those times he has told his parents he's paid stuff off using money from them and given them updated balances to his credit cards/loans, its all a lie.
The relationship between me and his parents isn't great after they blame me for his gambling (he has always gambled even before we met), saying I put too much pressure on him. They also stopped me from seeking any support from friends over the situation saying it shames the family and the whole town will know. As obviously everyone knows them 🤔 ....
anyway they help alot with the kids and school wrap around care while we work and so i can try get a better job (im at uni part time) but they have to know he is not in a good place.
How can i help him tell them so they wont explode and be unreasonable. Theyve threatened to leave him out of their will, abandon him and move away, disown him, heart attacks and health issues, shame and embarrassment.
i understand why he doesn't feel he can talk to them because they just shame him instead of support.
Dear helpme.
Welcome to the Forum,
We are glad to see that you are reaching out for some support for yourself. I can imagine it must be very difficult not only to find out all of this new information but also to have extra financial responsibilities. I am quite concerned when you described this: they blame me for his gambling. No-one can force another person to do or not do something, we can only try to persuade others. If you both feel unable to go to friends and or family during this time you can find understanding peer support here on the Forum and in the Chatrooms from people with lived experience.
It sounds like a more detailed discussion on the options of group or 1-2-1 support for yourself during this time would be beneficial. If you are based in the UK (except NI) please do consider calling the National Gambling Helpline on 0808 8020 133 anytime to speak to an Advisor. Your partner is also welcome to contact us on the Helpline if he wishes and feels ready to (separately).
Best Wishes,
Louise
Forum Admin
This was tough to read and I really feel for you. There is still a huge social distance between generations and the thoughts of those from another generation can sometimes be set in stone. You have to understand that the reaction of the parents is not aimed at you directly, I’m sure they love you, but they don’t understand the situation your partner is in fully, and unfortunately I don’t think they ever will. Gambling now is so easy. You can lose any amount of money without leaving your home. Before gamblers were confined to bookies or casinos and were easy to spot, easy to single out. In a way I feel for your partners parents too. They have no idea how this addiction can take hold in today’s society.
Ultimately though, you have to look after you. Your partner needs help, but that help has to start with him. His parents enabled him (unknowingly) by solving his situation. He essentially took no responsibility for it and found an easy way out. That’s a dream gig for gamblers. Allows them to get right back at it. If he can’t see that then it’s time he got some help. Please get them to contact support, and please do this yourself. This situation can be fixed, but will need some hard work and most importantly commitment from both of you. Honesty and openness moving forward are key. Time to, and I’m sorry to say this, exclude the parents from this, until you have both come to some arrangement regarding the gambling.
I wish you all the best moving forward.
Stay strong 💪
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
